Monday, April 13, 2009

The Inevitable

I mentioned probably 3 to 4 weeks ago that my sister and brother-in-law decided to TTC this month. And I also mentioned that I'd have to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable situation in which they would immediately see a positive pregnancy test.

But despite my will to mentally prepare myself, I was so caught off guard and mentally UNprepared for the good news yesterday: they are, in fact, expecting! And I was the first person she told, which of course makes me feel special (though I would have expected this anyway!). I felt such a rush of emotions - the excitement she must feel, the wonder of what happens next...and the inevitable sorrow for my own situation.

So as I asked about her symptoms and when she was going to call her OB, tears silently streamed down my face. I imagined how happy my parents are going to be when they hear the news, and I selfishly thought about how that was supposed to be ME giving them the surprise of expecting their first grandchild.

I feel so ashamed of my emotions, and yet I know they are "normal." There is no reason that feeling sorry for myself has to interfere with my joy for my sister. And yet I still feel guilty for feeling this way.

All this, after a crap-tacular week as it was. I've been absolutely hating my job the past few weeks. Everything is always in limbo. I was supposed to start traveling extensively for work mid-February, but things have slipped every week since. Which may not sound that bad until you think about how the heck I'm supposed to plan anything. And now it appears my travel may start the first week of May, when I have a fun exercise class (8 week session that I paid a pretty penny for) starting & we're supposed to go visit the in-laws for a long weekend. After receiving a promotion to my previous supervisor's position - being assured they were going to hire someone to replace me - they've now told me they're not filling my old position. Translation? I now have to do 2 jobs. Fantastic. Especially considering I hated the first job & am finding this one to be little improvement.

So I've been spending years trying to figure out what it is I really want to do. I came up with 3 options that I know would make me happy just this past week. The problem? Each would require about 3 years of school full time. (And I already have 2 Master's degrees because I am a nerd with no life.) Considering how much I make at my previous job & the fact that P. and I make equal salaries, I just don't know how we could swing it. Especially if we ever do get successful as becoming KTFU. I had decided to go ahead and take a pre-req class at the community college this summer term & was really excited about it -- until I found out I won't be considered in-state for tuition until Fall term. And it would seriously take me 1.5 - 2 years to finish just the pre-req courses if I only take one at a time while working full time.


Add to that the fact that I finished our taxes this weekend and realized we owe thousands of dollars thanks to P. working overseas half the year, making considerably more than usual.

I know, I know - all I'm doing is whining & I'm annoying even myself. Right after Easter, no less - when we just celebrated the hope in His rising. I just need to accept the fact that when it rains, it pours. That's all there is to it. All I can do is press on. And try to do so with a smile.

In other news, P. immediately made an appointment to have his SA done this week - after he had to console me to stop my uncontrollable sobbing after we got home yesterday. He really is my rock & I don't know what I'd do without him. So hopefully we'll have the results in a couple weeks. Just in time for our one year anniversary of TTC. I guess I'll wait and see the results before deciding what to do should the results be normal. And in the meantime, I will do my best to remove my frustration and sadness from my sister's very exciting pregnancy.

And finally - I have no idea what's going on with my temps. They are even more wild than normal. It's probably my own fault because I've drowned my sorrows in a couple glasses of wine the past 2 nights. Guess I need to stop that so that my chart might hopefully show some signs of normalcy.

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