tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76248998969685747852024-03-13T15:21:06.087-04:00Nobody Warned Me that TTC Would Suck HardcoreThe ramblings of a thirty something girl whose biological clock finally kicked in, then realized that getting knocked up is not as easy as they say it is in health class.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.comBlogger69125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-25724562481789243342010-02-04T15:32:00.004-05:002010-02-04T15:56:16.605-05:00Is Anybody Out There?Wow. I almost completely forgot about this blog. Seriously.<br /><br />The reason I've neglected it so? I have ZERO to report on the baby front. Absolutely zero.<br /><br />We did confirm that P's testosterone levels are low. He started testosterone supplements. He's on thyroid replacement therapy for his underactive thyroid. We saw an endocrinologist who then took him OFF the testosterone because he said it was contradictory to our quest to get pregnant.<br /><br />And then... P. had a stroke. My 33 year old husband had a STROKE.<br /><br />This is not something I would have expected, of course. And it happened while I was out of town on business. (I'll live with that strange guilt the rest of my life.) <br /><br />This happened in October. He's been through a bazillion tests since. Turns out he has a hole in his heart. He's actually having surgery to close it in 2 weeks, which is good.<br /><br />But all thoughts of having a child have obviously fallen by the wayside in light of all this. And honestly, I've pretty much given up on the prospect. I know that sounds depressing and all...and I suppose it really is. I've been filling my time with other pursuits, which makes all of that easier to forget. But I realize I'm probably causing myself some future mental anguish, and I probably should get my rear to some sort of therapy. I suppose.<br /><br />Or maybe I'm really OK with everything? Who knows? All that really matters at this point is getting P. healthy. Hopefully we can accomplish that this year.<br /><br />Before I popped in here to type, I quickly checked some of the IF blogs I used to read diligently. (Gawd, I haven't logged into The Nest/TTTC board in a million years.) I'm so sad to see there isn't a whole lot of good news out there. I really hope that everyone out there gets what they want. Truly. We all deserve it. Good luck to you all!<br /><br />Can't promise I'll post again anytime real soon, but at least my memory has returned as far as recognizing that I have this blog out here. :-)aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-24250280403943514152009-08-13T18:53:00.003-04:002009-08-13T18:59:15.978-04:00It's Been a WhileWow...I honestly didn't realize how long it's been since I posted. I did sort of go into a bit of a depression over everything, and even stopped updating my IRL blog for a bit.<br /><br />But, today is a new day. We're dealing with all that's going on, I suppose. As best as anyone in this situation can be expected to deal, anyway.<br /><br />There has been more "excitement" in our IF world since I last posted. P. saw the urologist and received confirmation that he has a varicocele. He doesn't necessarily recommend surgery, which is probably good considering P. passes out at the mere sight of a needle (OK, I'm exaggerating a bit here).<br /><br />And then the urologist decided to draw P.'s hormone levels when I pointed out that nobody has looked at them. It seemed to be a last-ditch, make-the-wife-happy sort of thing. And though we don't have official results yet, the office did call P. and insisted that he come back in to talk to the doctor. They wouldn't tell him the results over the phone.<br /><br />I've had enough experience with this sort of crap to know that means something is "off" in his levels. So right now I am holding out a smidgen of hope that there may be something the doctor can give us that will help even a little bit. I can't let go of the tiny shreds of hope that I find here and there. I just can't.<br /><br />More soon.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-83103882490356358042009-07-09T07:50:00.004-04:002009-07-09T07:57:45.703-04:00Facebook Strikes AgainThis morning I found out that we'll have a nephew in December. Thanks to my sister's sister-in-law who announced it in her FB status.<br /><br />I wonder if my sister hasn't called me about this because of the solemn nature of the news that P. and I received this week?<br /><br />I told my parents about it (our bad news) last night, over the phone. I cried for the first time since our RE appointment. And when it started, it came out for about 2 hours. I tried not to do it in front of P., but I failed.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-55805124041195836172009-07-07T13:13:00.003-04:002009-07-07T13:58:42.989-04:00Severe MFIAnd there it is, we have the Dx that we were hoping not to have. :(<br /><br />I'm still pretty numb, even though I had fully prepared myself for bad news. The counts were SO much lower than I was expecting, though; I was really thinking they would be borderline. P. had a hernia when he was born and had surgery within days of birth. Come to find out, this is probably the very thing that has caused his IF.