The State of my CM

Because I am sure that everyone wants to know!

I don't know if it's because I recently had the HSG, or because I've been taking my Evening Primrose Oil supplements religiously...but either way, I've noticed significant improvement in the quality of my CM this month! So with the high hopes that perhaps P.'s vitamins are helping...we've been getting busy every other day in anticipation of ovulation. We're trying to keep it fun and lighthearted (easier said than done), but I already know that I will be dealing with extreme disappointment should I see another BFN this month.

Because now I know that each BFN brings me closer and closer to medical intervention that I was so hoping to avoid in this journey.

Right now, I'm not ready to give up on the idea that we can do this on our own.

By the way, today is CD21. I hope that I O very soon - earlier than usual would be really nice.

Must Find New Job Immediately

No, I didn't get laid off. Things were really shaky on my project for the past 3 weeks, but word on the street is that we officially have "authority to proceed" with work at this point. Of course, when you seriously dislike your job, this isn't necessarily great news.

But the reason I have revamped my resume (yet again) and have been applying for positions like a crazy woman is because now that the project is starting, the ridiculous business travel schedule is coming out. And it appears that I would be out of town not only during O for this cycle, but also for next cycle.

Are you effing kidding me? Right after my HSG, when the RE told us to really try to get things done naturally post-tube flushing??

And not only that, but fast forward a few months (should we not be successful naturally) & imagine we have to begin cycling. How the &%$# am I supposed to go in constantly for monitoring appointments - never mind insemination or retrieval/transfer or whatever - when I can get sent places at the drop of a hat?

This just isn't going to work. I must find a new job. For our marriage, my sanity, and any shot we have at procreating. So let the search begin (or continue, as it were). Please, please, PLEASE come through for me, Lord!

In other news, my sister texted me and saw the babe during the u/s! I am waiting for her to call and tell me everything. She's been extremely sick for about the past week, but she's smart enough that she hasn't complained about it that much to me. :)

Make it Stop!

Oh.my.God. I woke up this morning feeling extremely sick to my stomach. At first, I thought it was just cramps & tried to go back to sleep. Once I got up, I realized I felt nauseated, yet strangely hungry at the same time. So I ate a few cookies (breakfast of champions?). And now I feel like the room is spinning.

Ugh. I'm not sure if this is some after-effect of yesterday's medical festival, or the ice cream in which I indulged. It's probably the latter, but I'll blame it on the former.

All Clear!

Wow, the HSG today ended up going much better than I expected, for the most part! The part that surprised me: the "pain" was really no more uncomfortable than a regular pap. ::sigh of relief::

The only complication, per se, was the fact that the doc was having a hard time inserting the catheter all the way! He tried one, started the dye, and it started pouring out on the table. So he switched to another catheter; same thing happened. As you can imagine, I was getting really nervous at this point. I could feel my legs shaking. Then when the doc asked, "Are you sure you've never had an abnormal pap?" - I almost passed out because I was certain that I had some major structural deformity.

But the third time was the charm. I watched on the screen as the dye slowly started filling my ute and then trickling out my tubes! My doc said he was sending "extra dye through" to help clear everything, and he mentioned how this helps boost fertility. So I guess we can hope that the vitamins will help P. & the HSG will help me! My cycles will still be wacky, of course, but we can always hope.

Speaking of vitamins, I saw my acupuncture doc this afternoon & he had me pick up some Wheat Germ Oil to add to P.'s regimen; apparently it packs a powerful combo of selenium and vitamin E.

