It's Been a While

Wow...I honestly didn't realize how long it's been since I posted. I did sort of go into a bit of a depression over everything, and even stopped updating my IRL blog for a bit.

But, today is a new day. We're dealing with all that's going on, I suppose. As best as anyone in this situation can be expected to deal, anyway.

There has been more "excitement" in our IF world since I last posted. P. saw the urologist and received confirmation that he has a varicocele. He doesn't necessarily recommend surgery, which is probably good considering P. passes out at the mere sight of a needle (OK, I'm exaggerating a bit here).

And then the urologist decided to draw P.'s hormone levels when I pointed out that nobody has looked at them. It seemed to be a last-ditch, make-the-wife-happy sort of thing. And though we don't have official results yet, the office did call P. and insisted that he come back in to talk to the doctor. They wouldn't tell him the results over the phone.

I've had enough experience with this sort of crap to know that means something is "off" in his levels. So right now I am holding out a smidgen of hope that there may be something the doctor can give us that will help even a little bit. I can't let go of the tiny shreds of hope that I find here and there. I just can't.

More soon.

Facebook Strikes Again

This morning I found out that we'll have a nephew in December. Thanks to my sister's sister-in-law who announced it in her FB status.

I wonder if my sister hasn't called me about this because of the solemn nature of the news that P. and I received this week?

I told my parents about it (our bad news) last night, over the phone. I cried for the first time since our RE appointment. And when it started, it came out for about 2 hours. I tried not to do it in front of P., but I failed.

Severe MFI

And there it is, we have the Dx that we were hoping not to have. :(

I'm still pretty numb, even though I had fully prepared myself for bad news. The counts were SO much lower than I was expecting, though; I was really thinking they would be borderline. P. had a hernia when he was born and had surgery within days of birth. Come to find out, this is probably the very thing that has caused his IF.

So what's next? Our RE basically said there is no point in trying anything other than IVF w/ICSI. He gave us a chance of less than 5% with IUI, and 65% with IVF and ICSI.

I just don't know for sure how I feel about IVF yet. More than anything, I just can't imagine how amplified the emotional roller coaster would be once we cross that line. When not only are you praying for a BFP, but you're spending thousands of dollars and investing hours into monitoring appointments and self injections.

Am I strong enough for all of this?

If we do it, I am leaning toward a split donation cycle -- where I would donate half my eggs during our IVF cycle. This would reduce the cost by half, but more importantly it would enable me to help someone else. And quite honestly, I'm pretty sure there is no way that I could handle more than one cycle of IVF. Not only would we be spending money that could be saved toward adoption (down the road), but I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle everything else involved.

Ugh. I really, really hate this. I also hate the fact that P. is calling himself "faulty" and feeling as though all of this is his fault. I know that everything happens for a reason and that God has a greater plan for us, but really? I can't help but think this is so unfair, though it happens to millions of other couples. :( I just wish we all could have it as easy as others!

RE Office FAIL

So I caved and called the RE's office from the airport on Friday, in an attempt to get the results of P.'s second SA. Any guesses as to what transpired?

After sitting on hold for a LONG time (well, maybe 5 minutes), the receptionist said in an annoyingly cheerful voice: "The doctor hasn't had a chance to review your results yet. But that's OK; they will be available when you come in for your appointment on the seventh."

Me: "Um...but...the tech told my husband to call back yesterday to get the results."

Receptionist: "Those results will be ready for your appointment. Have a great weekend!"

Argh. So I was all prepared to get some real numbers and do a little research, going to our appointment with a vague clue of what to expect. Instead, we're going in blind.

I guess the silver lining is that I won't spend my precious long weekend researching that crap. Instead, I'll probably spend it drunk as a skunk to keep myself from worrying about the upcoming appointment. RE Office FAIL!

Everything Sucks

I finished work for the evening just 30 minutes ago, and burst into tears when I realized it was already bed time. This came after crying in public while sitting by myself at a bar (awesome), and a gasping cry while talking to my husband on the phone (during which I burst into fresh tears multiple times).

This job has officially robbed me of my sanity, and IF has robbed me of my hope. When you combine the two, there's little left but an empty shell of what used to be a happy, optimistic girl.

I'm not quite sure what to do yet. All I know is that I cannot continue on the same path. This is all wrong. Something has to give.

Shoot. I just realized that the RE's office said I can call tomorrow for the results of the second SA. Our next consult is scheduled after the 4th of July. Besides the fact that I will probably not have time to call tomorrow, I'm not even sure if I want to know the results before we talk to the doctor. It might just stress me out more. I don't know. What would you do?

I Just Realized...

...that with my travel schedule for work this summer - and our big vacation for our 5th anniversary in August/September - that if the RE wants to start cycling us, we won't really be able to start until October. October?! Noooooo!!!

Let me tell you, I am NOT a patient person. Infertility is definitely NOT for impatient, Type A personalities like myself. :(

I don't know. When we go back for our 2nd consult and "game plan" appointment with the RE (likely right before or after 4th of July), I'll have to bring my planner so we can discuss my crazy schedule. Maybe he can start me on Clomid and P. and I can attempt TI (though it's kind of hard to get TI right when the two partners will be separated often!). But then again, even with Clomid I'd need to be around for monitoring, wouldn't I?

Argh. I am so frustrated with my travel schedule right now. And I am so worried that when we go back to the RE, he's going to tell us IVF is our only option anyway. I so need to stop stressing over things that I simply can't control (easier said than done!).

Anyway. In other news, I had a serious talk with my manager yesterday. I told her all the things that I see as "going awry" in our organization, why I am hating work, the fact that I had to go on anti-anxiety meds, and eventually told her I'd give this job until the end of July. That's when I will make an assessment as to whether I can stick it out, or if I need to find something else. She was really great about it and took responsibility for poor communication and other issues. She also made concessions to try to help me in the short term. And she assured me she would touch base with a local manager to see if they have a position that might work for me. We'll see if all this comes to fruition or not. This will be one of the litmus tests for my assessment at the end of July.

In the meantime, back to the stress of the daily grind. I get to go to southern VA on a business trip next week - lucky me! ::sarcasm:: I guess that's a problem with me living in beautiful, sunny Florida -- I never want to leave. :)

OH. And also? Today is CD2. :( Yesterday I woke up with the WORST.CRAMPS.EVER. Compete suckage, I tell you.

BFN...But What Else Did I Expect?

I didn't want to get my hopes up. I told myself that the vitamins - and now chiropractic treatment - for P. would likely not result in "super sperm" that would spontaneously impregnate me. But still, I was up early yesterday morning at 10 DPO, peeing in a cup. Not even the hint of a line - not even an evap line after an hour!! But what else is new? Certainly the disappointment, pain, and self-doubt are not. And FF likes to slap me in the face by reducing my "early pregnancy signs" to 12 points. Awesome. Thanks, FF!

So what's next? P.'s second SA is on Friday. At which point we need to schedule our next consult with the RE to figure out the plan of action. I'm debating whether or not to schedule this for before or after our long 4th of July weekend, which will be spent with my pregnant sister and brother-in-law. What if we get new that I'm not ready to hear? Then after our visit would be better, I'm thinking. But I hate to push things out even farther. I don't know.

I am just terrified that we're going to be advised to proceed directly to IVF w/ICSI. I know this is not necessarily a logical fear given the fact that we still have no clue where P.'s numbers are. I should assume the best, right? How I wish I could, how I wish I could.

Anyway. So here I am, 11 DPO with spotting in full force and just waiting for AF to start. The only silver lining I can find is the fact that I seem to have O'd a few days earlier than normal -- ALMOST making a "normal" cycle, in fact. That's a good thing, right? Right? Though, having never received a positive OPK reading...of course I'm wondering if I am, in fact, ovulating? Why do I even let myself worry about this so much? Really, what's the point? I need to just pop my BuSpar and stop thinking about this sh*t.

In other news, P. made homemade vanilla ice cream this evening because I wanted it. Does he not completely rock? I love this man, I really do!

You'd Think I'd Learn...

...to stop getting my hopes up every cycle. But do I? Of course not. I sit here staring at my FF chart half the day. Temp dip, temp rise... Good signs, right?

Ugh. Somebody smack me. Seriously.

In other news: my new happy pills are pretty interesting. I take them twice a day. About 45 minutes after taking them, I start feeling this strange combination of floating, sleepiness and calm. It's actually pretty nice. This morning I was on a teleconference in which there were words being exchanged that normally would have sent me over the edge. Today? Nada. I was cool as a cucumber. I remember thinking, "Man, this would normally piss me off to no end." Yet, I didn't have the same reaction as usual. Sweet!

Also, my sister "came out" on facebook about her pregnancy yesterday. I had mixed feelings about this. First, most of her friends already knew, so it probably didn't surprise anyone. But the IF part of me had the punch-to-the-gut reaction. Like, "Really? You had to proclaim this on facebook?" I would never admit this to her. ::sigh:: I am pathetic.

When's it time for my next dose of BuSpar? :)

Happy Pills

My doctor ended up prescribing BuSpar to me today, and it is supposed to help with both anxiety and depression. And it's one of the very few medications that is rated category "B" for pregnancy. So there we go. I have my fingers crossed that this will help me get through the days with some happiness again!

