Irony at its Finest

This is seriously getting over-the-top ridiculous.  I woke up at 4:30 this morning feeling nauseated beyond belief.  And I just vomited again - second time this week.  And I swear, I am someone who never vomits.  Unless I have the flu or have recently undergone anesthesia.  Neither of which are true for me at this time.  I don't even have a fever.

I'd just like to say that this is extremely unfair.  Pregnancy-type symptoms occurring when I am clearly not pregnant?  Body, you suck!!!!

On a positive note, I scheduled my very first acupuncture appointment for Thursday next week.  I have high hopes that will help me begin to feel better.  Here's to hoping, anyway!

Health Insurance Snob

OK, so I fully admit that I am a health insurance snob.  I get the highest coverage PPO that my company provides, and I pay handsomely for it.  Consequently, I expect certain things, like not being required to gain referrals for specialists and the like.

Yesterday, I somehow stumbled upon a Lyme Disease specialist.  The only one in Florida.  And he is in my area!  With my recent symptom flares, I was quite excited at this find, and I called the office immediately to schedule an appointment.  Only to find that this doctor requires referrals from GPs and/or PCPs!  WTF?

I was taken aback at first, but I suppose I can understand the need for this system now.  With so few Lyme specialists in the U.S., these docs are probably inundated by people who have been diagnosed and those who think they might have the disease.  So OK, I get their policy.

My problem: I still need to find a primary doctor.  ::sigh::  I admit, I have been avoiding it.  First of all, I've only been in this area for six months.  Second of all, I work from home and basically know nobody around here to ask for recommendations.  P doesn't like his coworkers very much and probably wouldn't trust their recommendations.  I've searched on Angie's List and just haven't found what I'm looking for.

I wouldn't be so picky if I hadn't experienced such sub par primary care in the past.  However, I need to get over my hangups and get my arse in gear.  I just need to pick someone and make an appointment.  Most doctors give me the blank look when I go over my lengthy medical history, so I'm sure nobody would have a problem referring me off to a specialist anyway.

So this week's to do's are:

1. Find a primary doc
2. Make an appt. for acupuncture

::Takes a Tylenol for ongoing cramps and slinks off to get butt in gear::

Why, body, why?

I am still spotting today.  Today is CD7.  And I spotted for two days before my period as well, so altogether I have had some form of bleeding for 9 days straight?  WTF?  This never happens, and I don't think it should be happening.  Man, this totally sucks.  I guess the saving grace is that I'm not really cramping today, at least.  Yet.  Argh.

Is my frustration readily evident yet?

I'm going to try to go the rest of the day without being frustrated with my body.  Please wish me good luck in this quest.

Ugh

Well, we did accomplish our furniture shopping yesterday, but boy did I feel awful the entire time we were out!  Geesh.  I finally managed to down some saltines and a bit of tomato soup last night.  No thanks to Target, where they had a display of super smelly dryer sheets stacked right next the checkout line that we chose.  I almost tossed cookies right there in the store.  I'm very confused about why smells are bothering me right now.  I suppose the blessing is the fact that this is happening after my period, rather than before my period when I would have interpreted this as a possible pregnancy sign.

This morning I woke up with a sore throat and pounding head.  I just hope I don't have the flu.

Anyway, I am hoping to hear something about my CD3 blood results this week.  It would be nice to have some answers and some sort of course of action.  I know P won't be overly thrilled about submitting a sample if my results come back normal, but he's the other half to this equation and I know he'll do it promptly so we can get this show on the road.  If it even comes to that, of course.  I'm expecting some abnormalities in my results anyway, considering the inconsistencies that were found about 15 months ago.  All we can do is wait and see for now.

Right now I am taking it one day at a time, and I am really concentrating on feeling joy for women who are pregnant right now.  I so do not want to become bitter.  It's a constant internal struggle, believe me.  However, bitterness will not produce anything besides unhappiness, so I know it's something that must be controlled.  All I can do is look forward to the unbelievable happiness that awaits me, too.  One day.

WTF??

This a test of the Biological Clock rant system.  This is only a test.

I just can't figure out my body, and it's seriously pissing me off.  First of all, I stopped bleeding yesterday.  Great, right?  I thought so.  Until I started bleeding again all of a sudden this afternoon.  WTF?

And as if that isn't enough...  We were having a great Sunday morning.  I made a great start on my 101 Things in 1001 Days list.  We walked the dogs in the beautiful Florida sunshine, I drank my morning coffee, surfed the 'Net and watched HGTV to my little heart's desire.  And then, out of nowhere, I became extremely nauseated.  I had to lie down until my tummy couldn't take it anymore, and at that point I ran to the bathroom and vomited.