After P. & I left the RE's office, we went out for lunch. We were hoping to hit up a German restaurant in the area, but it wasn't open for lunch today. :( But that's OK - we found a new Greek place and had yummy meals. And then we hit up Coldstone Creamery so I could pack on a couple extra pounds! I got the Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip and went overboard with a medium size cup, but boy was it fantastic! I totally didn't *need* it, but it was a comforting consolation prize for having to go through such a crazy procedure as that HSG. I wasn't going to back down on my demands for ice cream even though the procedure didn't really hurt. I'm not completely lacking in common sense! :P

Update: I started feeling some cramping about 5 hours after my HSG and popped another Rx Naproxen. It's sort of knocking out the cramping, but not totally. It's not horrible, just enough to be annoying. And I am sooooo sleepy, probably from getting so worked up over the whole thing today. So while I should be going to an exercise class in which I am enrolled, I think I'm going to stay home and relax tonight. That's something I don't do enough of anyway.

Confessions

#1: The tone of this blog is quite a bit different from my "IRL" blog (link in right-hand column). I've come to realize that I am much more negative in this blog due to the nature of the content. However, I hope to begin changing that & posting in a more authentic "voice." I promise to start working on that.

#2: I am terrified of the upcoming HSG. My period started full force on Tuesday night, so I called the RE's office yesterday morning, and they scheduled my HSG for Monday morning! EEK! My sister works in radiology & has sat in on these procedures, and she assures me I'll be fine. I have to admit that some of my fear was relieved when I found out that our RE will actually perform the procedure, so that's good. But still, I fear that I will pass out from pain right on the table. And then our RE will know exactly what a wimp I am, possibly deciding right then and there that I am NOT strong enough to handle anything beyond TI. :P OK, maybe not. I'm sure it will all be fine. Right???

#3: My sister's first ultrasound is next week. I have to admit a tiny pinch of hurt at the fact that our "schedules" are so aligned - as in, she sees the OB right around the same times I see the RE. BUT, I am very excited to hear how the u/s goes and how she feels when she hears the heartbeat, etc.! :)

**Edited to Add (ETA): I forgot to say that P. is absolutely fantastic! Without me even asking, he took Monday off to be with me for the HSG. And he said we'd get ice cream afterwards. ::sigh:: Sometimes I forget how truly lucky I am! And despite the difficulties of this whole IF thing, it seems to be bringing us even closer together. I need to keep this feeling close during the dark times!

First RE Appt.

Today P. and I went to our very first "couple" doctor's appointment and met our RE. We like him, so that's one big hurdle down! He was very personable and seemed to be thorough, though I was surprised that he didn't lecture us on decreasing caffeine intake or anything like that. (Though I have to admit I am secretly glad, as I was planning on cutting out the coffee cold turkey; now I've decided I will limit myself to one cup per day.)

The big disappointment for me was the fact that, despite my OB's office swearing they sent my records over, the doctor did not have my previous records. Which means we still don't have the exact #'s from P's SA. Maybe I will just call and get the actual #'s tomorrow for my own sanity. I was really hoping for some sort of analysis of those #'s. The RE wrote a script for a vitamin for P. to take, and he's to take 50 mg of zinc daily. The hope is that these two things will help boost his count and motility. So he takes these for a month and then he'll repeat his SA. This time he can do it at home and either of us can drop it off at the RE's office, which is a big relief also!

As for me, he did a quick internal after our consultation to obtain a sample of CM for analysis. Not sure if they're trying to determine if it's hostile or what. My period is about to start any time now, so of course I was spotting for the internal. Oh well. As soon as my period starts, I am to call and schedule the dreaded HSG! I'm nervous about having it done, but I know it will be helpful. He already wrote the script for a painkiller and antibiotic for me to take in conjunction with the procedure. The office is very well organized, so that gives me some peace of mind!

And that's about it for now. Once we have completed the next SA and my HSG, we'll go back in to see what the next steps are. Our RE's hope is P.'s SA will improve, he'll be able to regulate my cycles with drugs, and we'll be able to do this with timed intercourse. Of course, he did warn that if P's numbers are severely low, IVF might be our only option. I am just praying that is not the case...

So overall, I'd classify today as a success.

And my final note: FF is on so much crack, it's insane! It has changed my crosshairs back and forth at least 6 times over the past week. I'm still not convinced I ovulated at all. Whatever...