RE Office FAIL

So I caved and called the RE's office from the airport on Friday, in an attempt to get the results of P.'s second SA. Any guesses as to what transpired?

After sitting on hold for a LONG time (well, maybe 5 minutes), the receptionist said in an annoyingly cheerful voice: "The doctor hasn't had a chance to review your results yet. But that's OK; they will be available when you come in for your appointment on the seventh."

Me: "Um...but...the tech told my husband to call back yesterday to get the results."

Receptionist: "Those results will be ready for your appointment. Have a great weekend!"

Argh. So I was all prepared to get some real numbers and do a little research, going to our appointment with a vague clue of what to expect. Instead, we're going in blind.

I guess the silver lining is that I won't spend my precious long weekend researching that crap. Instead, I'll probably spend it drunk as a skunk to keep myself from worrying about the upcoming appointment. RE Office FAIL!

BFN...But What Else Did I Expect?

I didn't want to get my hopes up. I told myself that the vitamins - and now chiropractic treatment - for P. would likely not result in "super sperm" that would spontaneously impregnate me. But still, I was up early yesterday morning at 10 DPO, peeing in a cup. Not even the hint of a line - not even an evap line after an hour!! But what else is new? Certainly the disappointment, pain, and self-doubt are not. And FF likes to slap me in the face by reducing my "early pregnancy signs" to 12 points. Awesome. Thanks, FF!

So what's next? P.'s second SA is on Friday. At which point we need to schedule our next consult with the RE to figure out the plan of action. I'm debating whether or not to schedule this for before or after our long 4th of July weekend, which will be spent with my pregnant sister and brother-in-law. What if we get new that I'm not ready to hear? Then after our visit would be better, I'm thinking. But I hate to push things out even farther. I don't know.

I am just terrified that we're going to be advised to proceed directly to IVF w/ICSI. I know this is not necessarily a logical fear given the fact that we still have no clue where P.'s numbers are. I should assume the best, right? How I wish I could, how I wish I could.

Anyway. So here I am, 11 DPO with spotting in full force and just waiting for AF to start. The only silver lining I can find is the fact that I seem to have O'd a few days earlier than normal -- ALMOST making a "normal" cycle, in fact. That's a good thing, right? Right? Though, having never received a positive OPK reading...of course I'm wondering if I am, in fact, ovulating? Why do I even let myself worry about this so much? Really, what's the point? I need to just pop my BuSpar and stop thinking about this sh*t.

In other news, P. made homemade vanilla ice cream this evening because I wanted it. Does he not completely rock? I love this man, I really do!

First RE Appt.

Today P. and I went to our very first "couple" doctor's appointment and met our RE. We like him, so that's one big hurdle down! He was very personable and seemed to be thorough, though I was surprised that he didn't lecture us on decreasing caffeine intake or anything like that. (Though I have to admit I am secretly glad, as I was planning on cutting out the coffee cold turkey; now I've decided I will limit myself to one cup per day.)

The big disappointment for me was the fact that, despite my OB's office swearing they sent my records over, the doctor did not have my previous records. Which means we still don't have the exact #'s from P's SA. Maybe I will just call and get the actual #'s tomorrow for my own sanity. I was really hoping for some sort of analysis of those #'s. The RE wrote a script for a vitamin for P. to take, and he's to take 50 mg of zinc daily. The hope is that these two things will help boost his count and motility. So he takes these for a month and then he'll repeat his SA. This time he can do it at home and either of us can drop it off at the RE's office, which is a big relief also!

As for me, he did a quick internal after our consultation to obtain a sample of CM for analysis. Not sure if they're trying to determine if it's hostile or what. My period is about to start any time now, so of course I was spotting for the internal. Oh well. As soon as my period starts, I am to call and schedule the dreaded HSG! I'm nervous about having it done, but I know it will be helpful. He already wrote the script for a painkiller and antibiotic for me to take in conjunction with the procedure. The office is very well organized, so that gives me some peace of mind!

And that's about it for now. Once we have completed the next SA and my HSG, we'll go back in to see what the next steps are. Our RE's hope is P.'s SA will improve, he'll be able to regulate my cycles with drugs, and we'll be able to do this with timed intercourse. Of course, he did warn that if P's numbers are severely low, IVF might be our only option. I am just praying that is not the case...

So overall, I'd classify today as a success.

And my final note: FF is on so much crack, it's insane! It has changed my crosshairs back and forth at least 6 times over the past week. I'm still not convinced I ovulated at all. Whatever...

Always Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

Right now I am waiting for P. to come home from his overseas business trip. He is currently scheduled to come home on Saturday, but they're having a meeting today to see whether or not they'll have to stay longer. Ugh. So I'm also waiting to hear from him on his schedule.