Went to lie down again, hoping to drift to sleep and awaken feeling much better.  However, the acidic feeling in my throat now required Tums.  Thought I felt better, so I jumped in the shower.  Went through my usual lotion and deodorant routine post-shower, and now I am extremely disturbed by the scent of my lotion (an organic and natural lotion, by the way) and my everyday deodorant.  Feel as though I am going to vomit again.

WTF?

First of all, I have a stomach of steel and I never vomit.  I get nauseated before my period every cycle, but I rarely vomit.  Second of all, why the hell are my everyday smells bothering me?  Third of all, this is so effed up because I just had my period (well, am having it again today, apparently).  And finally, I am ticked because we are supposed to be furniture shopping right now.  I do not have time for this ridiculous business.

Dear body, you suck.  Now get over this drama and start feeling normal again, dammit!

Rant over.

Fresh Start

I started bleeding last night.  Which means two things:

1. I had the most horrible cramps last night, making sleep all but impossible.

2. I get to go in for my CD3 blood work tomorrow morning, with the timing being just about right.

And so, I have a fresh start.  A new cycle (Cycle #7 TTC), and a new look at my hormone levels.  Hopefully this will give me some answers.  If not, then I guess P gets to get busy with himself at a lab.  :)  Ha!

I'm going to try to be optimistic for the remainder of the night, despite the horrible cramping that has me lying on a heating pad!

I'm Annoyed With Myself

Gah, I have been so annoying the past couple days!  Between my disappointment at impending AF and the fact that I've felt like complete crap, I have not been much fun lately.  It' no wonder P. hasn't been feeling well, either.  I'd pretend to be sick if I had to deal with myself, too.  :P

In other news, it's freaking COLD here in southern Florida!  I had to dig out a winter coat and scarf just for the purpose of walking the dogs tonight.  We have the heat on in the house, even!  The good news is that it has been sunny.  And since we're getting solar heat installed to the pool this weekend, that is fantastic news.  And really, I can't complain about the weather THAT much...it's supposed to reach 70+ degrees again by Friday.  I can't wait!

Anyway, back to AF Watch 2009.  I'm guessing I will need to call the OB's office tomorrow to get instructions as far as when to get my blood drawn...since it will most likely not be possible on CD3. 

Emotional Wreck

I had some more spotting last night, and it sent me over the edge.  Right in the middle of watching 24 with P, I started bawling.  With the spotting getting heavier and the cramping getting worse, it seems obvious to me that my period is going to start sooner than it should.  And that will totally throw off my schedule for getting my CD3 blood work done.  I mean, hopefully it won't make a huge difference - I might have to get it done a tad early or late - but why can't things just take place as scheduled?

I hope that getting my blood drawn on a different cycle day won't mess up the results too badly.  I'm sure they're going to suck anyway.  

Gawd, I just started crying again.  I am such a mess.  I keep getting this nagging feeling that God is trying to communicate to me that I am not supposed to have kids or something.  And considering the fact that we've only been trying for 8 months at this point, I truly admire and am in awe of couples who have been trying for so much longer.  How do you keep the faith?  I so wish I knew.

OK, enough of my blubbering.  Time for the inauguration.  Yay!

Spotting...Ugh

I've been trying not to think too much about my daily "symptoms" now that I've only got a mere 4 days left until testing.  I thought that by not thinking about it, I wouldn't be stressing...which might transform into good luck...  But this morning I was greeted with brown spotting.  BAH!  And as if to rub it in further, my FF "Early Pregnancy Signs" probability has dropped to 27.  Niiiiiice.

The thing that upsets me the most about the spotting is the fact that I've been taking vitamin B-6 religiously and that seemed to cut down on pre-AF spotting last cycle.  Not this cycle, I guess.

Not much in the way of cramping yet, but I know it's only a matter of time at this point.  Oh well.  I'm sure everyone is so interested in every little twinge in my ute.  :P  Ha ha!

Happy MLK Day, and Happy Inauguration Day Eve!  :-)

FF Early Pregnancy Signs

OK...I've been a FF VIP user for well over a year now, but recently they've been rolling out some strange "enhancements."  Such as the Early Pregnancy Signs silliness.  Leveraging the data that FF has collected through who-knows-how-many user charts, the system checks your signs or symptoms (such as nausea, headache, etc.) against those experienced in charts that result in pregnancy.  The algorithm then spits out a pregnancy probability for your current chart.

As if we don't have enough stupid things to obsess over, now I have a pregnancy probability.  Great.