In other news, my sister is officially in her second trimester! I've debated "announcing" this on my IRL blog ~ she said doesn't care either way. Eh, we'll see. She went off her anxiety and depression meds for her pregnancy, but she says she is dealing with some major depression now. That makes me so sad that she hasn't felt very excited about her pregnancy for quite some time. :( But I totally understand that it must be hard for her, withdrawing from her meds after being on them for YEARS. She's going to talk to her OB about getting back on something safe for pregnancy. Maybe we'll end up on the same meds. Who knows?

I honestly think that my sister had a hope tucked away, that she and I would be pregnant at the same time. I would have loved that, too. But as I explained to her, this is not something I can control. :( Oh well.

In other news, supposedly today is 7DPO. I feel crampy and dizzy. Fun times.

Seeking Professional Help

I've decided that I need professional help. I'm not ashamed. Between HATING my job to the point where I nearly resigned yesterday, and the whole IF BS...I think it's only normal that I'm having panic attacks and bouts of depression. Well, normal for my genetic makeup, anyway.

Let me give you a family run-down. My grandmother is bipolar. My grandfather is clinically depressed. My mom has been clinically depressed and on medication as long as I can remember. And my sister has been diagnosed with anxiety problems. P. also has anxiety issues, but has been off meds since about a year after we started dating.

Me? I was diagnosed as clinically depressed about 10 years ago and did a year on Prozac. Loved the way I felt on Prozac, but hated the lethargy and weight gain. Took myself off it and never looked back (kids, don't try this at home -- against all doctor recommendations!).

Anyway. So I tried to make an appointment directly with a psychiatrist, but they couldn't get me in until September. WTF?? I have mental issues, but you can't see me until September? I was tempted to embellish my story, but decided that might get me more than I bargained for. So I called my GP and can see them tomorrow. That's good. I need medication, people, and I need it now. I just hope there is something they can give me that will be safe for potential pregnancy. (Potential...argh.)

And just so we're clear... I am not the type of person who would automatically resort to medication. That's not me. I've been diligently going to yoga, working out, getting acupuncture, going to church...trying all the great activities that would normally help me through times like this. If I were healthy. But apparently, I'm not healthy right now. So I give in. Because I just can't do it on my own anymore. Feel free to judge or weigh in. I've got no issues with my decision.

Hung.Over.

Someone drank a little too much white wine with her fabulous sushi last night. Any guesses as to who might be the culprit? ::sarcasm:: Yeah, the fog is still hanging around my head at 3:30 PM. Oops.

Almost every cycle, P. and I go through this ritual of going out for sushi and sashimi "just in case" I get knocked up and won't be able to indulge again for 9 months. Yesterday wasn't really a conscious effort in this department; it just sort of happened. Still, just thinking about the old days of high hopes during each cycle makes me feel a little naive.

Anywho. I have no idea if my temp was reliable this morning or not, given: (1) the drinking, and (2) the fact that I woke up around 2:00 and couldn't fall back to sleep (thank you, headache + dehydration). But it was .1 degree higher than yesterday's.

In other news, I haven't heard back from the company that interviewed me last week. So I'm guessing I won't be invited back for another interview. In all honesty, it's a management position and I can say pretty confidently that I am OVER management stuff. I haven't even done that much of it, but I hate the managerial responsibilities of my current job immensely.

And proof that I have officially gone insane: I enthusiastically applied for a position that pays less than half of what I currently make. But it sounds almost like my dream job. And I've definitely discovered that money doesn't buy happiness. I need a job that helps me stay happy and positive. So there it is. I did receive a personal email response from the hiring manager within a couple hours of emailing my application, resume and cover letter. That's always a good sign.

In my fantasy world, I'd be offered a new job next week so I could put in my 2 week notice and NOT have to begin the nightmarish travel schedule demanded of me this summer by my current job. But when do things IRL ever work out like they do in my fantasy world? ::sigh::

Hey, at least it's the weekend. I think I'm going to sneak a nap before P. gets home from work. So.Exhausted.

FF Is Still on Crack

I'm so over this charting crap. FF and I are both so confused by my body's signals! In fact, FF has reverted back to the faulty logic that I O'd on CD13 (yeah right, like I've ever O'd that early). From the huge temp spike I had this morning and the cramps I had on my right side last night, I would think that I O'd yesterday. But I never got a +OPK.

So what gives?

I'm so annoyed that I've really put a conscious effort into waking at the same time every morning, yet my chart is no easier to interpret than when I let myself sleep in on the weekends. Ugh. I can't believe I've been charting for over a year and a half now. This totally blows.



And...if I did O yesterday...our timing wasn't the greatest. We were doing the every other day thing really well, until yesterday. I'll just leave it at that, because I really don't want to start another pity party for myself at this point. :(

The State of my CM

Because I am sure that everyone wants to know!

I don't know if it's because I recently had the HSG, or because I've been taking my Evening Primrose Oil supplements religiously...but either way, I've noticed significant improvement in the quality of my CM this month! So with the high hopes that perhaps P.'s vitamins are helping...we've been getting busy every other day in anticipation of ovulation. We're trying to keep it fun and lighthearted (easier said than done), but I already know that I will be dealing with extreme disappointment should I see another BFN this month.

Because now I know that each BFN brings me closer and closer to medical intervention that I was so hoping to avoid in this journey.

Right now, I'm not ready to give up on the idea that we can do this on our own.

By the way, today is CD21. I hope that I O very soon - earlier than usual would be really nice.

Another Punch to the Gut

I've been anxiously awaiting some correspondence via snail mail for the past couple weeks. I'll save that explanation for another time, but the general idea is important to understand. So yesterday afternoon, despite the fact we were having a torrential downpour, I literally ran out to the mail box after I heard the truck go by.

I get back into the house, thoroughly drenched. Yet I tear excitedly through the stack of mail, coming to the last piece in disappointment because what I've been waiting for has not arrived.

And what, pray tell, is this last piece of mail? Nothing other than a brochure from Blue Cross/Blue Shield (my health insurance provider) that asks - on the cover, in big bold letters - "Could a baby be in your future?" And then goes on to explain that as soon as I find out I am pregnant, I should call their advice line to get tips for maintaining a healthy pregnancy.

What.the.&%$#?? BC/BS - you guys know better than anyone that I am seeing an RE. Therefore, if you had an iota of common sense and/or sensitivity, you'd realize that sending this propaganda to someone who's experiencing IF might not be the best idea ever. Thanks for further inundating me with pregnant belly overload; as if I don't see cute baby bumps every time I leave the house, now you've made sure the images can penetrate my fortress of solitude. I have nowhere to hide and be alone with my empty ute.

::sobs::

One Interview Down + Crazy Temps

I think the interview yesterday went well! Honestly, I was so nervous about the technical requirements of the job description that the thought of canceling the interview seriously entered my mind about two hours before it was scheduled to take place. But I manned up, set my expectations very low, and went in with my chin up. As it turns out, I had nothing to worry about. The hiring manager was very pleased with my background, and he seemed to hint that I'd be called back for the second round of interviews. Part of me is actually a little excited about the prospect of all this, especially considering how the company found me. I mean, you always hear about things that are "meant to be." Could this be one of them? We shall see. I did send out a hand written thank you card today, per proper interviewing etiquette. :)

In other news... What.The.%$#&. is going on with my temperatures? Seriously? Now FF is all confused by the fluctuations and has decided that I might have O'd on CD13. Um, FF...I have never, in the history of mankind, O'd that early. Additionally, all I am getting are negative OPKs. And if I did O that early, I'd be screwed (no pun intended) in that we have not gotten busy due to someone not feeling well and/or being tired all the time. ::sigh:: I got P. to the gym twice over the past week, but I need to keep him going so he'll have more energy. I feel like the Energizer Bunny, who apparently married Eeyore. Sheesh.

OK, more soon. I'm just looking forward to the weekend at this point!

OMG - Houston, We Have an Interview!

So. Nervous.

I have my first in-person interview in years scheduled for Wednesday. It's for a position that I really don't think I qualify for when it comes to technical skills. But the weird thing is, I didn't apply for it. The company's VP for HR found me. Little, incompetent me, of all people.

Anyway, I've worked for my company for the past 9 years and haven't interviewed in at least 4. And those interviews 4 years ago were all accomplished over the phone. So I know I am going to be a complete and utter nervous wreck come Wednesday.

This job is really more of a management position than I would like, and it's an the same industry, which I'd honestly like to leave. But the location is perfect - actually very near our house. And it has the potential to be far more interesting than my current job, at least. And there most likely would not be an insane amount of travel involved.

So, we'll see. I'm not getting my hopes up or anything. But just the fact that I have finally been invited for an interview has immensely improved my self-confidence, and that's something I've been lacking for a long time.

in TTC news, my body is confusing me as usual. I had some fertile patches of CM very early in this cycle, but that seems to be gone now. I hate when my body tricks me into believing that maybe, just maybe I will O at a decent time for once. Argh.

Anyway, that's it for now. I've got prosecco chilling and I think I'm going to pop it open and go to town. A girl needs to forget her woes now and then. Happy Memorial Day, everyone!

Must Find New Job Immediately

No, I didn't get laid off. Things were really shaky on my project for the past 3 weeks, but word on the street is that we officially have "authority to proceed" with work at this point. Of course, when you seriously dislike your job, this isn't necessarily great news.

But the reason I have revamped my resume (yet again) and have been applying for positions like a crazy woman is because now that the project is starting, the ridiculous business travel schedule is coming out. And it appears that I would be out of town not only during O for this cycle, but also for next cycle.

