Everything Sucks

I finished work for the evening just 30 minutes ago, and burst into tears when I realized it was already bed time. This came after crying in public while sitting by myself at a bar (awesome), and a gasping cry while talking to my husband on the phone (during which I burst into fresh tears multiple times).

This job has officially robbed me of my sanity, and IF has robbed me of my hope. When you combine the two, there's little left but an empty shell of what used to be a happy, optimistic girl.

I'm not quite sure what to do yet. All I know is that I cannot continue on the same path. This is all wrong. Something has to give.

Shoot. I just realized that the RE's office said I can call tomorrow for the results of the second SA. Our next consult is scheduled after the 4th of July. Besides the fact that I will probably not have time to call tomorrow, I'm not even sure if I want to know the results before we talk to the doctor. It might just stress me out more. I don't know. What would you do?

I Just Realized...

...that with my travel schedule for work this summer - and our big vacation for our 5th anniversary in August/September - that if the RE wants to start cycling us, we won't really be able to start until October. October?! Noooooo!!!

Let me tell you, I am NOT a patient person. Infertility is definitely NOT for impatient, Type A personalities like myself. :(

I don't know. When we go back for our 2nd consult and "game plan" appointment with the RE (likely right before or after 4th of July), I'll have to bring my planner so we can discuss my crazy schedule. Maybe he can start me on Clomid and P. and I can attempt TI (though it's kind of hard to get TI right when the two partners will be separated often!). But then again, even with Clomid I'd need to be around for monitoring, wouldn't I?

Argh. I am so frustrated with my travel schedule right now. And I am so worried that when we go back to the RE, he's going to tell us IVF is our only option anyway. I so need to stop stressing over things that I simply can't control (easier said than done!).

Anyway. In other news, I had a serious talk with my manager yesterday. I told her all the things that I see as "going awry" in our organization, why I am hating work, the fact that I had to go on anti-anxiety meds, and eventually told her I'd give this job until the end of July. That's when I will make an assessment as to whether I can stick it out, or if I need to find something else. She was really great about it and took responsibility for poor communication and other issues. She also made concessions to try to help me in the short term. And she assured me she would touch base with a local manager to see if they have a position that might work for me. We'll see if all this comes to fruition or not. This will be one of the litmus tests for my assessment at the end of July.

In the meantime, back to the stress of the daily grind. I get to go to southern VA on a business trip next week - lucky me! ::sarcasm:: I guess that's a problem with me living in beautiful, sunny Florida -- I never want to leave. :)

OH. And also? Today is CD2. :( Yesterday I woke up with the WORST.CRAMPS.EVER. Compete suckage, I tell you.

Seeking Professional Help

I've decided that I need professional help. I'm not ashamed. Between HATING my job to the point where I nearly resigned yesterday, and the whole IF BS...I think it's only normal that I'm having panic attacks and bouts of depression. Well, normal for my genetic makeup, anyway.

Let me give you a family run-down. My grandmother is bipolar. My grandfather is clinically depressed. My mom has been clinically depressed and on medication as long as I can remember. And my sister has been diagnosed with anxiety problems. P. also has anxiety issues, but has been off meds since about a year after we started dating.

Me? I was diagnosed as clinically depressed about 10 years ago and did a year on Prozac. Loved the way I felt on Prozac, but hated the lethargy and weight gain. Took myself off it and never looked back (kids, don't try this at home -- against all doctor recommendations!).

Anyway. So I tried to make an appointment directly with a psychiatrist, but they couldn't get me in until September. WTF?? I have mental issues, but you can't see me until September? I was tempted to embellish my story, but decided that might get me more than I bargained for. So I called my GP and can see them tomorrow. That's good. I need medication, people, and I need it now. I just hope there is something they can give me that will be safe for potential pregnancy. (Potential...argh.)

And just so we're clear... I am not the type of person who would automatically resort to medication. That's not me. I've been diligently going to yoga, working out, getting acupuncture, going to church...trying all the great activities that would normally help me through times like this. If I were healthy. But apparently, I'm not healthy right now. So I give in. Because I just can't do it on my own anymore. Feel free to judge or weigh in. I've got no issues with my decision.