This has been in place for a few months, so I don't know why I am just now getting around to ranting about it.  But I hate this thing.  Let me tell you, the past two cycles the damn thing has given me around 80% probability of being pregnant.  WRONG!  And this cycle, which I've pretty much already written off, it's telling me I only have a 30% probability.  Awesome.  Thanks, FF!  Now if I DO end up KTFU this cycle, at least I will be able to add to the theory that has been propagated by other Nesties - that the lower your "score," the better chance you have of being KTFU!  Ha!  :P

In other news, I doped myself up with Benadryl last night, slathered myself with anti-itch cream, and was able to sleep soundly until 4 AM, when I woke up with heartburn.  The heartburn was probably due to the super hot and tasty Indian food I ate last night (yellow lentils in spinach sauce and chili naan....YUMMO), he two glasses of Pinot Grigio, and the fact that I passed out within 15 minutes of getting home from the restaurant.  Ah well.  It was all still worth it.  :)

Disclaimer: Do not follow my bad example and mix Benadryl and alcohol.  Unless, of course, you've had insomnia all week due to incessant, full body itching.  And you're willing to provide entertainment to others!  :)

Are My Cycles Regulating?

I've been so irregular for so long now that I have not bothered looking for any patterns in my cycles.  But today as I was entering my temp on FF, I realized that my last two cycles were fairly similar - I O'd on CD 25 and 26, and cycle length was 40 and 41 days.  And sure enough, this cycle I O'd on either CD 25 or 26.  Amazing!

That said, I've done a little too much Googling about late ovulation.  Apparently some doctors believe that there are problems when women O past CD 21 on a regular basis.  ::sigh::  Can I ever be normal?  I am now really interested to see what my blood test results will be after CD 3 testing next cycle.  I wonder if I will eventually end up on Clomid so I can O earlier?  I would rather avoid medication, but it sure would be nice to have more chances to conceive.

All in due time.

In other news, my Lyme seems to be flaring.  Perfect.  I get this awful generalized itching all over my body that literally wakes me up in the middle of the night because it is so bad.  I am on the verge of pursuing acupuncture because traditional doctors never seem to know how to handle my health issues.  I should just make an appointment now.  I need a swift kick in the ass.

An Introduction

Hi.  I'm Brandi.  And as you can tell from my blog title, my biological clock snuck up on me.

I'm 31 years old, happily married to my 33 year old DH (known from this point forward as "P") for the past 4.5 years.  We've been together for 9 years altogether.  Until approximately 2 years ago, we were convinced that we did not want children.  I don't remember the exact point when we changed our minds.  The reason why we changed our minds, however, is because we want to share our love with a child (or children) who can then grow and share it with others.  Sappy?  Maybe.  True?  Definitely.

We were living overseas at the time that we decided we wanted a child, so we chose to wait until we moved back to the U.S. before trying.  While overseas, I had some health issues crop up and after an inordinate amount of testing, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease.  I don't remember being bitten by a tick, but the disease is relatively widespread in the area in which we lived.  Before going through a 3 week course of daily IV antibiotics, my doctor also discovered that my hormone levels were completely unbalanced.  She took me off birth control pills in November 2007, after I had been on them for nearly 15 years.

Once P and I were safely together back in the U.S., we decided it was the right time to TTC.  I was full of hope because I had been charting for a good 6 months, and I tried to ignore the fact that my cycles were very irregular.  After all, I'd heard and read that it could take up to a year post-BCP for my cycles to regulate.  

As we began our TTC journey, I started to lose quite a bit of hair.  Not enough that I had bald spots or anything, but it was noticeable to me because I've always had thick, shiny hair.  Suddenly it was thinning, weak and dull.  My hairstylist mentioned it to me, but I didn't want to own up to it.  My hair did start growing back after a couple months, and now I have these ridiculous baby hairs that make it quite a challenge to style my hair (which I had cut much shorter after the hair shedding incident).

After 7 months (5 cycles) of well timed sex and no BFP, I was becoming discouraged.  I went to the OB/GYN last month for my annual check-up and mentioned the situation to her.  I was shocked when she took me seriously and ordered blood work!  She wrote a script for the cycle day 3 FSH, estradiol and progesterone, as well as TSH, glucose, insulin, etc.  I've had an enlarged thyroid and borderline test results for TSH and glucose/insulin in the past, so she's going to monitor that.  She doubts that the hair loss was caused by coming off BCP.

She also gave me the following information: 90% of couples who chart cycles/time sex become pregnant within 6 months, and 98% are successful within a full year.  So while I thought I'd have to wait until May (one full year of trying) to have any testing done, she doesn't feel that is necessary given my medical history, the fact that I appear to be ovulating but still have irregular cycles,  and the fact that we've been timing sex.

And that is our TTC journey in a nut shell!

Right now, I am 5 DPO according to FF (I'm not sure that I agree, however).  I am not holding out much hope for this cycle because it doesn't appear that we did the best job timing sex this time.  I sometimes get ambiguous readings on OPKs, and my CM and CP don't always match what my temps are doing.  That said, I have been eating pineapple (core included) since 2 DPO - just in case.  

FF shows my test date as January 23rd, but I really dread seeing another BFN, so I will probably wait beyond that unless AF shows.  And if AF does show, then I will be able to get my CD 3 blood work done.  There's always a silver lining, right?  :)