Are you effing kidding me? Right after my HSG, when the RE told us to really try to get things done naturally post-tube flushing??

And not only that, but fast forward a few months (should we not be successful naturally) & imagine we have to begin cycling. How the &%$# am I supposed to go in constantly for monitoring appointments - never mind insemination or retrieval/transfer or whatever - when I can get sent places at the drop of a hat?

This just isn't going to work. I must find a new job. For our marriage, my sanity, and any shot we have at procreating. So let the search begin (or continue, as it were). Please, please, PLEASE come through for me, Lord!

In other news, my sister texted me and saw the babe during the u/s! I am waiting for her to call and tell me everything. She's been extremely sick for about the past week, but she's smart enough that she hasn't complained about it that much to me. :)

Make it Stop!

Oh.my.God. I woke up this morning feeling extremely sick to my stomach. At first, I thought it was just cramps & tried to go back to sleep. Once I got up, I realized I felt nauseated, yet strangely hungry at the same time. So I ate a few cookies (breakfast of champions?). And now I feel like the room is spinning.

Ugh. I'm not sure if this is some after-effect of yesterday's medical festival, or the ice cream in which I indulged. It's probably the latter, but I'll blame it on the former.

All Clear!

Wow, the HSG today ended up going much better than I expected, for the most part! The part that surprised me: the "pain" was really no more uncomfortable than a regular pap. ::sigh of relief::

The only complication, per se, was the fact that the doc was having a hard time inserting the catheter all the way! He tried one, started the dye, and it started pouring out on the table. So he switched to another catheter; same thing happened. As you can imagine, I was getting really nervous at this point. I could feel my legs shaking. Then when the doc asked, "Are you sure you've never had an abnormal pap?" - I almost passed out because I was certain that I had some major structural deformity.

But the third time was the charm. I watched on the screen as the dye slowly started filling my ute and then trickling out my tubes! My doc said he was sending "extra dye through" to help clear everything, and he mentioned how this helps boost fertility. So I guess we can hope that the vitamins will help P. & the HSG will help me! My cycles will still be wacky, of course, but we can always hope.

Speaking of vitamins, I saw my acupuncture doc this afternoon & he had me pick up some Wheat Germ Oil to add to P.'s regimen; apparently it packs a powerful combo of selenium and vitamin E.

After P. & I left the RE's office, we went out for lunch. We were hoping to hit up a German restaurant in the area, but it wasn't open for lunch today. :( But that's OK - we found a new Greek place and had yummy meals. And then we hit up Coldstone Creamery so I could pack on a couple extra pounds! I got the Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip and went overboard with a medium size cup, but boy was it fantastic! I totally didn't *need* it, but it was a comforting consolation prize for having to go through such a crazy procedure as that HSG. I wasn't going to back down on my demands for ice cream even though the procedure didn't really hurt. I'm not completely lacking in common sense! :P

Update: I started feeling some cramping about 5 hours after my HSG and popped another Rx Naproxen. It's sort of knocking out the cramping, but not totally. It's not horrible, just enough to be annoying. And I am sooooo sleepy, probably from getting so worked up over the whole thing today. So while I should be going to an exercise class in which I am enrolled, I think I'm going to stay home and relax tonight. That's something I don't do enough of anyway.

Proud of Myself: 3 Columns!

I am proud of myself for one thing, Internet: I converted the blizz-og to a 3 column format!! Woot! I couldn't have done it without this helpful link that JLT provided on her blog recently.

I was having problems applying a cute template until I downloaded the image, resized it, uploaded and reapplied...but I found that I actually like it better when the sizing is wrong. So if you think my birdies on the side look weird because they're cut off...yeah, the sizing is wrong, but it's a LOT easier to read my text without all the graphics in the way. And I still get a little glimpse of some cute little birds. That's how I like it, so that's how it's gonna stay for now. My blog, my rules. :)

Now I just need to find the time to convert my IRL blog & I will be very proud of my accomplishments for once!

%*#$ You, Jim & Pam!

Let me preface this by saying that I love The Office. It is the only show on television that I watch regularly, because I am just not that big of a TV watcher quite honestly. Sometimes I'll start watching a show, but then I get bored and end up on the Internet and realize that I didn't pay any attention to what was on TV. But that never happens with The Office; the Macbook stays firmly shut from 9:00 - 9:30 PM on Thursdays!

So during last night's episode, when the Corporate volleyball team insisted Pam go to the hospital to get her ankle checked out...I knew something was up. I'm just awesome like that. :P And then when the nurse asked her if there was any chance she could be pregnant, and Pam brushed it off...well, I knew what was coming, but it was like everything started happening in slow motion and I couldn't stop watching. It was like a train wreck, except the "wreck" part of it was simply the projection of what's going on in my life.

Yes, Internet, I know it's just a TV show. But still, watching Jim's excited reaction when Pam broke the good news... It was like someone had kicked me in the stomach. P., who was lying next to me, thought he was clever when he stated, "Oh, she's pregnant!" I gave him some rude and flippant response about how - duh! - I'd seen that coming from a mile away. And then I promptly rolled my back toward the TV and tried to go to sleep for about an hour and a half.

The fact that a TV show could get me that worked up? Pathetic! Ugh. I do not want to be that person. Maybe I do need a swift kick to the stomach. Or about 10 shots of Patron. Either way.

Confessions

#1: The tone of this blog is quite a bit different from my "IRL" blog (link in right-hand column). I've come to realize that I am much more negative in this blog due to the nature of the content. However, I hope to begin changing that & posting in a more authentic "voice." I promise to start working on that.

#2: I am terrified of the upcoming HSG. My period started full force on Tuesday night, so I called the RE's office yesterday morning, and they scheduled my HSG for Monday morning! EEK! My sister works in radiology & has sat in on these procedures, and she assures me I'll be fine. I have to admit that some of my fear was relieved when I found out that our RE will actually perform the procedure, so that's good. But still, I fear that I will pass out from pain right on the table. And then our RE will know exactly what a wimp I am, possibly deciding right then and there that I am NOT strong enough to handle anything beyond TI. :P OK, maybe not. I'm sure it will all be fine. Right???

#3: My sister's first ultrasound is next week. I have to admit a tiny pinch of hurt at the fact that our "schedules" are so aligned - as in, she sees the OB right around the same times I see the RE. BUT, I am very excited to hear how the u/s goes and how she feels when she hears the heartbeat, etc.! :)

**Edited to Add (ETA): I forgot to say that P. is absolutely fantastic! Without me even asking, he took Monday off to be with me for the HSG. And he said we'd get ice cream afterwards. ::sigh:: Sometimes I forget how truly lucky I am! And despite the difficulties of this whole IF thing, it seems to be bringing us even closer together. I need to keep this feeling close during the dark times!

First RE Appt.

Today P. and I went to our very first "couple" doctor's appointment and met our RE. We like him, so that's one big hurdle down! He was very personable and seemed to be thorough, though I was surprised that he didn't lecture us on decreasing caffeine intake or anything like that. (Though I have to admit I am secretly glad, as I was planning on cutting out the coffee cold turkey; now I've decided I will limit myself to one cup per day.)

The big disappointment for me was the fact that, despite my OB's office swearing they sent my records over, the doctor did not have my previous records. Which means we still don't have the exact #'s from P's SA. Maybe I will just call and get the actual #'s tomorrow for my own sanity. I was really hoping for some sort of analysis of those #'s. The RE wrote a script for a vitamin for P. to take, and he's to take 50 mg of zinc daily. The hope is that these two things will help boost his count and motility. So he takes these for a month and then he'll repeat his SA. This time he can do it at home and either of us can drop it off at the RE's office, which is a big relief also!

As for me, he did a quick internal after our consultation to obtain a sample of CM for analysis. Not sure if they're trying to determine if it's hostile or what. My period is about to start any time now, so of course I was spotting for the internal. Oh well. As soon as my period starts, I am to call and schedule the dreaded HSG! I'm nervous about having it done, but I know it will be helpful. He already wrote the script for a painkiller and antibiotic for me to take in conjunction with the procedure. The office is very well organized, so that gives me some peace of mind!

And that's about it for now. Once we have completed the next SA and my HSG, we'll go back in to see what the next steps are. Our RE's hope is P.'s SA will improve, he'll be able to regulate my cycles with drugs, and we'll be able to do this with timed intercourse. Of course, he did warn that if P's numbers are severely low, IVF might be our only option. I am just praying that is not the case...

So overall, I'd classify today as a success.

And my final note: FF is on so much crack, it's insane! It has changed my crosshairs back and forth at least 6 times over the past week. I'm still not convinced I ovulated at all. Whatever...

Trepidation

Confession: I am beyond nervous about the RE appointment on Tuesday. I am so afraid that he is going to tell us the SA #'s are so low that IVF is our only option. I know I am not being reasonable by allowing this line of thinking to take place, but yet here I am.

Perhaps I've freaked myself out by reading 3 books about IF in the past week? Yet somehow, I don't think that arming myself with information is a bad thing. What bothers me is the fact that I still have no clue what I think about IVF for us. I know we would be mostly OOP (out of pocket) for that & despite our good salaries, I'm just not sure about the financial and emotional strain of such a prospect.

I need to stop thinking about it and just get through the darn appointment!