I'm also waiting to see if I O'd or not. I got a +OPK on Saturday, which was thrilling because I haven't been checking very diligently. I did not get EWCM, but I think I had some watery CM. But I totally screwed myself by staying up late & waking up late this weekend, so now I'm not sure if that affected my temps. Yesterday it was relatively high, so I thought maybe I'd O'd on Saturday, but this morning it was much lower. So maybe I'll O today? I don't know. And I really don't know why I am so obsessed because P. isn't here, there's been no sex, and oh by the way - apparently his swimmers won't be able to do the job right now anyway. Darn. :(

And of course I am waiting, not so patiently, for our RE appointment next month. I just got the paperwork from the doc's office in the mail and it is insane! We have to fill our about 10 pages of information. It will totally be worth it, of course, but I know getting P.'s family health history will probably be like pulling teeth. I am seriously on the verge of spilling our troubles to his mom. This would ease my ability to get health info without having to beat around the bush. And besides, I love my MIL to death and her support would be great. I haven't mentioned this to P. yet, but I would definitely ask him before I say anything.

In the midst of all this waiting, I've decided to educate myself a bit more on the whole IF thing. I actually went to the library yesterday, for the first time in years! (I spend WAY too much $$$ on books as it is, so I've drawn the line.) I am currently reading "The Male Biological Clock" by Harry Fisch, a leading urologist who specializes in IF. It's very informative for me! I just want to make sure that I have a clue about the background info before we meet with the RE so I can ask intelligent questions and ensure we don't get pushed into anything too quickly. I'm really trying to stay positive when it comes to thinking we might be able to do this naturally...but it's not always easy!

Anyway, that's all my news for today. Here's wishing everyone much more patience than I seem to possess! :)

SA Results

They're in. And because my OB/GYN's office called ME (instead of me tracking them down), I knew before the nurse even told me that they were not good. The verdict: Low count, low motility. ::sigh::

So she gave us three options:

1. Just wait a month and run the SA again (I wasn't wild about this one since I knew this would result from the next two anyway...)

2. Have P. go directly to a urologist.

3. Both of us see an RE.

I was initially confused about whether 2 or 3 would be best. Not knowing where to turn for answers, I posted my very first question/intro on the Bump's Trouble Trying to Conceive (TTTC) board. Feeling like a complete rookie despite having lurked there for well over a month, I posted and waited to b flamed. Instead, these awesome ladies gave me some great input & made me feel very welcome. That made me feel like I wasn't alone & I had somewhere to turn for support, which was a small miracle in itself!

So with the input from the fantastic TTTC ladies and after talking to P., we decided to see an RE first and see if he has a urologist that he works with for IF. I think it will be good for us to be under the care of the RE, who can look at our issues as a couple, rather than just continuing to see separate specialists for everything. Besides, I'm not convinced that I'm off the hook with my own issues, given my late ovulation.

Luckily, the nurse gave me the name of the RE they prefer to work with, and it wasn't hard to set up a consultation there. We go in on May 12, assuming the limbo that is my career doesn't get in the way with travel during that week. So now I just need to make it until then!

In other news, I've completely gotten over my own sadness when discussing my sister's pregnancy with her, and that makes me happy. I even told her today about the SA results & having to see the RE. I am so thankful that I am able to see beyond my own issues and not let them get in the way of my relationship with my sister, because she truly is my best friend besides P.

So all in all, I guess today is a good day...because at least I'm getting somewhere. I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not even allowing myself to think about the "what-if's" with regard to how bad the semen situation might be; I just need to hold on to some hope for the time being.

ETA: P. took the news surprisingly well. I thought that hearing that his swimmers weren't completely up to par was going to crush his fragile male ego, but I forgot: he is one of those guys who seems to have no feelings at times! His response: "Stuff like this happens. I'll work with a doctor and try to get it fixed quickly." Ahhhh...God love him! I wish I could be so laid back about all of this, I really do!

::Drumming Fingers::

I wonder how long I should wait to hear from my OB/GYN's office for the highly anticipated SA results? I guess I should make a plan: If I have not heard anything by Thursday, I will call their office. Hopefully, they will give me the results since, technically, the test was P's and not mine. I don't know why I am in such a rush to get the results when we're out for this cycle anyway, thanks to P. being overseas. I guess I just need to see some progress...anywhere.

Now I'm Pissed

So it appears that work may be sending P. overseas NEXT WEEK - for 3 WEEKS?! WTF? Can they not plan these trips in advance? And more importantly, how am I ever supposed to get KTFU between his travel, my long cycles, and our general inability to conceive?

As if I wasn't having a crappy enough week. The hits just keep on coming.

ETA: Despite having no "encouraging material" at the lab yesterday, P. was able to make his deposit. Results should be available early next week, hopefully.

Some Good, Some Bad

First and foremost, P. is off getting his SA this morning! I wonder how long it will take for the results to come in? No matter what the results, I'm excited to figure out what's going on...even if I'm a bit nervous about it as well.