<br /><br />So what's next? Our RE basically said there is no point in trying anything other than IVF w/ICSI. He gave us a chance of less than 5% with IUI, and 65% with IVF and ICSI. <br /><br />I just don't know for sure how I feel about IVF yet. More than anything, I just can't imagine how amplified the emotional roller coaster would be once we cross that line. When not only are you praying for a BFP, but you're spending thousands of dollars and investing hours into monitoring appointments and self injections.<br /><br />Am I strong enough for all of this?<br /><br />If we do it, I am leaning toward a split donation cycle -- where I would donate half my eggs during our IVF cycle. This would reduce the cost by half, but more importantly it would enable me to help someone else. And quite honestly, I'm pretty sure there is no way that I could handle more than one cycle of IVF. Not only would we be spending money that could be saved toward adoption (down the road), but I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle everything else involved.<br /><br />Ugh. I really, really hate this. I also hate the fact that P. is calling himself "faulty" and feeling as though all of this is his fault. I know that everything happens for a reason and that God has a greater plan for us, but really? I can't help but think this is so unfair, though it happens to millions of other couples. :( I just wish we all could have it as easy as others!aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-60186215511283981782009-06-30T21:29:00.002-04:002009-06-30T21:47:51.581-04:00RE Office FAILSo I caved and called the RE's office from the airport on Friday, in an attempt to get the results of P.'s second SA. Any guesses as to what transpired?<br /><br />After sitting on hold for a LONG time (well, maybe 5 minutes), the receptionist said <span style="font-style:italic;">in an annoyingly cheerful voice</span>: "The doctor hasn't had a chance to review your results yet. But that's OK; they will be available when you come in for your appointment on the seventh."<br /><br />Me: "Um...but...the tech told my husband to call back <span style="font-style:italic;">yesterday</span> to get the results."<br /><br />Receptionist: "Those results will be ready for your appointment. Have a great weekend!"<br /><br />Argh. So I was all prepared to get some real numbers and do a little research, going to our appointment with a vague clue of what to expect. Instead, we're going in blind.<br /><br />I guess the silver lining is that I won't spend my precious long weekend researching that crap. Instead, I'll probably spend it drunk as a skunk to keep myself from <span style="font-style:italic;">worrying</span> about the upcoming appointment. RE Office FAIL!aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-91039280892813809802009-06-24T22:08:00.003-04:002009-06-24T22:24:42.164-04:00Everything SucksI finished work for the evening just 30 minutes ago, and burst into tears when I realized it was already bed time. This came after crying in public while sitting by myself at a bar (awesome), and a gasping cry while talking to my husband on the phone (during which I burst into fresh tears multiple times).<br /><br />This job has officially robbed me of my sanity, and IF has robbed me of my hope. When you combine the two, there's little left but an empty shell of what used to be a happy, optimistic girl.<br /><br />I'm not quite sure what to do yet. All I know is that I cannot continue on the same path. This is all wrong. Something has to give.<br /><br />Shoot. I just realized that the RE's office said I can call tomorrow for the results of the second SA. Our next consult is scheduled after the 4th of July. Besides the fact that I will probably not have time to call tomorrow, I'm not even sure if I want to know the results before we talk to the doctor. It might just stress me out more. I don't know. What would you do?aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-30861044940275139082009-06-17T08:01:00.004-04:002009-06-17T08:14:25.551-04:00I Just Realized......that with my travel schedule for work this summer - and our big vacation for our 5th anniversary in August/September - that if the RE wants to start cycling us, we won't really be able to start until <span style="font-weight:bold;">October</span>. October?! Noooooo!!!<br /><br />Let me tell you, I am NOT a patient person. Infertility is definitely NOT for impatient, Type A personalities like myself. :(<br /><br />I don't know. When we go back for our 2nd consult and "game plan" appointment with the RE (likely right before or after 4th of July), I'll have to bring my planner so we can discuss my crazy schedule. Maybe he can start me on Clomid and P. and I can <span style="font-style:italic;">attempt</span> TI (though it's kind of hard to get TI right when the two partners will be separated often!). But then again, even with Clomid I'd need to be around for monitoring, wouldn't I?<br /><br />Argh. I am so frustrated with my travel schedule right now. And I am so worried that when we go back to the RE, he's going to tell us IVF is our only option anyway. I so need to stop stressing over things that I simply can't control (easier said than done!).<br /><br />Anyway. In other news, I had a serious talk with my manager yesterday. I told her all the things that I see as "going awry" in our organization, why I am hating work, the fact that I had to go on anti-anxiety meds, and eventually told her I'd give this job until the end of July. That's when I will make an assessment as to whether I can stick it out, or if I need to find something else. She was really great about it and took responsibility for poor communication and other issues. She also made concessions to try to help me in the short term. And she assured me she would touch base with a local manager to see if they have a position that might work for me. We'll see if all this comes to fruition or not. This will be one of the litmus tests for my assessment at the end of July.