The State of my CM

Because I am sure that everyone wants to know!

I don't know if it's because I recently had the HSG, or because I've been taking my Evening Primrose Oil supplements religiously...but either way, I've noticed significant improvement in the quality of my CM this month! So with the high hopes that perhaps P.'s vitamins are helping...we've been getting busy every other day in anticipation of ovulation. We're trying to keep it fun and lighthearted (easier said than done), but I already know that I will be dealing with extreme disappointment should I see another BFN this month.

Because now I know that each BFN brings me closer and closer to medical intervention that I was so hoping to avoid in this journey.

Right now, I'm not ready to give up on the idea that we can do this on our own.

By the way, today is CD21. I hope that I O very soon - earlier than usual would be really nice.

Always Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

Right now I am waiting for P. to come home from his overseas business trip. He is currently scheduled to come home on Saturday, but they're having a meeting today to see whether or not they'll have to stay longer. Ugh. So I'm also waiting to hear from him on his schedule.

I'm also waiting to see if I O'd or not. I got a +OPK on Saturday, which was thrilling because I haven't been checking very diligently. I did not get EWCM, but I think I had some watery CM. But I totally screwed myself by staying up late & waking up late this weekend, so now I'm not sure if that affected my temps. Yesterday it was relatively high, so I thought maybe I'd O'd on Saturday, but this morning it was much lower. So maybe I'll O today? I don't know. And I really don't know why I am so obsessed because P. isn't here, there's been no sex, and oh by the way - apparently his swimmers won't be able to do the job right now anyway. Darn. :(

And of course I am waiting, not so patiently, for our RE appointment next month. I just got the paperwork from the doc's office in the mail and it is insane! We have to fill our about 10 pages of information. It will totally be worth it, of course, but I know getting P.'s family health history will probably be like pulling teeth. I am seriously on the verge of spilling our troubles to his mom. This would ease my ability to get health info without having to beat around the bush. And besides, I love my MIL to death and her support would be great. I haven't mentioned this to P. yet, but I would definitely ask him before I say anything.

In the midst of all this waiting, I've decided to educate myself a bit more on the whole IF thing. I actually went to the library yesterday, for the first time in years! (I spend WAY too much $$$ on books as it is, so I've drawn the line.) I am currently reading "The Male Biological Clock" by Harry Fisch, a leading urologist who specializes in IF. It's very informative for me! I just want to make sure that I have a clue about the background info before we meet with the RE so I can ask intelligent questions and ensure we don't get pushed into anything too quickly. I'm really trying to stay positive when it comes to thinking we might be able to do this naturally...but it's not always easy!

Anyway, that's all my news for today. Here's wishing everyone much more patience than I seem to possess! :)

Eff My Life

I am in such a foul mood today. First of all, I dropped P. off at the airport for his 2 week, overseas business trip. Bah. This took place after this morning's ginormously failed attempt at lovin'. I've been enthusiastically checking my CM in the hopes of an earlier - or even normal (!!!) - ovulation due to my supplements or whatever. But as usual, it's been pretty pathetic. So anyway, I sorta forgot about this when we were about to get it on this morning... Imagine my, er, embarrassment when I had nothing going on down there. So to remedy the situation, I ran to the bathroom to apply my trusty Pre-seed. Real spontaneous, romantic and fun - right? By the time I got back to bed, P. had apparently lost the urge.

So now he's gone for 2 weeks, I didn't get any, and I ended up having an emotional breakdown in the bedroom this morning thanks to this. It wasn't even going to be baby-making sex, for crying out loud! It should have just been fun! But no, I've come to find out this whole stupid TTC crap bleeds over into every aspect of our sex life, and the pressure is freaking unbearable. I am so bitter that we're going through all this while so many couples don't ever have to bother with temping, CM & CP checking, pineapple, supplements, Pre-Seed, green tea, OPKs....forever and ever, effing amen.

So Eff My Life. That's all I have to say.

By the time I start my next cycle, it will have been a year since we started TTC. The dreaded year. And to think of the hopefulness we started out with. It seems so ridiculous now.

And to add insult to freaking injury... I just got in from walking the dogs, and a little girl asked why I wouldn't let her pet my male dog. I told her it's because he's very protective of me (which is true, but honestly he seems to hate most kids and would like to chase them). She asked, "Do you have kids?" I said no. She said, "Oh! It's probably because he's never been around kids then."

The fact that a 7 or 8 year-old kid can make me come home and bawl like a baby? Absolutely pathetic.

Like I said, Eff. My. Life.

ETA: I am glad that I have copious amounts of wine chilling in the fridge right now. I think I deserve at least a glass or two and a nice hot bath. Heck, it seems like I'm always trying to console myself lately. I hate how frequent my pity parties have become.