Everything Sucks

I finished work for the evening just 30 minutes ago, and burst into tears when I realized it was already bed time. This came after crying in public while sitting by myself at a bar (awesome), and a gasping cry while talking to my husband on the phone (during which I burst into fresh tears multiple times).

This job has officially robbed me of my sanity, and IF has robbed me of my hope. When you combine the two, there's little left but an empty shell of what used to be a happy, optimistic girl.

I'm not quite sure what to do yet. All I know is that I cannot continue on the same path. This is all wrong. Something has to give.

Shoot. I just realized that the RE's office said I can call tomorrow for the results of the second SA. Our next consult is scheduled after the 4th of July. Besides the fact that I will probably not have time to call tomorrow, I'm not even sure if I want to know the results before we talk to the doctor. It might just stress me out more. I don't know. What would you do?

Eff My Life

I am in such a foul mood today. First of all, I dropped P. off at the airport for his 2 week, overseas business trip. Bah. This took place after this morning's ginormously failed attempt at lovin'. I've been enthusiastically checking my CM in the hopes of an earlier - or even normal (!!!) - ovulation due to my supplements or whatever. But as usual, it's been pretty pathetic. So anyway, I sorta forgot about this when we were about to get it on this morning... Imagine my, er, embarrassment when I had nothing going on down there. So to remedy the situation, I ran to the bathroom to apply my trusty Pre-seed. Real spontaneous, romantic and fun - right? By the time I got back to bed, P. had apparently lost the urge.

So now he's gone for 2 weeks, I didn't get any, and I ended up having an emotional breakdown in the bedroom this morning thanks to this. It wasn't even going to be baby-making sex, for crying out loud! It should have just been fun! But no, I've come to find out this whole stupid TTC crap bleeds over into every aspect of our sex life, and the pressure is freaking unbearable. I am so bitter that we're going through all this while so many couples don't ever have to bother with temping, CM & CP checking, pineapple, supplements, Pre-Seed, green tea, OPKs....forever and ever, effing amen.

So Eff My Life. That's all I have to say.

By the time I start my next cycle, it will have been a year since we started TTC. The dreaded year. And to think of the hopefulness we started out with. It seems so ridiculous now.

And to add insult to freaking injury... I just got in from walking the dogs, and a little girl asked why I wouldn't let her pet my male dog. I told her it's because he's very protective of me (which is true, but honestly he seems to hate most kids and would like to chase them). She asked, "Do you have kids?" I said no. She said, "Oh! It's probably because he's never been around kids then."

The fact that a 7 or 8 year-old kid can make me come home and bawl like a baby? Absolutely pathetic.

Like I said, Eff. My. Life.

ETA: I am glad that I have copious amounts of wine chilling in the fridge right now. I think I deserve at least a glass or two and a nice hot bath. Heck, it seems like I'm always trying to console myself lately. I hate how frequent my pity parties have become.

The Inevitable

I mentioned probably 3 to 4 weeks ago that my sister and brother-in-law decided to TTC this month. And I also mentioned that I'd have to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable situation in which they would immediately see a positive pregnancy test.

But despite my will to mentally prepare myself, I was so caught off guard and mentally UNprepared for the good news yesterday: they are, in fact, expecting! And I was the first person she told, which of course makes me feel special (though I would have expected this anyway!). I felt such a rush of emotions - the excitement she must feel, the wonder of what happens next...and the inevitable sorrow for my own situation.

So as I asked about her symptoms and when she was going to call her OB, tears silently streamed down my face. I imagined how happy my parents are going to be when they hear the news, and I selfishly thought about how that was supposed to be ME giving them the surprise of expecting their first grandchild.

I feel so ashamed of my emotions, and yet I know they are "normal." There is no reason that feeling sorry for myself has to interfere with my joy for my sister. And yet I still feel guilty for feeling this way.

All this, after a crap-tacular week as it was. I've been absolutely hating my job the past few weeks. Everything is always in limbo. I was supposed to start traveling extensively for work mid-February, but things have slipped every week since. Which may not sound that bad until you think about how the heck I'm supposed to plan anything. And now it appears my travel may start the first week of May, when I have a fun exercise class (8 week session that I paid a pretty penny for) starting & we're supposed to go visit the in-laws for a long weekend. After receiving a promotion to my previous supervisor's position - being assured they were going to hire someone to replace me - they've now told me they're not filling my old position. Translation? I now have to do 2 jobs. Fantastic. Especially considering I hated the first job & am finding this one to be little improvement.

So I've been spending years trying to figure out what it is I really want to do. I came up with 3 options that I know would make me happy just this past week. The problem? Each would require about 3 years of school full time. (And I already have 2 Master's degrees because I am a nerd with no life.) Considering how much I make at my previous job & the fact that P. and I make equal salaries, I just don't know how we could swing it. Especially if we ever do get successful as becoming KTFU. I had decided to go ahead and take a pre-req class at the community college this summer term & was really excited about it -- until I found out I won't be considered in-state for tuition until Fall term. And it would seriously take me 1.5 - 2 years to finish just the pre-req courses if I only take one at a time while working full time.

::sigh::

Add to that the fact that I finished our taxes this weekend and realized we owe thousands of dollars thanks to P. working overseas half the year, making considerably more than usual.

I know, I know - all I'm doing is whining & I'm annoying even myself. Right after Easter, no less - when we just celebrated the hope in His rising. I just need to accept the fact that when it rains, it pours. That's all there is to it. All I can do is press on. And try to do so with a smile.

In other news, P. immediately made an appointment to have his SA done this week - after he had to console me to stop my uncontrollable sobbing after we got home yesterday. He really is my rock & I don't know what I'd do without him. So hopefully we'll have the results in a couple weeks. Just in time for our one year anniversary of TTC. I guess I'll wait and see the results before deciding what to do should the results be normal. And in the meantime, I will do my best to remove my frustration and sadness from my sister's very exciting pregnancy.

And finally - I have no idea what's going on with my temps. They are even more wild than normal. It's probably my own fault because I've drowned my sorrows in a couple glasses of wine the past 2 nights. Guess I need to stop that so that my chart might hopefully show some signs of normalcy.

Emotional Wreck

I had some more spotting last night, and it sent me over the edge.  Right in the middle of watching 24 with P, I started bawling.  With the spotting getting heavier and the cramping getting worse, it seems obvious to me that my period is going to start sooner than it should.  And that will totally throw off my schedule for getting my CD3 blood work done.  I mean, hopefully it won't make a huge difference - I might have to get it done a tad early or late - but why can't things just take place as scheduled?

I hope that getting my blood drawn on a different cycle day won't mess up the results too badly.  I'm sure they're going to suck anyway.  

Gawd, I just started crying again.  I am such a mess.  I keep getting this nagging feeling that God is trying to communicate to me that I am not supposed to have kids or something.  And considering the fact that we've only been trying for 8 months at this point, I truly admire and am in awe of couples who have been trying for so much longer.  How do you keep the faith?  I so wish I knew.

OK, enough of my blubbering.  Time for the inauguration.  Yay!