<br /><br />In the meantime, back to the stress of the daily grind. I get to go to southern VA on a business trip next week - lucky me! ::sarcasm:: I guess that's a problem with me living in beautiful, sunny Florida -- I never want to leave. :)<br /><br />OH. And also? Today is CD2. :( Yesterday I woke up with the WORST.CRAMPS.EVER. Compete suckage, I tell you.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-89668157311483992012009-06-14T19:57:00.004-04:002009-06-14T20:12:45.081-04:00BFN...But What Else Did I Expect?I didn't want to get my hopes up. I told myself that the vitamins - and now chiropractic treatment - for P. would likely not result in "super sperm" that would spontaneously impregnate me. But still, I was up early yesterday morning at 10 DPO, peeing in a cup. Not even the <span style="font-style:italic;">hint</span> of a line - not even an evap line after an hour!! But what else is new? Certainly the disappointment, pain, and self-doubt are not. And FF likes to slap me in the face by reducing my "early pregnancy signs" to 12 points. Awesome. Thanks, FF!<br /><br />So what's next? P.'s second SA is on Friday. At which point we need to schedule our next consult with the RE to figure out the plan of action. I'm debating whether or not to schedule this for before or after our long 4th of July weekend, which will be spent with my pregnant sister and brother-in-law. What if we get new that I'm not ready to hear? Then after our visit would be better, I'm thinking. But I hate to push things out even farther. I don't know.<br /><br />I am just terrified that we're going to be advised to proceed directly to IVF w/ICSI. I know this is not necessarily a logical fear given the fact that we still have no clue where P.'s numbers are. I should assume the best, right? How I wish I could, how I wish I could.<br /><br />Anyway. So here I am, 11 DPO with spotting in full force and just waiting for AF to start. The only silver lining I can find is the fact that I seem to have O'd a few days earlier than normal -- ALMOST making a "normal" cycle, in fact. That's a good thing, right? Right? Though, having never received a positive OPK reading...of course I'm wondering if I am, in fact, ovulating? Why do I even let myself worry about this so much? Really, what's the point? I need to just pop my BuSpar and stop thinking about this sh*t.<br /><br />In other news, P. made homemade vanilla ice cream this evening because I wanted it. Does he not completely rock? I love this man, I really do!aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-3341016467249495722009-06-12T15:00:00.003-04:002009-06-12T15:08:05.687-04:00You'd Think I'd Learn......to stop getting my hopes up every cycle. But do I? Of course not. I sit here staring at my FF chart half the day. Temp dip, temp rise... Good signs, right?<br /><br />Ugh. Somebody smack me. Seriously.<br /><br />In other news: my new happy pills are pretty interesting. I take them twice a day. About 45 minutes after taking them, I start feeling this strange combination of floating, sleepiness and calm. It's actually pretty nice. This morning I was on a teleconference in which there were words being exchanged that normally would have sent me over the edge. Today? Nada. I was cool as a cucumber. I remember thinking, "Man, this would normally piss me off to no end." Yet, I didn't have the same reaction as usual. Sweet!<br /><br />Also, my sister "came out" on facebook about her pregnancy yesterday. I had mixed feelings about this. First, most of her friends already knew, so it probably didn't surprise anyone. But the IF part of me had the punch-to-the-gut reaction. Like, "Really? You had to proclaim this on facebook?" I would never admit this to her. ::sigh:: I am pathetic.<br /><br />When's it time for my next dose of BuSpar? :)aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-19471219794540397222009-06-10T17:13:00.003-04:002009-06-10T17:23:28.940-04:00Happy PillsMy doctor ended up prescribing <a href="http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-9036-BuSpar+Oral.aspx?drugid=9036&drugname=BuSpar+Oral">BuSpar</a> to me today, and it is supposed to help with <span style="font-style:italic;">both</span> anxiety and depression. And it's one of the very few medications that is rated category "B" for pregnancy. So there we go. I have my fingers crossed that this will help me get through the days with some happiness again!<br /><br />In other news, my sister is officially in her second trimester! I've debated "announcing" this on my IRL blog ~ she said doesn't care either way. Eh, we'll see. She went off her anxiety and depression meds for her pregnancy, but she says she is dealing with some <span style="font-style:italic;">major</span> depression now. That makes me so sad that she hasn't felt very excited about her pregnancy for quite some time. :( But I totally understand that it must be hard for her, withdrawing from her meds after being on them for YEARS. She's going to talk to her OB about getting back on something safe for pregnancy. Maybe we'll end up on the same meds. Who knows?