I also plan on discussing stress/anxiety with the RE. Because between this IF BS and the hell that is my job, I seriously don't think I can continue making it through the days without medication. I am being 100% serious here. I eat clean, work out, do yoga and relaxation exercises, and still I am an emotional wreck. This is not good.

OK...T-minus 41 hours until we meet with the RE. I can make it...

Also - FF is on crack. I did not ovulate when it thinks I did. I also have no idea when AF will show up due to this fact.

Proof that We're on the Same Page

P. is a man of few words and does not generally show his emotions. So our TTTC issues have been...slightly difficult for me in that I feel as though I have to force him to talk about his feelings. There have been some days where I really wondered if he wanted this as badly as I do.

But when P. returned home from his overseas business trip yesterday, we had a short discussion about our upcoming RE appointment and he said, "Oh, I know this is going to happen." I asked how he knew. He said he brought something from overseas to ensure it. And he brought out of his bag a package of two pacifiers emblazoned with the logo for our favorite European soccer team.

This may not sound all that meaningful to others, but let me assure you that I almost broke down then and there. Actions speak louder than words, and this simple gesture makes it perfectly clear to me that P. wants this as much as I do.

I love this man more that I could ever express in a blog. :)

Ugh

I am just feeling so blah right now. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm in the midst of what's going to be either a very long cycle, or an annovulatory one. Plus, my skin went completely psycho about 3 days ago and I have zits absolutely everywhere. I normally break out right around O and again when PMSing (isn't life grand), but it's a real b*tch when O is delayed or doesn't come at all. It's like my body decides to kick me while I'm down. Lovely.

And because my life is full of craptastic news lately: my job is now in jeopardy. Sort of. I can't complain too much because my employer is really good about preventing layoffs, and management does everything possible to move people to new projects. So now my manager is working with another manager to try to get me on another project - at least temporarily. It's a project that I really had no desire to be a part of, but considering the fact that my salary is equal to P.'s...well, I simply can't afford to be picky at this point.

I hope it gets resolved soon because my current project only has funding for me through today. Then I have to use all my accrued vacation time next week. After that, I don't know where it leaves me. You can bet your bottom dollar I will be spending my extra time next week madly applying for other jobs...but given the fact that I've yet to even be called for an interview for any of the multitudes of jobs I've applied for over the past six months...yeah, not looking so good.

::sigh::

When it rains, it really pours.

Just had to vent a little. I don't discuss my job in my "real life" blog, so I felt this was as good a place to vent as any other!

No O

Yep, just when I thought I somewhat had a handle on what my crazy body was doing... +OPK, then steadily dropping temps. Awesome. I guess I can probably chalk it up to high stress this cycle, but now I'm worried about how long this cycle might end up going. Maybe I'll still O? Who knows?

At least the RE will have recent evidence of the EPIC FAIL that is my body when we go in next month. Add the male factor, and as a couple we're just going to look like losers. Ugh. :(

Always Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

Right now I am waiting for P. to come home from his overseas business trip. He is currently scheduled to come home on Saturday, but they're having a meeting today to see whether or not they'll have to stay longer. Ugh. So I'm also waiting to hear from him on his schedule.

I'm also waiting to see if I O'd or not. I got a +OPK on Saturday, which was thrilling because I haven't been checking very diligently. I did not get EWCM, but I think I had some watery CM. But I totally screwed myself by staying up late & waking up late this weekend, so now I'm not sure if that affected my temps. Yesterday it was relatively high, so I thought maybe I'd O'd on Saturday, but this morning it was much lower. So maybe I'll O today? I don't know. And I really don't know why I am so obsessed because P. isn't here, there's been no sex, and oh by the way - apparently his swimmers won't be able to do the job right now anyway. Darn. :(

And of course I am waiting, not so patiently, for our RE appointment next month. I just got the paperwork from the doc's office in the mail and it is insane! We have to fill our about 10 pages of information. It will totally be worth it, of course, but I know getting P.'s family health history will probably be like pulling teeth. I am seriously on the verge of spilling our troubles to his mom. This would ease my ability to get health info without having to beat around the bush. And besides, I love my MIL to death and her support would be great. I haven't mentioned this to P. yet, but I would definitely ask him before I say anything.

In the midst of all this waiting, I've decided to educate myself a bit more on the whole IF thing. I actually went to the library yesterday, for the first time in years! (I spend WAY too much $$$ on books as it is, so I've drawn the line.) I am currently reading "The Male Biological Clock" by Harry Fisch, a leading urologist who specializes in IF. It's very informative for me! I just want to make sure that I have a clue about the background info before we meet with the RE so I can ask intelligent questions and ensure we don't get pushed into anything too quickly. I'm really trying to stay positive when it comes to thinking we might be able to do this naturally...but it's not always easy!

Anyway, that's all my news for today. Here's wishing everyone much more patience than I seem to possess! :)

SA Results

They're in. And because my OB/GYN's office called ME (instead of me tracking them down), I knew before the nurse even told me that they were not good. The verdict: Low count, low motility. ::sigh::

So she gave us three options:

1. Just wait a month and run the SA again (I wasn't wild about this one since I knew this would result from the next two anyway...)

2. Have P. go directly to a urologist.

3. Both of us see an RE.

I was initially confused about whether 2 or 3 would be best. Not knowing where to turn for answers, I posted my very first question/intro on the Bump's Trouble Trying to Conceive (TTTC) board. Feeling like a complete rookie despite having lurked there for well over a month, I posted and waited to b flamed. Instead, these awesome ladies gave me some great input & made me feel very welcome. That made me feel like I wasn't alone & I had somewhere to turn for support, which was a small miracle in itself!

So with the input from the fantastic TTTC ladies and after talking to P., we decided to see an RE first and see if he has a urologist that he works with for IF. I think it will be good for us to be under the care of the RE, who can look at our issues as a couple, rather than just continuing to see separate specialists for everything. Besides, I'm not convinced that I'm off the hook with my own issues, given my late ovulation.

Luckily, the nurse gave me the name of the RE they prefer to work with, and it wasn't hard to set up a consultation there. We go in on May 12, assuming the limbo that is my career doesn't get in the way with travel during that week. So now I just need to make it until then!

In other news, I've completely gotten over my own sadness when discussing my sister's pregnancy with her, and that makes me happy. I even told her today about the SA results & having to see the RE. I am so thankful that I am able to see beyond my own issues and not let them get in the way of my relationship with my sister, because she truly is my best friend besides P.

So all in all, I guess today is a good day...because at least I'm getting somewhere. I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not even allowing myself to think about the "what-if's" with regard to how bad the semen situation might be; I just need to hold on to some hope for the time being.

ETA: P. took the news surprisingly well. I thought that hearing that his swimmers weren't completely up to par was going to crush his fragile male ego, but I forgot: he is one of those guys who seems to have no feelings at times! His response: "Stuff like this happens. I'll work with a doctor and try to get it fixed quickly." Ahhhh...God love him! I wish I could be so laid back about all of this, I really do!

::Drumming Fingers::

I wonder how long I should wait to hear from my OB/GYN's office for the highly anticipated SA results? I guess I should make a plan: If I have not heard anything by Thursday, I will call their office. Hopefully, they will give me the results since, technically, the test was P's and not mine. I don't know why I am in such a rush to get the results when we're out for this cycle anyway, thanks to P. being overseas. I guess I just need to see some progress...anywhere.

Eff My Life

I am in such a foul mood today. First of all, I dropped P. off at the airport for his 2 week, overseas business trip. Bah. This took place after this morning's ginormously failed attempt at lovin'. I've been enthusiastically checking my CM in the hopes of an earlier - or even normal (!!!) - ovulation due to my supplements or whatever. But as usual, it's been pretty pathetic. So anyway, I sorta forgot about this when we were about to get it on this morning... Imagine my, er, embarrassment when I had nothing going on down there. So to remedy the situation, I ran to the bathroom to apply my trusty Pre-seed. Real spontaneous, romantic and fun - right? By the time I got back to bed, P. had apparently lost the urge.

So now he's gone for 2 weeks, I didn't get any, and I ended up having an emotional breakdown in the bedroom this morning thanks to this. It wasn't even going to be baby-making sex, for crying out loud! It should have just been fun! But no, I've come to find out this whole stupid TTC crap bleeds over into every aspect of our sex life, and the pressure is freaking unbearable. I am so bitter that we're going through all this while so many couples don't ever have to bother with temping, CM & CP checking, pineapple, supplements, Pre-Seed, green tea, OPKs....forever and ever, effing amen.

So Eff My Life. That's all I have to say.

By the time I start my next cycle, it will have been a year since we started TTC. The dreaded year. And to think of the hopefulness we started out with. It seems so ridiculous now.

And to add insult to freaking injury... I just got in from walking the dogs, and a little girl asked why I wouldn't let her pet my male dog. I told her it's because he's very protective of me (which is true, but honestly he seems to hate most kids and would like to chase them). She asked, "Do you have kids?" I said no. She said, "Oh! It's probably because he's never been around kids then."

The fact that a 7 or 8 year-old kid can make me come home and bawl like a baby? Absolutely pathetic.

Like I said, Eff. My. Life.

ETA: I am glad that I have copious amounts of wine chilling in the fridge right now. I think I deserve at least a glass or two and a nice hot bath. Heck, it seems like I'm always trying to console myself lately. I hate how frequent my pity parties have become.