Hung.Over.

Someone drank a little too much white wine with her fabulous sushi last night. Any guesses as to who might be the culprit? ::sarcasm:: Yeah, the fog is still hanging around my head at 3:30 PM. Oops.

Almost every cycle, P. and I go through this ritual of going out for sushi and sashimi "just in case" I get knocked up and won't be able to indulge again for 9 months. Yesterday wasn't really a conscious effort in this department; it just sort of happened. Still, just thinking about the old days of high hopes during each cycle makes me feel a little naive.

Anywho. I have no idea if my temp was reliable this morning or not, given: (1) the drinking, and (2) the fact that I woke up around 2:00 and couldn't fall back to sleep (thank you, headache + dehydration). But it was .1 degree higher than yesterday's.

In other news, I haven't heard back from the company that interviewed me last week. So I'm guessing I won't be invited back for another interview. In all honesty, it's a management position and I can say pretty confidently that I am OVER management stuff. I haven't even done that much of it, but I hate the managerial responsibilities of my current job immensely.

And proof that I have officially gone insane: I enthusiastically applied for a position that pays less than half of what I currently make. But it sounds almost like my dream job. And I've definitely discovered that money doesn't buy happiness. I need a job that helps me stay happy and positive. So there it is. I did receive a personal email response from the hiring manager within a couple hours of emailing my application, resume and cover letter. That's always a good sign.

In my fantasy world, I'd be offered a new job next week so I could put in my 2 week notice and NOT have to begin the nightmarish travel schedule demanded of me this summer by my current job. But when do things IRL ever work out like they do in my fantasy world? ::sigh::

Hey, at least it's the weekend. I think I'm going to sneak a nap before P. gets home from work. So.Exhausted.

One Interview Down + Crazy Temps

I think the interview yesterday went well! Honestly, I was so nervous about the technical requirements of the job description that the thought of canceling the interview seriously entered my mind about two hours before it was scheduled to take place. But I manned up, set my expectations very low, and went in with my chin up. As it turns out, I had nothing to worry about. The hiring manager was very pleased with my background, and he seemed to hint that I'd be called back for the second round of interviews. Part of me is actually a little excited about the prospect of all this, especially considering how the company found me. I mean, you always hear about things that are "meant to be." Could this be one of them? We shall see. I did send out a hand written thank you card today, per proper interviewing etiquette. :)

In other news... What.The.%$#&. is going on with my temperatures? Seriously? Now FF is all confused by the fluctuations and has decided that I might have O'd on CD13. Um, FF...I have never, in the history of mankind, O'd that early. Additionally, all I am getting are negative OPKs. And if I did O that early, I'd be screwed (no pun intended) in that we have not gotten busy due to someone not feeling well and/or being tired all the time. ::sigh:: I got P. to the gym twice over the past week, but I need to keep him going so he'll have more energy. I feel like the Energizer Bunny, who apparently married Eeyore. Sheesh.

OK, more soon. I'm just looking forward to the weekend at this point!

OMG - Houston, We Have an Interview!

So. Nervous.

I have my first in-person interview in years scheduled for Wednesday. It's for a position that I really don't think I qualify for when it comes to technical skills. But the weird thing is, I didn't apply for it. The company's VP for HR found me. Little, incompetent me, of all people.

Anyway, I've worked for my company for the past 9 years and haven't interviewed in at least 4. And those interviews 4 years ago were all accomplished over the phone. So I know I am going to be a complete and utter nervous wreck come Wednesday.

This job is really more of a management position than I would like, and it's an the same industry, which I'd honestly like to leave. But the location is perfect - actually very near our house. And it has the potential to be far more interesting than my current job, at least. And there most likely would not be an insane amount of travel involved.

So, we'll see. I'm not getting my hopes up or anything. But just the fact that I have finally been invited for an interview has immensely improved my self-confidence, and that's something I've been lacking for a long time.

in TTC news, my body is confusing me as usual. I had some fertile patches of CM very early in this cycle, but that seems to be gone now. I hate when my body tricks me into believing that maybe, just maybe I will O at a decent time for once. Argh.