<br /><br />I honestly think that my sister had a hope tucked away, that she and I would be pregnant at the same time. I would have loved that, too. But as I explained to her, this is not something I can control. :( Oh well.<br /><br />In other news, supposedly today is 7DPO. I feel crampy and dizzy. Fun times.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-11105820489122813282009-06-09T16:32:00.003-04:002009-06-09T16:47:00.753-04:00Seeking Professional HelpI've decided that I need professional help. I'm not ashamed. Between HATING my job to the point where I <span style="font-style:italic;">nearly</span> resigned yesterday, and the whole IF BS...I think it's only normal that I'm having panic attacks and bouts of depression. Well, normal for my genetic makeup, anyway.<br /><br />Let me give you a family run-down. My grandmother is bipolar. My grandfather is clinically depressed. My mom has been clinically depressed and on medication as long as I can remember. And my sister has been diagnosed with anxiety problems. P. also has anxiety issues, but has been off meds since about a year after we started dating.<br /><br />Me? I was diagnosed as clinically depressed about 10 years ago and did a year on Prozac. Loved the way I <span style="font-style:italic;">felt</span> on Prozac, but hated the lethargy and weight gain. Took myself off it and never looked back (kids, don't try this at home -- against all doctor recommendations!).<br /><br />Anyway. So I tried to make an appointment directly with a psychiatrist, but they couldn't get me in until September. WTF?? I have mental issues, but you can't see me until September? I was tempted to embellish my story, but decided that might get me more than I bargained for. So I called my GP and can see them tomorrow. That's good. I need medication, people, and I need it now. I just hope there is something they can give me that will be safe for potential pregnancy. (Potential...argh.)<br /><br />And just so we're clear... I am not the type of person who would automatically resort to medication. That's not me. I've been diligently going to yoga, working out, getting acupuncture, going to church...trying all the great activities that would normally help me through times like this. If I were healthy. But apparently, I'm not healthy right now. So I give in. Because I just can't do it on my own anymore. Feel free to judge or weigh in. I've got no issues with my decision.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-69846775227566359152009-06-05T15:28:00.004-04:002009-06-05T15:45:40.381-04:00Hung.Over.<span style="font-style:italic;">Someone</span> drank a little too much white wine with her fabulous sushi last night. Any guesses as to who might be the culprit? ::sarcasm:: Yeah, the fog is still hanging around my head at 3:30 PM. Oops.<br /><br />Almost every cycle, P. and I go through this ritual of going out for sushi and sashimi "just in case" I get knocked up and won't be able to indulge again for 9 months. Yesterday wasn't really a conscious effort in this department; it just sort of happened. Still, just thinking about the old days of high hopes during each cycle makes me feel a little naive.<br /><br />Anywho. I have no idea if my temp was reliable this morning or not, given: (1) the drinking, and (2) the fact that I woke up around 2:00 and couldn't fall back to sleep (thank you, headache + dehydration). But it was .1 degree higher than yesterday's.<br /><br />In other news, I haven't heard back from the company that interviewed me last week. So I'm guessing I won't be invited back for another interview. In all honesty, it's a management position and I can say pretty confidently that I am OVER management stuff. I haven't even done that much of it, but I hate the managerial responsibilities of my current job immensely.<br /><br />And proof that I have officially gone insane: I enthusiastically applied for a position that pays less than <span style="font-style:italic;">half</span> of what I currently make. But it sounds almost like my dream job. And I've definitely discovered that money doesn't buy happiness. I need a job that helps me stay happy and positive. So there it is. I did receive a personal email response from the hiring manager within a couple hours of emailing my application, resume and cover letter. That's always a good sign.<br /><br />In my fantasy world, I'd be offered a new job next week so I could put in my 2 week notice and NOT have to begin the nightmarish travel schedule demanded of me this summer by my current job. But when do things IRL ever work out like they do in my fantasy world? ::sigh::<br /><br />Hey, at least it's the weekend. I think I'm going to sneak a nap before P. gets home from work. So.Exhausted.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-82707240494707635422009-06-04T07:40:00.003-04:002009-06-04T07:46:57.371-04:00FF Is Still on CrackI'm so over this charting crap. FF and I are both so confused by my body's signals! In fact, FF has reverted back to the faulty logic that I O'd on CD13 (yeah right, like I've ever O'd that early). From the huge temp spike I had this morning and the cramps I had on my right side last night, I would think that I O'd yesterday. But I never got a +OPK.<br /><br />So what gives?<br /><br />I'm so annoyed that I've really put a conscious effort into waking at the same time every morning, yet my chart is no easier to interpret than when I let myself sleep in on the weekends. Ugh. I can't believe I've been charting for over a year and a half now. This totally blows.