Now I'm Pissed

So it appears that work may be sending P. overseas NEXT WEEK - for 3 WEEKS?! WTF? Can they not plan these trips in advance? And more importantly, how am I ever supposed to get KTFU between his travel, my long cycles, and our general inability to conceive?

As if I wasn't having a crappy enough week. The hits just keep on coming.

ETA: Despite having no "encouraging material" at the lab yesterday, P. was able to make his deposit. Results should be available early next week, hopefully.

Some Good, Some Bad

First and foremost, P. is off getting his SA this morning! I wonder how long it will take for the results to come in? No matter what the results, I'm excited to figure out what's going on...even if I'm a bit nervous about it as well.

Second, I managed to talk to all members of my immediate family yesterday without completely losing it. Apparently they all collaborated and pretty much knew why I was "missing in action" and they decided to bombard me with phone calls and texts on Tuesday. Ugh. So I couldn't really ignore them anymore. My mom and I - well, even my dad and I - had some good discussions about the TTC frustration, so I guess it helps to have others in on the secret who I can talk to. Because I'm sure P. is overwhelmed by being my sole source of support all the time. I did not discuss any of this with my sister, even though I know she knows. Instead, I just vented to her about the thousands of freaking dollars we owe in taxes this year. :(

Third, I ordered some gifts for my sister (and brother-in-law. sort of) that should get there tomorrow, on my sister's birthday no less. I got them the Mayo Book on Pregnancy, Belly Laughs, What to Expect While You're Expecting, and a sea band with a cute print. I went back and forth on whether I should get them something really baby related (like these books) or something only loosely related (lucky bamboo was my other pick). But I decided that this was the way to go since my sis is really new to all this PG stuff and was overwhelmed with the amount of info out there. So hopefully I made the right choice!

And finally, P. informed me yesterday that he may be out of town again soon - probably only for a week, but quite possibly during my fertile days. This, of course, seriously pissed me off because he was out of the country last cycle. His bosses haven't decided if he'll just be in D.C. for this next trip, or actually overseas. So all I can hope at this point is that he's not gone during my fertile time, or if he is - he just goes to D.C. because then I could actually go with him. So we'll see.

The hits - they just keep on coming...!

I am so Selfish

Yesterday I had a voicemail from my sister - she told our parents the good news yesterday! She sounded much more excited in her message, so everything must be sinking in now. :)

That said, I am kind of laying low and I hate to admit that I don't want to talk to my parents about it yet. I know they're going to be so excited, and that's great - but I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together if I talk to them about it. Additionally, I have talked to my mom about our struggles so far, I don't know if she's told my dad or not (I'm guessing no, but I could be wrong), and I don't want to talk about how badly she feels for us. Because I know she will be keenly aware of how I am feeling. And I love her for that, but I'm not ready to talk about it.

So now I feel selfish because I've already planned to avoid talking to anyone until at least this weekend. Which will be easy to do since I've been filling my schedule more and more as I've felt emptier and emptier over the past few weeks.

Yet here I am, typing out my self pity in the blogosphere for nobody to read except myself. Sad.

But in other news, I saw my acupuncture doc again yesterday and since my general health is better, he wants to focus on my fertility now. Which is good. :) I started evening primrose oil yesterday for my [lack of] CM situation. He also placed some needles - with electricity - around my stomach and abdomen to stimulate my ovaries. He seems hopeful that I will ovulate earlier this cycle, so we'll see. That would be fantastic. I will keep my fingers crossed.

The Inevitable

I mentioned probably 3 to 4 weeks ago that my sister and brother-in-law decided to TTC this month. And I also mentioned that I'd have to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable situation in which they would immediately see a positive pregnancy test.

But despite my will to mentally prepare myself, I was so caught off guard and mentally UNprepared for the good news yesterday: they are, in fact, expecting! And I was the first person she told, which of course makes me feel special (though I would have expected this anyway!). I felt such a rush of emotions - the excitement she must feel, the wonder of what happens next...and the inevitable sorrow for my own situation.

So as I asked about her symptoms and when she was going to call her OB, tears silently streamed down my face. I imagined how happy my parents are going to be when they hear the news, and I selfishly thought about how that was supposed to be ME giving them the surprise of expecting their first grandchild.

I feel so ashamed of my emotions, and yet I know they are "normal." There is no reason that feeling sorry for myself has to interfere with my joy for my sister. And yet I still feel guilty for feeling this way.

All this, after a crap-tacular week as it was. I've been absolutely hating my job the past few weeks. Everything is always in limbo. I was supposed to start traveling extensively for work mid-February, but things have slipped every week since. Which may not sound that bad until you think about how the heck I'm supposed to plan anything. And now it appears my travel may start the first week of May, when I have a fun exercise class (8 week session that I paid a pretty penny for) starting & we're supposed to go visit the in-laws for a long weekend. After receiving a promotion to my previous supervisor's position - being assured they were going to hire someone to replace me - they've now told me they're not filling my old position. Translation? I now have to do 2 jobs. Fantastic. Especially considering I hated the first job & am finding this one to be little improvement.

So I've been spending years trying to figure out what it is I really want to do. I came up with 3 options that I know would make me happy just this past week. The problem? Each would require about 3 years of school full time. (And I already have 2 Master's degrees because I am a nerd with no life.) Considering how much I make at my previous job & the fact that P. and I make equal salaries, I just don't know how we could swing it. Especially if we ever do get successful as becoming KTFU. I had decided to go ahead and take a pre-req class at the community college this summer term & was really excited about it -- until I found out I won't be considered in-state for tuition until Fall term. And it would seriously take me 1.5 - 2 years to finish just the pre-req courses if I only take one at a time while working full time.

::sigh::

Add to that the fact that I finished our taxes this weekend and realized we owe thousands of dollars thanks to P. working overseas half the year, making considerably more than usual.

I know, I know - all I'm doing is whining & I'm annoying even myself. Right after Easter, no less - when we just celebrated the hope in His rising. I just need to accept the fact that when it rains, it pours. That's all there is to it. All I can do is press on. And try to do so with a smile.

In other news, P. immediately made an appointment to have his SA done this week - after he had to console me to stop my uncontrollable sobbing after we got home yesterday. He really is my rock & I don't know what I'd do without him. So hopefully we'll have the results in a couple weeks. Just in time for our one year anniversary of TTC. I guess I'll wait and see the results before deciding what to do should the results be normal. And in the meantime, I will do my best to remove my frustration and sadness from my sister's very exciting pregnancy.

And finally - I have no idea what's going on with my temps. They are even more wild than normal. It's probably my own fault because I've drowned my sorrows in a couple glasses of wine the past 2 nights. Guess I need to stop that so that my chart might hopefully show some signs of normalcy.

Herb & Supplement Support

Today's CD 4. So I had my acupuncture appointment yesterday & was able to give the doc my last chart. I told him how I've been insanely irritable the past few days, and he seemed to understand this perfectly from my chart. He said because I didn't have my normal PMS symptoms - spotting for a few days, nausea, etc. - I am "getting it all out now." Mmmmkay.

And though my ovulation day did improve slightly (from CD 26-27 to CD 24), he still isn't happy with my follicular phase and he suggested some herbs and a supplement to help. I was ready for any help I could get, so I jumped all over it. Here's what I'm starting:

Chaste Tree (aka Vitex) - 83.3 mg 1x per day

Tribulus - 725 mg 3x per day, CD 5 - 14 only

Ovex (supplement) - 2x358 mg 3x per day, CD 5 - 14 only

So we'll see what happens. The doc said it will probably become very obvious next cycle whether or not this protocol is working. But he said if I get really lucky, I might see some improvement this cycle since I'll get to start my CD 5 - 14 stuff tomorrow. This makes me a little more hopeful for this (or the next few) cycles.

Also, since I've booked a super fab & fun 5th anniversary vacation for us this fall, I've decided 2 things: (1) If I will get KTFU, it will be right before this trip because we will be in Vegas and Napa & thus I will be unable to drink. :) (2) If #1 does not occur, I don't think I will pursue meeting with an RE until after said vacation. Why? I just want to have a relaxing time without having to worry about timing and protocols and everything else that would come with seeing an RE.

So, we have a plan of sorts. Yay for that!

CD 3

And for some reason, I already feel like this cycle will be a waste of time. Have I completely lost faith and hope? What is wrong with me? And why am I so irritated lately? I hate my job again and it's just affecting me all.the.time! Ugh. And P. hasn't even begun planning for his SA, which is pretty much pissing me off as well.

I need to get out of this funk - fast!

So Confused

I know I've been missing in action lately. With P. gone and being on a TTC break cycle, I didn't have much to say. :)

I guess I could have blogged about how my little sister told me she and her husband are now officially TTC, but I refrained because the first few days were a little emotional for me. Don't get me wrong - I wish them all the best in their TTC journey, of course! And I completely look forward to having biological niece(s)/nephew(s)! But...well...I'm sure you can imagine how I would feel if they are successful before us, after P. and I have been trying for a while.

Anyway. So this cycle completely doesn't matter because we've had no baby-making sex; however, I am still confused about what's going on. My last two cycles, I've only had an 11 day LP. Today is 13 DPO for me. I also normally spot a few days before AF shows up, but as of today...nada. I'd like for my LP to go back to 13-14 days like it used to be, so this could be good news. But it's still pretty confusing. Additionally, I had almost no CM this cycle. Seriously. So while my chart shows a clear thermal shift, I had nothing to go by in the CM department. Please get with the program, body!