Second, I managed to talk to all members of my immediate family yesterday without completely losing it. Apparently they all collaborated and pretty much knew why I was "missing in action" and they decided to bombard me with phone calls and texts on Tuesday. Ugh. So I couldn't really ignore them anymore. My mom and I - well, even my dad and I - had some good discussions about the TTC frustration, so I guess it helps to have others in on the secret who I can talk to. Because I'm sure P. is overwhelmed by being my sole source of support all the time. I did not discuss any of this with my sister, even though I know she knows. Instead, I just vented to her about the thousands of freaking dollars we owe in taxes this year. :(

Third, I ordered some gifts for my sister (and brother-in-law. sort of) that should get there tomorrow, on my sister's birthday no less. I got them the Mayo Book on Pregnancy, Belly Laughs, What to Expect While You're Expecting, and a sea band with a cute print. I went back and forth on whether I should get them something really baby related (like these books) or something only loosely related (lucky bamboo was my other pick). But I decided that this was the way to go since my sis is really new to all this PG stuff and was overwhelmed with the amount of info out there. So hopefully I made the right choice!

And finally, P. informed me yesterday that he may be out of town again soon - probably only for a week, but quite possibly during my fertile days. This, of course, seriously pissed me off because he was out of the country last cycle. His bosses haven't decided if he'll just be in D.C. for this next trip, or actually overseas. So all I can hope at this point is that he's not gone during my fertile time, or if he is - he just goes to D.C. because then I could actually go with him. So we'll see.

The hits - they just keep on coming...!

The Inevitable

I mentioned probably 3 to 4 weeks ago that my sister and brother-in-law decided to TTC this month. And I also mentioned that I'd have to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable situation in which they would immediately see a positive pregnancy test.

But despite my will to mentally prepare myself, I was so caught off guard and mentally UNprepared for the good news yesterday: they are, in fact, expecting! And I was the first person she told, which of course makes me feel special (though I would have expected this anyway!). I felt such a rush of emotions - the excitement she must feel, the wonder of what happens next...and the inevitable sorrow for my own situation.

So as I asked about her symptoms and when she was going to call her OB, tears silently streamed down my face. I imagined how happy my parents are going to be when they hear the news, and I selfishly thought about how that was supposed to be ME giving them the surprise of expecting their first grandchild.

I feel so ashamed of my emotions, and yet I know they are "normal." There is no reason that feeling sorry for myself has to interfere with my joy for my sister. And yet I still feel guilty for feeling this way.

All this, after a crap-tacular week as it was. I've been absolutely hating my job the past few weeks. Everything is always in limbo. I was supposed to start traveling extensively for work mid-February, but things have slipped every week since. Which may not sound that bad until you think about how the heck I'm supposed to plan anything. And now it appears my travel may start the first week of May, when I have a fun exercise class (8 week session that I paid a pretty penny for) starting & we're supposed to go visit the in-laws for a long weekend. After receiving a promotion to my previous supervisor's position - being assured they were going to hire someone to replace me - they've now told me they're not filling my old position. Translation? I now have to do 2 jobs. Fantastic. Especially considering I hated the first job & am finding this one to be little improvement.

So I've been spending years trying to figure out what it is I really want to do. I came up with 3 options that I know would make me happy just this past week. The problem? Each would require about 3 years of school full time. (And I already have 2 Master's degrees because I am a nerd with no life.) Considering how much I make at my previous job & the fact that P. and I make equal salaries, I just don't know how we could swing it. Especially if we ever do get successful as becoming KTFU. I had decided to go ahead and take a pre-req class at the community college this summer term & was really excited about it -- until I found out I won't be considered in-state for tuition until Fall term. And it would seriously take me 1.5 - 2 years to finish just the pre-req courses if I only take one at a time while working full time.

::sigh::

Add to that the fact that I finished our taxes this weekend and realized we owe thousands of dollars thanks to P. working overseas half the year, making considerably more than usual.

I know, I know - all I'm doing is whining & I'm annoying even myself. Right after Easter, no less - when we just celebrated the hope in His rising. I just need to accept the fact that when it rains, it pours. That's all there is to it. All I can do is press on. And try to do so with a smile.

In other news, P. immediately made an appointment to have his SA done this week - after he had to console me to stop my uncontrollable sobbing after we got home yesterday. He really is my rock & I don't know what I'd do without him. So hopefully we'll have the results in a couple weeks. Just in time for our one year anniversary of TTC. I guess I'll wait and see the results before deciding what to do should the results be normal. And in the meantime, I will do my best to remove my frustration and sadness from my sister's very exciting pregnancy.

And finally - I have no idea what's going on with my temps. They are even more wild than normal. It's probably my own fault because I've drowned my sorrows in a couple glasses of wine the past 2 nights. Guess I need to stop that so that my chart might hopefully show some signs of normalcy.