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_08PoGQQTkNU/SiezuXlkqfI/AAAAAAAAACU/7BzEMggSZZc/s1600-h/chartgraph_module.php.png"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 235px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_08PoGQQTkNU/SiezuXlkqfI/AAAAAAAAACU/7BzEMggSZZc/s320/chartgraph_module.php.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5343437092085344754" /></a><br /><br />And...if I did O yesterday...our timing wasn't the greatest. We were doing the every other day thing really well, until yesterday. I'll just leave it at that, because I really don't want to start another pity party for myself at this point. :(aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-4381876570001752382009-06-02T07:52:00.004-04:002009-06-02T08:04:41.806-04:00The State of my CMBecause I am sure that everyone wants to know!<br /><br />I don't know if it's because I recently had the HSG, or because I've been taking my Evening Primrose Oil supplements religiously...but either way, I've noticed significant improvement in the quality of my CM this month! So with the high hopes that perhaps P.'s vitamins are helping...we've been getting busy every other day in anticipation of ovulation. We're trying to keep it fun and lighthearted (easier said than done), but I already know that I will be dealing with extreme disappointment should I see another BFN this month.<br /><br />Because now I know that each BFN brings me closer and closer to medical intervention that I was so hoping to avoid in this journey.<br /><br />Right now, I'm not ready to give up on the idea that we can do this on our own.<br /><br />By the way, today is CD21. I hope that I O very soon - earlier than usual would be really nice.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-39526123207484669412009-05-29T07:44:00.002-04:002009-05-29T07:56:44.277-04:00Another Punch to the GutI've been anxiously awaiting some correspondence via snail mail for the past couple weeks. I'll save <span style="font-style:italic;">that</span> explanation for another time, but the general idea is important to understand. So yesterday afternoon, despite the fact we were having a torrential downpour, I literally ran out to the mail box after I heard the truck go by.<br /><br />I get back into the house, thoroughly <span style="font-style:italic;">drenched</span>. Yet I tear excitedly through the stack of mail, coming to the last piece in disappointment because what I've been waiting for has not arrived.<br /><br />And what, pray tell, is this last piece of mail? Nothing other than a brochure from Blue Cross/Blue Shield (my health insurance provider) that asks - on the cover, in big bold letters - "<span style="font-weight:bold;">Could a baby be in your future?</span>" And then goes on to explain that as soon as I find out I am pregnant, I should call their advice line to get tips for maintaining a healthy pregnancy.<br /><br />What.the.&%$#?? BC/BS - you guys know better than <span style="font-style:italic;">anyone</span> that I am seeing an RE. Therefore, if you had an iota of common sense and/or sensitivity, you'd realize that sending this propaganda to someone who's experiencing IF <span style="font-style:italic;">might not be the best idea ever</span>. Thanks for further inundating me with pregnant belly overload; as if I don't see cute baby bumps every time I leave the house, now you've made sure the images can penetrate my fortress of solitude. I have nowhere to hide and be alone with my empty ute.<br /><br />::sobs::aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-6542943767789406202009-05-28T09:10:00.002-04:002009-05-28T09:19:59.353-04:00One Interview Down + Crazy TempsI <span style="font-style:italic;">think</span> the interview yesterday went well! Honestly, I was so nervous about the technical requirements of the job description that the thought of canceling the interview seriously entered my mind about two hours before it was scheduled to take place. But I manned up, set my expectations very low, and went in with my chin up. As it turns out, I had <span style="font-style:italic;">nothing</span> to worry about. The hiring manager was very pleased with my background, and he seemed to hint that I'd be called back for the second round of interviews. Part of me is actually a little excited about the prospect of all this, especially considering how the company found me. I mean, you always hear about things that are "meant to be." Could this be one of them? We shall see. I did send out a hand written thank you card today, per proper interviewing etiquette. :)<br /><br />In other news... What.The.%$#&. is going on with my temperatures? Seriously? Now FF is all confused by the fluctuations and has decided that I might have O'd on CD13. Um, FF...I have never, in the history of mankind, O'd that early. Additionally, all I am getting are negative OPKs. And if I did O that early, I'd be screwed (no pun intended) in that we have not gotten busy due to <span style="font-style:italic;">someone</span> not feeling well and/or being tired all the time. ::sigh:: I got P. to the gym twice over the past week, but I need to keep him going so he'll have more energy. I feel like the Energizer Bunny, who apparently married Eeyore. Sheesh.