Also: I've been experiencing hella cramps the past 5 days...but only while I'm doing cardio. WTF? That is very strange. This morning was horrible. I was jogging on the treadmill and suddenly was gripped with the most painful freaking cramps of all time. I got hot and dizzy. They felt like PMS cramps, but then I realized with some horror that I had to move my bowels in the most urgent way! Ugh. So I actually had to STOP the treadmill and run to the bathroom. I was only 1/2 way through my workout at that point, so I decided to return to my workout after this, er, event. (Meanwhile, I KNOW people were watching and knew exactly why I left the treadmill and ran to the bathroom...how freaking embarrassing!)

So I started jogging again, but the cramps progressively got so bad that I had to give up. And I have an enormous tolerance for pain, so you can imagine how irritated I was by this. But I was in so much pain! So I slowed down, came to a stop, and basically ran to my car. Drove home (we only live a few minutes away) and only began to feel better after sitting down for about 20 minutes - and "going" 2 more times. (Sorry if this is TMI...but hey, it's my blog!) WTF? This is really bizarre behavior, even for my messed up self. Argh.

Thank God DH is Coming Home

I pick him up in a couple short hours, thank goodness! I've gotten SO MUCH accomplished in his absence, but it feels like I've been alone for an eternity. I am ready for human companionship again. :)

And, dare I say, ready to get back on the TTC bandwagon again after our short break!

I am convinced that I will be KTFU up very soon. Why? Because I just booked our anniversary vacation - Vegas and Napa Valley. That's right, two places where lots of drinking would be involved. And thus, I will definitely get KTFU beforehand so I won't be able to drink. And that would be OK with me. For the most part... ;-)

Liberating

I forgot to temp for the past 2 days, and it was really liberating. Well, actually I didn't temp on Monday because I was violently vomiting all night (medicine interaction...awesome). I was out sick Tuesday. And then I forgot to turn my alarm back on yesterday morning, so I didn't even wake up until 7:30. Yikes! At that point, I figured "who cares? 3 hours later then normal = wacky temp). But I went back to my routine this morning. I also haven't been checking CM or CP. Whatever.

I'm sure I'll start caring again when P. gets back home. But for now, not worrying about TTC is liberating.

Bah

This morning I found myself looking up my infertility benefits available via my health insurance. IF treatment is covered at 85% so long as I use an in-network provider, but my lifetime maximum is $5,000. That seems a little low, doesn't it?

::Sprinkles stop-overanalyzing-everything dust on self::

CD 8

And I think I finally stopped spotting. About freaking time!

I am actually thinking that being separated from P. during ovulation might be a good thing this cycle; I think we need a little bit of a break. I really hate to admit this, but sex has become such a focused mission over the past few months. And we've timed it so perfectly, but we have yet to see the fruits of our "labor." A month off might be nice, actually.

Ugh

So my stomach problems seem to be the result of intestinal parasites. Disgusting, no? No idea when or where I picked these up. Stupid amoebas! I am taking two heavy duty medicines to eradicate these little jerks, and the meds are seriously kicking my butt. Not only do I have a constant, bad headache, but I also have lovely stomach cramps. Awesome. 19 more days of this crap. Oh, and no drinking while I am on the meds. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Work is also kicking my butt. Constantly changing travel schedules, plus more work than I can possibly accomplish within the given deadlines. I'm really trying not to stress out about it, but that's especially difficult given the fact that P. is about to go on business travel for 3 - 4 weeks. And I will probably be leaving for my travel right as he returns. And we are definitely going to miss my fertile time this cycle. Double ugh.

I told him I need him to get his SA done as soon as he gets back, because at that point we will be dangerously close to the one year mark. And I want to get his stuff figured out so we know if we're dealing with a problem on his side, or if I need some internal diagnostics. My acupuncture doc wants to start me on an herb after I'm done with this stupid anti-parasite medicine to help with the fluctuating temps and possible progesterone issue in my LP. He says all signs point to a "liver qi" insufficiency. So we'll see.

More soon.

WTF??

So I managed only an 11 day LP last cycle. AND, my period was completely, 100% gone yesterday...but it returned today. All I can ask is, WTF body?

My acupuncture doc says that my liver qi is messed up. After I finish all my anti-protozoan medication (::sigh:: my life is so weird), he wants to start me on herbs. I wonder if he does vitex, because that was the next logical step in my mind.

Anyway. Trying not to stress about it, I swear!

Jinx

I really think I jinxed myself on this whole TTC thing. You see, before Cycle 3 ended, I just had this marvelous, glowing feeling that I was actually pregnant! Seriously. And I wanted to do something cutesy to tell P. So I ordered bandanas for the dogs that say "I'm the big brother" (and sister, for my baby girl). And then I made the most adorable little bib on cafepress.com to give to P. It has a picture of a biscuit and says "Daddy's Little Biscuit." (P. is irrationally obsessed with biscuits; this tidbit might make this saying sound an iota less strange). And because I go for overkill, I got a really cute "Bun in the Oven" shirt.

And of course, these things now sit in a long-forgotten plastic bag in my closet. And I've no clue when or if I will ever get to unveil them.

Lame. :(

CD 1: So Begins Cycle 8

Yep. No surprise.

I want to know how I can become hopeful again.

That Was Weird

I guess my post yesterday kicked the PMS into high gear, because literally within an hour of my post I began spotting and cramping. Awesome. Let's see if I can make it past a 12 day LP this time. Weirdest thing - I'd been consistently having a 14 day LP until last cycle, when it was only 11 days long. My acupuncture doc didn't like that LP one bit. So we'll see what happens this cycle.

In other news, I got adjusted by my chiropractor yesterday & I slept a million times better last night! I had a nerve in the right side of my neck that was swollen and painful and now it is feeling normal again. Thank goodness for getting sleep! I had mentioned TTC to the doc and he mentioned that because the muscles in my lower back and around my abdomen were all out of whack pre-adjustment, there's no telling whether or not sufficient nutrients and blood supply were making their way to my reproductive organs. No promises, of course, but it will be interesting to see where things go from here between the chiropractic and the acupuncture.

BFN x 2

Not that I was really expecting a BFP. In fact, I never test this early anymore, but I've tested now on 10 and 11 DPO because I have my colonoscopy on Friday, which will be 13 DPO. And undoubtedly the hospital will make me POAS before my anesthesia. So it would be a little embarrassing if I got to the hospital and got a BFP there. Not that I would be disappointed to miss my colonoscopy, of course. But I'm guessing a cancellation that late in the game might cause some problems. Anyway, it's just slightly empowering to POAS with the full expectation that the result will be BFN. It's no consolation, let me tell you; but it's better than testing with high hopes for a positive.

That said, Holy Temp Dip! ::points to chart below:: I couldn't believe how low my temp dipped yesterday. In fact, it was 96.8 (below cover line) when I first took my temp yesterday morning, but I immediately re-took it because I was half asleep and didn't have a good grip on the thermometer. The second reading was 97.2, which I stayed with. But still very close to the cover line. I normally would be expecting AF immediately after a dip like that, but the weirdest thing this cycle is the fact that I've yet to get my typical PMS cramps and spotting. I fully expect them to show up later today, or tomorrow at the latest.

Finally, I hope to goodness that I am able to fall asleep quickly tonight after my chiropractic adjustment! It's been taking me anywhere between 1 and 2 hours to fall asleep each night because my neck hurts so badly (I have a swollen nerve thanks to being out of alignment). I simply cannot wait for my appointment this afternoon!

Stomach Inflammation is a Biatch

So I naively thought that my stomach was going to start feeling better now that I'm on Prevacid and Zantac to help reduce the acid (and hopefully inflammation). Boy, was I wrong! Yesterday morning I was gripped by the worst nausea yet. In fact, it was so bad that both ends of my system were overloaded. I practically crawled from the bathroom to the couch after emptying everything and downing my anti-nausea meds. And the meds promptly knocked me out for a while. Just what I needed: taking MORE leave time from work. Ugh.

In other news, I find that I am becoming less optimistic about TTC. I don't know why. Really, I should be happy and thankful that I'm getting all these diagnostics. But instead, I seem to be subconsciously thinking that it's inevitable that we won't be able to have kids. I know that positive thought and even visualization is necessary in order to achieve our goal, so I am slightly horrified by these thoughts that I can't seem to control. I wish I could just bang my head against a wall and have these thoughts magically fall out. Really, what is wrong with me? Even at 9 months of trying, we're really just beginning our TTC journey (at least, this is my impression). I hope that I can hold out for the long haul.

I called Quest the other day to figure out the nearest lab that can do P's SA. Unfortunately, the nearest one is 45 minutes away! And since you're really supposed to get the sample to the lab about 30 minutes after it's given, I fear that P might actually have to give his sample AT the lab. He is not at all enthused about this idea. I'm sure I could go with him...errrr, I guess I'd better call the lab and ask. Another option might be for him to call our insurance company and see if he can drop the sample off at the hospital (which is only 10 minutes away, tops). But getting him to call will be a challenge on its own. ::sigh::

Anyway, here's to some hopefully more positive thinking in the near future! I think I may actually start posting on The Nest/Bump again soon, because not having anyone to talk to about this stuff is starting to get to me.