Ugh

So my stomach problems seem to be the result of intestinal parasites. Disgusting, no? No idea when or where I picked these up. Stupid amoebas! I am taking two heavy duty medicines to eradicate these little jerks, and the meds are seriously kicking my butt. Not only do I have a constant, bad headache, but I also have lovely stomach cramps. Awesome. 19 more days of this crap. Oh, and no drinking while I am on the meds. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Work is also kicking my butt. Constantly changing travel schedules, plus more work than I can possibly accomplish within the given deadlines. I'm really trying not to stress out about it, but that's especially difficult given the fact that P. is about to go on business travel for 3 - 4 weeks. And I will probably be leaving for my travel right as he returns. And we are definitely going to miss my fertile time this cycle. Double ugh.

I told him I need him to get his SA done as soon as he gets back, because at that point we will be dangerously close to the one year mark. And I want to get his stuff figured out so we know if we're dealing with a problem on his side, or if I need some internal diagnostics. My acupuncture doc wants to start me on an herb after I'm done with this stupid anti-parasite medicine to help with the fluctuating temps and possible progesterone issue in my LP. He says all signs point to a "liver qi" insufficiency. So we'll see.

More soon.

Stomach Inflammation is a Biatch

So I naively thought that my stomach was going to start feeling better now that I'm on Prevacid and Zantac to help reduce the acid (and hopefully inflammation). Boy, was I wrong! Yesterday morning I was gripped by the worst nausea yet. In fact, it was so bad that both ends of my system were overloaded. I practically crawled from the bathroom to the couch after emptying everything and downing my anti-nausea meds. And the meds promptly knocked me out for a while. Just what I needed: taking MORE leave time from work. Ugh.

In other news, I find that I am becoming less optimistic about TTC. I don't know why. Really, I should be happy and thankful that I'm getting all these diagnostics. But instead, I seem to be subconsciously thinking that it's inevitable that we won't be able to have kids. I know that positive thought and even visualization is necessary in order to achieve our goal, so I am slightly horrified by these thoughts that I can't seem to control. I wish I could just bang my head against a wall and have these thoughts magically fall out. Really, what is wrong with me? Even at 9 months of trying, we're really just beginning our TTC journey (at least, this is my impression). I hope that I can hold out for the long haul.

I called Quest the other day to figure out the nearest lab that can do P's SA. Unfortunately, the nearest one is 45 minutes away! And since you're really supposed to get the sample to the lab about 30 minutes after it's given, I fear that P might actually have to give his sample AT the lab. He is not at all enthused about this idea. I'm sure I could go with him...errrr, I guess I'd better call the lab and ask. Another option might be for him to call our insurance company and see if he can drop the sample off at the hospital (which is only 10 minutes away, tops). But getting him to call will be a challenge on its own. ::sigh::

Anyway, here's to some hopefully more positive thinking in the near future! I think I may actually start posting on The Nest/Bump again soon, because not having anyone to talk to about this stuff is starting to get to me.

Normal CD3 Results!

I got some good news from my OB/GYN's office: my CD3 blood work results were normal! I was honestly shocked, as my doctor overseas had gone on and on about how my hormone levels were out of balance. Shocked in a good way, though. :) And now it's P's turn -- she is ordering an SA for him. I'm sure he's thrilled... Not. Anyway, I'm going to pick up the collection cup and instructions today. From what I understand, he gets to make the deposit at home and drop it off at a lab, so that's not too bad.

In other news, I saw the acupuncturist again yesterday. He seems to think that something is going on with my liver. He looked at all my charts and explained how a problem with my liver could cause blockages in my menstrual cycle. He said it makes sense when looking at how long the follicular phase of my cycles are. It was strange printing out my charts because I've been off BCPs for 14 months now; yet I only had 9 cycles/charts to bring in. Yikes! I am really enjoying the acupuncture sessions and I love that the doc is so into nutrition - I've wanted to see a nutritionist for a while to ensure I'm getting the proper balance of nutrients in my diet.

Finally, romance is in the air with Valentine's Day tomorrow! :) All this TTC business has made sex a bit lackluster lately - it's amazing how trying to time everything for 9 months can begin to kill the spontaneity and romance that normally surrounds sex. So I really wanted to surprise P with something to spice things up (besides more lingerie - I have the largest lingerie collection around). I got several pieces from the Liberator collection, and I plan on trying them today! We both took most of the day off from work, and we have a romantic dinner on the water planned tonight. So I think we can try one piece this afternoon and maybe a combination tonight. Perfect timing, too - as I got a +OPK yesterday and my temp did not rise this morning. But I am not telling P that the timing is right...I want to get back to the spontaneous feeling :)

Happy [early] Valentine's Day everyone!