<br /><br />OK, more soon. I'm just looking forward to the weekend at this point!aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-72390102296123837222009-05-24T17:25:00.004-04:002009-05-24T17:37:39.169-04:00OMG - Houston, We Have an Interview!So. Nervous.<br /><br />I have my first in-person interview in <span style="font-style:italic;">years</span> scheduled for Wednesday. It's for a position that I really don't think I qualify for when it comes to technical skills. But the weird thing is, I didn't apply for it. The company's VP for HR found <span style="font-style:italic;">me</span>. Little, incompetent me, of all people. <br /><br />Anyway, I've worked for my company for the past 9 years and haven't interviewed in at least 4. And those interviews 4 years ago were all accomplished over the phone. So I know I am going to be a complete and utter nervous wreck come Wednesday.<br /><br />This job is really more of a management position than I would like, and it's an the same industry, which I'd honestly like to leave. But the location is perfect - actually very near our house. And it has the potential to be far more interesting than my current job, at least. And there most likely would not be an insane amount of travel involved.<br /><br />So, we'll see. I'm not getting my hopes up or anything. But just the fact that I have finally been invited for an interview has immensely improved my self-confidence, and that's something I've been lacking for a long time.<br /><br />in TTC news, my body is confusing me as usual. I had some fertile patches of CM very early in this cycle, but that seems to be gone now. I hate when my body tricks me into believing that maybe, just maybe I will O at a decent time for once. Argh.<br /><br />Anyway, that's it for now. I've got prosecco chilling and I think I'm going to pop it open and go to town. A girl needs to forget her woes now and then. Happy Memorial Day, everyone!aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-18471308780925856752009-05-20T16:32:00.003-04:002009-05-20T16:41:39.564-04:00Must Find New Job ImmediatelyNo, I didn't get laid off. Things were really shaky on my project for the past 3 weeks, but word on the street is that we officially have "authority to proceed" with work at this point. Of course, when you seriously dislike your job, this isn't necessarily great news.<br /><br />But the reason I have revamped my resume (yet again) and have been applying for positions like a crazy woman is because now that the project is starting, the ridiculous business travel schedule is coming out. And it appears that I would be out of town not only during O for this cycle, but also for <span style="font-style:italic;">next</span> cycle.<br /><br />Are you effing kidding me? Right after my HSG, when the RE told us to really try to get things done naturally post-tube flushing??<br /><br />And not only that, but fast forward a few months (should we not be successful naturally) & imagine we have to begin cycling. How the &%$# am I supposed to go in constantly for monitoring appointments - never mind insemination or retrieval/transfer or whatever - when I can get sent places at the drop of a hat?<br /><br />This just isn't going to work. I <span style="font-style:italic;">must</span> find a new job. For our marriage, my sanity, and any shot we have at procreating. So let the search begin (or continue, as it were). Please, please, PLEASE come through for me, Lord!<br /><br />In other news, my sister texted me and saw the babe during the u/s! I am waiting for her to call and tell me everything. She's been extremely sick for about the past week, but she's smart enough that she hasn't complained about it <span style="font-style:italic;">that</span> much to me. :)aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-38023935886270046292009-05-19T07:02:00.003-04:002009-05-20T16:53:09.615-04:00Make it Stop!Oh.my.God. I woke up this morning feeling <span style="font-style:italic;">extremely</span> sick to my stomach. At first, I thought it was just cramps & tried to go back to sleep. Once I got up, I realized I felt nauseated, yet strangely hungry at the same time. So I ate a few cookies (breakfast of champions?). And now I feel like the room is spinning.<br /><br />Ugh. I'm not sure if this is some after-effect of yesterday's medical festival, or the ice cream in which I indulged. It's probably the latter, but I'll blame it on the former.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-22286196188117912572009-05-18T18:36:00.004-04:002009-05-19T07:06:11.612-04:00All Clear!Wow, the HSG today ended up going <span style="font-style:italic;">much</span> better than I expected, for the most part! The part that surprised me: the "pain" was really no more uncomfortable than a regular pap. ::sigh of relief:: <br /><br />The only complication, per se, was the fact that the doc was having a hard time inserting the catheter all the way! He tried one, started the dye, and it started pouring out on the table. So he switched to another catheter; same thing happened. As you can imagine, I was getting <span style="font-style:italic;">really</span> nervous at this point. I could feel my legs shaking. Then when the doc asked, "Are you sure you've never had an abnormal pap?" - I almost passed out because I was certain that I had some major structural deformity.<br /><br />But the third time was the charm. I watched on the screen as the dye slowly started filling my ute and then trickling out my tubes! My doc said he was sending "extra dye through" to help clear everything, and he mentioned how this helps boost fertility. So I guess we can hope that the vitamins will help P. & the HSG will help me! My cycles will still be wacky, of course, but we can always hope.