Unloading on Others

I did something that I wasn't expecting to do the other day: I divulged to my mom that we've been TTC, and having problems with it. I can't believe that I unloaded my "secret" on her! I have talked to a few others about it - namely, my sister and my two closest friends. And I didn't plan on telling my mom, but I did. So it's out there now. And somehow that makes me feel a little better. It sort of reminds me of being a little girl and snuggling up against my mom so she could protect me from the wrongs of the world. I guess, in a way, this was the adult version of doing just that.

Hello, Pineapple!

Today I am 3 DPO, according to FF. It corresponds to my CM and +OPK, but my temperatures are not the most convincing. It would help if my temps weren't all over the place pre-O. Oh well, the acupuncture doc is keeping an eye on that. So anyway, 3 DPO = third day of pineapple. At least there's always a silver lining. I love fresh pineapple better than almost anything else in the world. :)

In a familiar punch to the gut, I was forced to give urine for a pregnancy test this morning. I went in for my upper GI endoscopy, and of course, I'm "in that age group that they have to check." Ugh. Like I haven't seen enough negatives over the past year? Throw in a low blow right as I'm getting prepped for surgery. Geesh. The good news is that I don't have an ulcer, just inflammation of the stomach (otherwise known as gastritis). I have to take Prevacid and Zantac for 6 weeks to reduce the inflammation. The doc did, however, biopsy what appears to be bacteria within my stomach. I should know something in a couple days.

Yesterday I had a CT of my abdomen and pelvis to look for fun things like liver or pancreas damage. I will see my doctor next week and find out more. I also get to have a colonoscopy next week on the same day. Awesome. The fun never stops around here!

Normal CD3 Results!

I got some good news from my OB/GYN's office: my CD3 blood work results were normal! I was honestly shocked, as my doctor overseas had gone on and on about how my hormone levels were out of balance. Shocked in a good way, though. :) And now it's P's turn -- she is ordering an SA for him. I'm sure he's thrilled... Not. Anyway, I'm going to pick up the collection cup and instructions today. From what I understand, he gets to make the deposit at home and drop it off at a lab, so that's not too bad.

In other news, I saw the acupuncturist again yesterday. He seems to think that something is going on with my liver. He looked at all my charts and explained how a problem with my liver could cause blockages in my menstrual cycle. He said it makes sense when looking at how long the follicular phase of my cycles are. It was strange printing out my charts because I've been off BCPs for 14 months now; yet I only had 9 cycles/charts to bring in. Yikes! I am really enjoying the acupuncture sessions and I love that the doc is so into nutrition - I've wanted to see a nutritionist for a while to ensure I'm getting the proper balance of nutrients in my diet.

Finally, romance is in the air with Valentine's Day tomorrow! :) All this TTC business has made sex a bit lackluster lately - it's amazing how trying to time everything for 9 months can begin to kill the spontaneity and romance that normally surrounds sex. So I really wanted to surprise P with something to spice things up (besides more lingerie - I have the largest lingerie collection around). I got several pieces from the Liberator collection, and I plan on trying them today! We both took most of the day off from work, and we have a romantic dinner on the water planned tonight. So I think we can try one piece this afternoon and maybe a combination tonight. Perfect timing, too - as I got a +OPK yesterday and my temp did not rise this morning. But I am not telling P that the timing is right...I want to get back to the spontaneous feeling :)

Happy [early] Valentine's Day everyone!

That Was Interesting

This afternoon I met with the gastroenterologist and the acupuncturist. Firs and foremost, I've been given a brief reprieve from the colonoscopy, and instead I will be having an endoscopy of the upper GI the week after next. Apparently the doc is more worried about an ulcer, and possibly a liver issue. So we wait. P gets to drag my happy butt to the hospital at 6 AM the morning of the test. I'm sure he's ecstatic.

And now for the acupuncture. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I completely believe that Chinese Medicine works. I met with the doc for the first hour, going over my extensive medical history. After that, he spent time taking my pulse at different points, investigating my tongue and my palms, and doing an interesting body scan. He says that I am exposed to some sort of chemical that is causing me problems, and he also said my biggest problem areas seem to be my ute, my ovaries and my adrenal glands! I had briefly mentioned that my cycles have been irregular, but the main reason I went today was because of the itching and digestive issues. So I found that to be very interesting indeed.

Then he placed needles in the front of my lower legs, one of my forearms, several on top of my head, two in each ear, and one right between my eyes. I could feel a few go in, and I felt tingling on top of my head while the needles were in, but it was in no way uncomfortable. He left me like that for 25 - 30 minutes, came back, took the needles out, and I was done for the day. I'll go back for four more sessions and then he will present my "plan," which will be some mixture of acupuncture, herbs and/or supplements, and dietary changes.

I have to keep a food journal to bring back next time, and he wants me to eliminate diary for one week (easy - I hardly eat any). If that doesn't help my GI issues, he wants me to eliminate wheat for a week. Now that will be much more difficult, obviously. Although my grains consist mainly of oatmeal and brown rice...so I think I'll live. He also wants me to bring in my FF charts next time; in fact, he is familiar with Fertility Friend! Anyway, I am excited to get this show on the road. More soon!

Freaking Temp Fluctuations

Dear body, WTF is this?  ::points down to chart:: Why on Earth do my temperatures fluctuate so much?  You know all this does is piss me off.  Argh.

Something that is kind of interesting (but still annoys me) is the fact that my temperatures used to be much lower (and more consistent) than they have been over the past year. In fact, when I was going through my Lyme diagnosis debacle back in the day, one morning my temperature literally registered at 94.4 on my basal thermometer. I thought that I had done something wrong or the battery was dying, so I took my temp on a fever thermometer and it was 94.6. My doctor didn't believe me when I told her that. When I looked around on the interwebs, I discovered that generally anything below 95 degrees is considered hypothermia. WTF? My body is so bizarre. I've never registered a temp that low since then, but I have gone below 96 on several other occasions. But strangely enough, my temps have been relatively high as of late. Weird.

Anyway, I fasted last night and went in for my blood draw this morning. I broke a new personal record - I gave TEN (10!!!!) vials of blood this morning! I actually felt OK afterwards, although I've been feeling very nauseated since getting home. I'm glad I went ahead and took the whole day off. I dropped off my prescription for anti-nausea meds this morning, but it won't be ready for a while (my fault - I didn't feel like waiting). Anyway, I'm going to attempt to take a nap before my gastroenterologist appointment this afternoon. With any luck, I might get a little more sleep since I tossed and turned with nausea last night! Oh, the joys of mystery diseases...

Well Now, That Sort of Sucks

The battery of tests that began when I was overseas are about to resume.  More blood work tomorrow.  A pre-colonoscopy visit with a gastroenterologist on Thursday.  An abdominal CT in a couple weeks.  And the actual colonoscopy  to be scheduled.  Oy vey.

I just hope that there will be some answers in all of this.  Whether regarding TTC or not, I need to feel somewhat normal!  :)

In other news, P and I may completely miss my fertile window this month.  I guess it all depends.  If I stay consistent and O around CD 25 - 27, then we might have perfect timing, actually.  But I am very aware of the way my body behaves - like a puppy that's had no training, basically!  With my luck, I'll O tomorrow.  Oh well, only time will tell.

Looking Forward to this Week

I'm trying to be positive about this week and its potential!

First, I have an appointment with a nurse practitioner on Tuesday morning to discuss the...errrr...digestive problems I've been experiencing for the past few weeks.  I called on Friday morning after vomiting, and wouldn't you know that my stomach has been acting more normal since then?  Well, with the exception of not being able to eat much food without feeling ill.  I guess it's good to get in anyway, even if there's not much she'll be able to do for me.  At the very least, I'll make a new patient appointment with the doctor that I'd like to start seeing as my GP; he works in the same office as the nurse practitioner, which is how I found her in the first place.

And second, I have the aforementioned acupuncture appointment on Thursday.  I am very excited about that.  I just hope the acupuncture doc isn't overwhelmed by my complaints -- digestive problems, itching all over my body, wacky menstrual cycles, OH MY!  I found this acupuncturist via good online reviews, so I have a lot of hope.  If nothing else, it will be interesting!

Other than that, not too much.  P's going out of town for work for the week tomorrow.  Our living room furniture gets delivered Wednesday.  As much as I dislike being by myself, part of me is looking forward to a few days alone.  I'm envisioning some yoga sessions in the living room, fun solo walks with the dogs, maybe a chick flick or two.  :)  What sucks is when P comes home this weekend, I fly out a few hours later for a business trip.  However, we're both playing hooky Friday the 13th and have an excellent dinner planned on the town.  And we have fun plans for Valentine's Day as well.  And, if my wacky cycles stay somewhat consistent this time...I should be O'ing right around that time.  Here's to hoping it works out (and I don't end up O'ing while we're apart)!

Irony at its Finest

This is seriously getting over-the-top ridiculous.  I woke up at 4:30 this morning feeling nauseated beyond belief.  And I just vomited again - second time this week.  And I swear, I am someone who never vomits.  Unless I have the flu or have recently undergone anesthesia.  Neither of which are true for me at this time.  I don't even have a fever.

I'd just like to say that this is extremely unfair.  Pregnancy-type symptoms occurring when I am clearly not pregnant?  Body, you suck!!!!

On a positive note, I scheduled my very first acupuncture appointment for Thursday next week.  I have high hopes that will help me begin to feel better.  Here's to hoping, anyway!

Health Insurance Snob

OK, so I fully admit that I am a health insurance snob.  I get the highest coverage PPO that my company provides, and I pay handsomely for it.  Consequently, I expect certain things, like not being required to gain referrals for specialists and the like.