Anyway, that's it for now. I've got prosecco chilling and I think I'm going to pop it open and go to town. A girl needs to forget her woes now and then. Happy Memorial Day, everyone!

Must Find New Job Immediately

No, I didn't get laid off. Things were really shaky on my project for the past 3 weeks, but word on the street is that we officially have "authority to proceed" with work at this point. Of course, when you seriously dislike your job, this isn't necessarily great news.

But the reason I have revamped my resume (yet again) and have been applying for positions like a crazy woman is because now that the project is starting, the ridiculous business travel schedule is coming out. And it appears that I would be out of town not only during O for this cycle, but also for next cycle.

Are you effing kidding me? Right after my HSG, when the RE told us to really try to get things done naturally post-tube flushing??

And not only that, but fast forward a few months (should we not be successful naturally) & imagine we have to begin cycling. How the &%$# am I supposed to go in constantly for monitoring appointments - never mind insemination or retrieval/transfer or whatever - when I can get sent places at the drop of a hat?

This just isn't going to work. I must find a new job. For our marriage, my sanity, and any shot we have at procreating. So let the search begin (or continue, as it were). Please, please, PLEASE come through for me, Lord!

In other news, my sister texted me and saw the babe during the u/s! I am waiting for her to call and tell me everything. She's been extremely sick for about the past week, but she's smart enough that she hasn't complained about it that much to me. :)

Ugh

I am just feeling so blah right now. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm in the midst of what's going to be either a very long cycle, or an annovulatory one. Plus, my skin went completely psycho about 3 days ago and I have zits absolutely everywhere. I normally break out right around O and again when PMSing (isn't life grand), but it's a real b*tch when O is delayed or doesn't come at all. It's like my body decides to kick me while I'm down. Lovely.

And because my life is full of craptastic news lately: my job is now in jeopardy. Sort of. I can't complain too much because my employer is really good about preventing layoffs, and management does everything possible to move people to new projects. So now my manager is working with another manager to try to get me on another project - at least temporarily. It's a project that I really had no desire to be a part of, but considering the fact that my salary is equal to P.'s...well, I simply can't afford to be picky at this point.

I hope it gets resolved soon because my current project only has funding for me through today. Then I have to use all my accrued vacation time next week. After that, I don't know where it leaves me. You can bet your bottom dollar I will be spending my extra time next week madly applying for other jobs...but given the fact that I've yet to even be called for an interview for any of the multitudes of jobs I've applied for over the past six months...yeah, not looking so good.

::sigh::

When it rains, it really pours.

Just had to vent a little. I don't discuss my job in my "real life" blog, so I felt this was as good a place to vent as any other!

CD 3

And for some reason, I already feel like this cycle will be a waste of time. Have I completely lost faith and hope? What is wrong with me? And why am I so irritated lately? I hate my job again and it's just affecting me all.the.time! Ugh. And P. hasn't even begun planning for his SA, which is pretty much pissing me off as well.

I need to get out of this funk - fast!

Ugh

So my stomach problems seem to be the result of intestinal parasites. Disgusting, no? No idea when or where I picked these up. Stupid amoebas! I am taking two heavy duty medicines to eradicate these little jerks, and the meds are seriously kicking my butt. Not only do I have a constant, bad headache, but I also have lovely stomach cramps. Awesome. 19 more days of this crap. Oh, and no drinking while I am on the meds. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Work is also kicking my butt. Constantly changing travel schedules, plus more work than I can possibly accomplish within the given deadlines. I'm really trying not to stress out about it, but that's especially difficult given the fact that P. is about to go on business travel for 3 - 4 weeks. And I will probably be leaving for my travel right as he returns. And we are definitely going to miss my fertile time this cycle. Double ugh.

I told him I need him to get his SA done as soon as he gets back, because at that point we will be dangerously close to the one year mark. And I want to get his stuff figured out so we know if we're dealing with a problem on his side, or if I need some internal diagnostics. My acupuncture doc wants to start me on an herb after I'm done with this stupid anti-parasite medicine to help with the fluctuating temps and possible progesterone issue in my LP. He says all signs point to a "liver qi" insufficiency. So we'll see.

More soon.