<br /><br />Speaking of vitamins, I saw my acupuncture doc this afternoon & he had me pick up some Wheat Germ Oil to add to P.'s regimen; apparently it packs a powerful combo of selenium and vitamin E.<br /><br />After P. & I left the RE's office, we went out for lunch. We were hoping to hit up a German restaurant in the area, but it wasn't open for lunch today. :( But that's OK - we found a new Greek place and had yummy meals. And then we hit up Coldstone Creamery so I could pack on a couple extra pounds! I got the Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip and went overboard with a medium size cup, but boy was it fantastic! I totally didn't *need* it, but it was a comforting consolation prize for having to go through such a crazy procedure as that HSG. I wasn't going to back down on my demands for ice cream even though the procedure didn't really hurt. I'm not completely lacking in common sense! :P<br /><br />Update: I started feeling some cramping about 5 hours after my HSG and popped another Rx Naproxen. It's sort of knocking out the cramping, but not totally. It's not horrible, just enough to be annoying. And I am sooooo sleepy, probably from getting so worked up over the whole thing today. So while I should be going to an exercise class in which I am enrolled, I think I'm going to stay home and relax tonight. That's something I don't do enough of anyway.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-42848860661879697502009-05-16T06:46:00.002-04:002009-05-16T06:54:23.723-04:00Proud of Myself: 3 Columns!I am proud of myself for one thing, Internet: I converted the blizz-og to a 3 column format!! Woot! I couldn't have done it without <a href="http://www.thebeginnersbloggingguide.com/2008/05/step-2-converting-blogger-minima.html"><span style="font-weight:bold;">this helpful link</span></a> that <a href="http://imasouthernbelle.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-weight:bold;">JLT</span></a> provided on her blog recently. <br /><br />I was having problems applying a cute template until I downloaded the image, resized it, uploaded and reapplied...but I found that I actually like it better when the sizing is wrong. So if you think my birdies on the side look weird because they're cut off...yeah, the sizing is wrong, but it's a LOT easier to read my text without all the graphics in the way. And I still get a little glimpse of some cute little birds. That's how I like it, so that's how it's gonna stay for now. My blog, my rules. :)<br /><br />Now I just need to find the time to convert my IRL blog & I will be very proud of my accomplishments for once!aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-54622679834982564272009-05-15T08:13:00.003-04:002009-05-15T08:25:34.861-04:00%*#$ You, Jim & Pam!Let me preface this by saying that I <span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">love</span></span> The Office. It is the only show on television that I watch regularly, because I am just not that big of a TV watcher quite honestly. Sometimes I'll start watching a show, but then I get bored and end up on the Internet and realize that I didn't pay any attention to what was on TV. But that never happens with The Office; the Macbook stays firmly shut from 9:00 - 9:30 PM on Thursdays!<br /><br />So during last night's episode, when the Corporate volleyball team insisted Pam go to the hospital to get her ankle checked out...I knew something was up. I'm just awesome like that. :P And then when the nurse asked her if there was any chance she could be pregnant, and Pam brushed it off...well, I knew what was coming, but it was like everything started happening in slow motion and I couldn't stop watching. It was like a train wreck, except the "wreck" part of it was simply the projection of what's going on in <span style="font-style:italic;">my</span> life.<br /><br />Yes, Internet, I know it's just a TV show. But still, watching Jim's excited reaction when Pam broke the good news... It was like someone had kicked me in the stomach. P., who was lying next to me, thought he was clever when he stated, "Oh, she's pregnant!" I gave him some rude and flippant response about how - duh! - I'd seen that coming from a mile away. And then I promptly rolled my back toward the TV and tried to go to sleep for about an hour and a half.<br /><br />The fact that a TV show could get me that worked up? <span style="font-style:italic;">Pathetic!</span> Ugh. I do not want to be <span style="font-style:italic;">that</span> person. Maybe I do need a swift kick to the stomach. Or about 10 shots of Patron. Either way.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-6552487855903587252009-05-14T07:51:00.004-04:002009-05-14T10:21:06.643-04:00Confessions#1: The tone of this blog is quite a bit different from my "IRL" blog (link in right-hand column). I've come to realize that I am much more negative in this blog due to the nature of the content. However, I hope to begin changing that & posting in a more authentic "voice." I promise to start working on that.