Yesterday, I somehow stumbled upon a Lyme Disease specialist.  The only one in Florida.  And he is in my area!  With my recent symptom flares, I was quite excited at this find, and I called the office immediately to schedule an appointment.  Only to find that this doctor requires referrals from GPs and/or PCPs!  WTF?

I was taken aback at first, but I suppose I can understand the need for this system now.  With so few Lyme specialists in the U.S., these docs are probably inundated by people who have been diagnosed and those who think they might have the disease.  So OK, I get their policy.

My problem: I still need to find a primary doctor.  ::sigh::  I admit, I have been avoiding it.  First of all, I've only been in this area for six months.  Second of all, I work from home and basically know nobody around here to ask for recommendations.  P doesn't like his coworkers very much and probably wouldn't trust their recommendations.  I've searched on Angie's List and just haven't found what I'm looking for.

I wouldn't be so picky if I hadn't experienced such sub par primary care in the past.  However, I need to get over my hangups and get my arse in gear.  I just need to pick someone and make an appointment.  Most doctors give me the blank look when I go over my lengthy medical history, so I'm sure nobody would have a problem referring me off to a specialist anyway.

So this week's to do's are:

1. Find a primary doc
2. Make an appt. for acupuncture

::Takes a Tylenol for ongoing cramps and slinks off to get butt in gear::

Why, body, why?

I am still spotting today.  Today is CD7.  And I spotted for two days before my period as well, so altogether I have had some form of bleeding for 9 days straight?  WTF?  This never happens, and I don't think it should be happening.  Man, this totally sucks.  I guess the saving grace is that I'm not really cramping today, at least.  Yet.  Argh.

Is my frustration readily evident yet?

I'm going to try to go the rest of the day without being frustrated with my body.  Please wish me good luck in this quest.

Ugh

Well, we did accomplish our furniture shopping yesterday, but boy did I feel awful the entire time we were out!  Geesh.  I finally managed to down some saltines and a bit of tomato soup last night.  No thanks to Target, where they had a display of super smelly dryer sheets stacked right next the checkout line that we chose.  I almost tossed cookies right there in the store.  I'm very confused about why smells are bothering me right now.  I suppose the blessing is the fact that this is happening after my period, rather than before my period when I would have interpreted this as a possible pregnancy sign.

This morning I woke up with a sore throat and pounding head.  I just hope I don't have the flu.

Anyway, I am hoping to hear something about my CD3 blood results this week.  It would be nice to have some answers and some sort of course of action.  I know P won't be overly thrilled about submitting a sample if my results come back normal, but he's the other half to this equation and I know he'll do it promptly so we can get this show on the road.  If it even comes to that, of course.  I'm expecting some abnormalities in my results anyway, considering the inconsistencies that were found about 15 months ago.  All we can do is wait and see for now.

Right now I am taking it one day at a time, and I am really concentrating on feeling joy for women who are pregnant right now.  I so do not want to become bitter.  It's a constant internal struggle, believe me.  However, bitterness will not produce anything besides unhappiness, so I know it's something that must be controlled.  All I can do is look forward to the unbelievable happiness that awaits me, too.  One day.

WTF??

This a test of the Biological Clock rant system.  This is only a test.

I just can't figure out my body, and it's seriously pissing me off.  First of all, I stopped bleeding yesterday.  Great, right?  I thought so.  Until I started bleeding again all of a sudden this afternoon.  WTF?

And as if that isn't enough...  We were having a great Sunday morning.  I made a great start on my 101 Things in 1001 Days list.  We walked the dogs in the beautiful Florida sunshine, I drank my morning coffee, surfed the 'Net and watched HGTV to my little heart's desire.  And then, out of nowhere, I became extremely nauseated.  I had to lie down until my tummy couldn't take it anymore, and at that point I ran to the bathroom and vomited.

Went to lie down again, hoping to drift to sleep and awaken feeling much better.  However, the acidic feeling in my throat now required Tums.  Thought I felt better, so I jumped in the shower.  Went through my usual lotion and deodorant routine post-shower, and now I am extremely disturbed by the scent of my lotion (an organic and natural lotion, by the way) and my everyday deodorant.  Feel as though I am going to vomit again.

WTF?

First of all, I have a stomach of steel and I never vomit.  I get nauseated before my period every cycle, but I rarely vomit.  Second of all, why the hell are my everyday smells bothering me?  Third of all, this is so effed up because I just had my period (well, am having it again today, apparently).  And finally, I am ticked because we are supposed to be furniture shopping right now.  I do not have time for this ridiculous business.

Dear body, you suck.  Now get over this drama and start feeling normal again, dammit!

Rant over.

Fresh Start

I started bleeding last night.  Which means two things:

1. I had the most horrible cramps last night, making sleep all but impossible.

2. I get to go in for my CD3 blood work tomorrow morning, with the timing being just about right.

And so, I have a fresh start.  A new cycle (Cycle #7 TTC), and a new look at my hormone levels.  Hopefully this will give me some answers.  If not, then I guess P gets to get busy with himself at a lab.  :)  Ha!

I'm going to try to be optimistic for the remainder of the night, despite the horrible cramping that has me lying on a heating pad!

I'm Annoyed With Myself

Gah, I have been so annoying the past couple days!  Between my disappointment at impending AF and the fact that I've felt like complete crap, I have not been much fun lately.  It' no wonder P. hasn't been feeling well, either.  I'd pretend to be sick if I had to deal with myself, too.  :P

In other news, it's freaking COLD here in southern Florida!  I had to dig out a winter coat and scarf just for the purpose of walking the dogs tonight.  We have the heat on in the house, even!  The good news is that it has been sunny.  And since we're getting solar heat installed to the pool this weekend, that is fantastic news.  And really, I can't complain about the weather THAT much...it's supposed to reach 70+ degrees again by Friday.  I can't wait!

Anyway, back to AF Watch 2009.  I'm guessing I will need to call the OB's office tomorrow to get instructions as far as when to get my blood drawn...since it will most likely not be possible on CD3. 

Emotional Wreck

I had some more spotting last night, and it sent me over the edge.  Right in the middle of watching 24 with P, I started bawling.  With the spotting getting heavier and the cramping getting worse, it seems obvious to me that my period is going to start sooner than it should.  And that will totally throw off my schedule for getting my CD3 blood work done.  I mean, hopefully it won't make a huge difference - I might have to get it done a tad early or late - but why can't things just take place as scheduled?

I hope that getting my blood drawn on a different cycle day won't mess up the results too badly.  I'm sure they're going to suck anyway.  

Gawd, I just started crying again.  I am such a mess.  I keep getting this nagging feeling that God is trying to communicate to me that I am not supposed to have kids or something.  And considering the fact that we've only been trying for 8 months at this point, I truly admire and am in awe of couples who have been trying for so much longer.  How do you keep the faith?  I so wish I knew.

OK, enough of my blubbering.  Time for the inauguration.  Yay!

Spotting...Ugh

I've been trying not to think too much about my daily "symptoms" now that I've only got a mere 4 days left until testing.  I thought that by not thinking about it, I wouldn't be stressing...which might transform into good luck...  But this morning I was greeted with brown spotting.  BAH!  And as if to rub it in further, my FF "Early Pregnancy Signs" probability has dropped to 27.  Niiiiiice.

The thing that upsets me the most about the spotting is the fact that I've been taking vitamin B-6 religiously and that seemed to cut down on pre-AF spotting last cycle.  Not this cycle, I guess.

Not much in the way of cramping yet, but I know it's only a matter of time at this point.  Oh well.  I'm sure everyone is so interested in every little twinge in my ute.  :P  Ha ha!

Happy MLK Day, and Happy Inauguration Day Eve!  :-)

FF Early Pregnancy Signs

OK...I've been a FF VIP user for well over a year now, but recently they've been rolling out some strange "enhancements."  Such as the Early Pregnancy Signs silliness.  Leveraging the data that FF has collected through who-knows-how-many user charts, the system checks your signs or symptoms (such as nausea, headache, etc.) against those experienced in charts that result in pregnancy.  The algorithm then spits out a pregnancy probability for your current chart.

As if we don't have enough stupid things to obsess over, now I have a pregnancy probability.  Great.

This has been in place for a few months, so I don't know why I am just now getting around to ranting about it.  But I hate this thing.  Let me tell you, the past two cycles the damn thing has given me around 80% probability of being pregnant.  WRONG!  And this cycle, which I've pretty much already written off, it's telling me I only have a 30% probability.  Awesome.  Thanks, FF!  Now if I DO end up KTFU this cycle, at least I will be able to add to the theory that has been propagated by other Nesties - that the lower your "score," the better chance you have of being KTFU!  Ha!  :P

In other news, I doped myself up with Benadryl last night, slathered myself with anti-itch cream, and was able to sleep soundly until 4 AM, when I woke up with heartburn.  The heartburn was probably due to the super hot and tasty Indian food I ate last night (yellow lentils in spinach sauce and chili naan....YUMMO), he two glasses of Pinot Grigio, and the fact that I passed out within 15 minutes of getting home from the restaurant.  Ah well.  It was all still worth it.  :)

Disclaimer: Do not follow my bad example and mix Benadryl and alcohol.  Unless, of course, you've had insomnia all week due to incessant, full body itching.  And you're willing to provide entertainment to others!  :)