<br /><br />#2: I am terrified of the upcoming HSG. My period started full force on Tuesday night, so I called the RE's office yesterday morning, and they scheduled my HSG for Monday morning! EEK! My sister works in radiology & has sat in on these procedures, and she assures me I'll be <span style="font-style:italic;">fine</span>. I have to admit that some of my fear was relieved when I found out that our RE will actually perform the procedure, so that's good. But still, I fear that I will pass out from pain right on the table. And then our RE will know exactly what a wimp I am, possibly deciding right then and there that I am NOT strong enough to handle anything beyond TI. :P OK, maybe not. I'm sure it will all be fine. <span style="font-style:italic;">Right???</span><br /><br />#3: My sister's first ultrasound is next week. I have to admit a tiny pinch of hurt at the fact that our "schedules" are so aligned - as in, she sees the OB right around the same times I see the RE. BUT, I am very excited to hear how the u/s goes and how she feels when she hears the heartbeat, etc.! :)<br /><br />**Edited to Add (ETA): I forgot to say that P. is absolutely fantastic! Without me even asking, he took Monday off to be with me for the HSG. And he said we'd get ice cream afterwards. ::sigh:: Sometimes I forget how truly lucky I am! And despite the difficulties of this whole IF thing, it seems to be bringing us even closer together. I need to keep this feeling close during the dark times!aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-58829351058067572312009-05-12T15:52:00.002-04:002009-05-12T16:06:49.209-04:00First RE Appt.Today P. and I went to our very first "couple" doctor's appointment and met our RE. We like him, so that's one big hurdle down! He was very personable and seemed to be thorough, though I was surprised that he didn't lecture us on decreasing caffeine intake or anything like that. (Though I have to admit I am secretly glad, as I was planning on cutting out the coffee cold turkey; now I've decided I will limit myself to one cup per day.) <br /><br />The <span style="font-style:italic;">big</span> disappointment for me was the fact that, despite my OB's office swearing they sent my records over, the doctor did not have my previous records. Which means we still don't have the exact #'s from P's SA. Maybe I will just call and get the actual #'s tomorrow for my own sanity. I was really hoping for some sort of analysis of those #'s. The RE wrote a script for a vitamin for P. to take, and he's to take 50 mg of zinc daily. The hope is that these two things will help boost his count and motility. So he takes these for a month and then he'll repeat his SA. This time he can do it at home and either of us can drop it off at the RE's office, which is a big relief also!<br /><br />As for me, he did a quick internal after our consultation to obtain a sample of CM for analysis. Not sure if they're trying to determine if it's hostile or what. My period is about to start any time now, so of course I was spotting for the internal. Oh well. As soon as my period starts, I am to call and schedule the dreaded HSG! I'm nervous about having it done, but I know it will be helpful. He already wrote the script for a painkiller and antibiotic for me to take in conjunction with the procedure. The office is very well organized, so that gives me some peace of mind!<br /><br />And that's about it for now. Once we have completed the next SA and my HSG, we'll go back in to see what the next steps are. Our RE's hope is P.'s SA will improve, he'll be able to regulate my cycles with drugs, and we'll be able to do this with timed intercourse. Of course, he did warn that if P's numbers are severely low, IVF might be our only option. I am just praying that is not the case...<br /><br />So overall, I'd classify today as a success.<br /><br />And my final note: FF is on so much crack, it's insane! It has changed my crosshairs back and forth at least 6 times over the past week. I'm still not convinced I ovulated at all. Whatever...aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7624899896968574785.post-13464281625141586652009-05-10T16:30:00.005-04:002009-05-10T16:38:11.557-04:00TrepidationConfession: I am <span style="font-style:italic;">beyond</span> nervous about the RE appointment on Tuesday. I am so afraid that he is going to tell us the SA #'s are so low that IVF is our only option. I know I am not being reasonable by allowing this line of thinking to take place, but yet here I am. <br /><br />Perhaps I've freaked myself out by reading 3 books about IF in the past week? Yet somehow, I don't think that arming myself with information is a bad thing. What bothers me is the fact that I still have no clue what I think about IVF for us. I know we would be mostly OOP (out of pocket) for that & despite our good salaries, I'm just not sure about the financial and emotional strain of such a prospect.<br /><br />I need to stop thinking about it and just get through the darn appointment!<br /><br />I also plan on discussing stress/anxiety with the RE. Because between this IF BS and the hell that is my job, I seriously don't think I can continue making it through the days without medication. I am being 100% serious here. I eat clean, work out, do yoga and relaxation exercises, and <span style="font-style:italic;">still</span> I am an emotional wreck. This is not good.<br /><br />OK...T-minus 41 hours until we meet with the RE. I can make it...<br /><br />Also - FF is on crack. I did not ovulate when it thinks I did. I also have no idea when AF will show up due to this fact.aphrodite2http://www.blogger.com/profile/17811419732504094814noreply@blogger.com0