Eff My Life

I am in such a foul mood today. First of all, I dropped P. off at the airport for his 2 week, overseas business trip. Bah. This took place after this morning's ginormously failed attempt at lovin'. I've been enthusiastically checking my CM in the hopes of an earlier - or even normal (!!!) - ovulation due to my supplements or whatever. But as usual, it's been pretty pathetic. So anyway, I sorta forgot about this when we were about to get it on this morning... Imagine my, er, embarrassment when I had nothing going on down there. So to remedy the situation, I ran to the bathroom to apply my trusty Pre-seed. Real spontaneous, romantic and fun - right? By the time I got back to bed, P. had apparently lost the urge.

So now he's gone for 2 weeks, I didn't get any, and I ended up having an emotional breakdown in the bedroom this morning thanks to this. It wasn't even going to be baby-making sex, for crying out loud! It should have just been fun! But no, I've come to find out this whole stupid TTC crap bleeds over into every aspect of our sex life, and the pressure is freaking unbearable. I am so bitter that we're going through all this while so many couples don't ever have to bother with temping, CM & CP checking, pineapple, supplements, Pre-Seed, green tea, OPKs....forever and ever, effing amen.

So Eff My Life. That's all I have to say.

By the time I start my next cycle, it will have been a year since we started TTC. The dreaded year. And to think of the hopefulness we started out with. It seems so ridiculous now.

And to add insult to freaking injury... I just got in from walking the dogs, and a little girl asked why I wouldn't let her pet my male dog. I told her it's because he's very protective of me (which is true, but honestly he seems to hate most kids and would like to chase them). She asked, "Do you have kids?" I said no. She said, "Oh! It's probably because he's never been around kids then."

The fact that a 7 or 8 year-old kid can make me come home and bawl like a baby? Absolutely pathetic.

Like I said, Eff. My. Life.

ETA: I am glad that I have copious amounts of wine chilling in the fridge right now. I think I deserve at least a glass or two and a nice hot bath. Heck, it seems like I'm always trying to console myself lately. I hate how frequent my pity parties have become.

Some Good, Some Bad

First and foremost, P. is off getting his SA this morning! I wonder how long it will take for the results to come in? No matter what the results, I'm excited to figure out what's going on...even if I'm a bit nervous about it as well.

Second, I managed to talk to all members of my immediate family yesterday without completely losing it. Apparently they all collaborated and pretty much knew why I was "missing in action" and they decided to bombard me with phone calls and texts on Tuesday. Ugh. So I couldn't really ignore them anymore. My mom and I - well, even my dad and I - had some good discussions about the TTC frustration, so I guess it helps to have others in on the secret who I can talk to. Because I'm sure P. is overwhelmed by being my sole source of support all the time. I did not discuss any of this with my sister, even though I know she knows. Instead, I just vented to her about the thousands of freaking dollars we owe in taxes this year. :(

Third, I ordered some gifts for my sister (and brother-in-law. sort of) that should get there tomorrow, on my sister's birthday no less. I got them the Mayo Book on Pregnancy, Belly Laughs, What to Expect While You're Expecting, and a sea band with a cute print. I went back and forth on whether I should get them something really baby related (like these books) or something only loosely related (lucky bamboo was my other pick). But I decided that this was the way to go since my sis is really new to all this PG stuff and was overwhelmed with the amount of info out there. So hopefully I made the right choice!

And finally, P. informed me yesterday that he may be out of town again soon - probably only for a week, but quite possibly during my fertile days. This, of course, seriously pissed me off because he was out of the country last cycle. His bosses haven't decided if he'll just be in D.C. for this next trip, or actually overseas. So all I can hope at this point is that he's not gone during my fertile time, or if he is - he just goes to D.C. because then I could actually go with him. So we'll see.

The hits - they just keep on coming...!

The Inevitable

I mentioned probably 3 to 4 weeks ago that my sister and brother-in-law decided to TTC this month. And I also mentioned that I'd have to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable situation in which they would immediately see a positive pregnancy test.

But despite my will to mentally prepare myself, I was so caught off guard and mentally UNprepared for the good news yesterday: they are, in fact, expecting! And I was the first person she told, which of course makes me feel special (though I would have expected this anyway!). I felt such a rush of emotions - the excitement she must feel, the wonder of what happens next...and the inevitable sorrow for my own situation.

So as I asked about her symptoms and when she was going to call her OB, tears silently streamed down my face. I imagined how happy my parents are going to be when they hear the news, and I selfishly thought about how that was supposed to be ME giving them the surprise of expecting their first grandchild.

I feel so ashamed of my emotions, and yet I know they are "normal." There is no reason that feeling sorry for myself has to interfere with my joy for my sister. And yet I still feel guilty for feeling this way.

All this, after a crap-tacular week as it was. I've been absolutely hating my job the past few weeks. Everything is always in limbo. I was supposed to start traveling extensively for work mid-February, but things have slipped every week since. Which may not sound that bad until you think about how the heck I'm supposed to plan anything. And now it appears my travel may start the first week of May, when I have a fun exercise class (8 week session that I paid a pretty penny for) starting & we're supposed to go visit the in-laws for a long weekend. After receiving a promotion to my previous supervisor's position - being assured they were going to hire someone to replace me - they've now told me they're not filling my old position. Translation? I now have to do 2 jobs. Fantastic. Especially considering I hated the first job & am finding this one to be little improvement.

So I've been spending years trying to figure out what it is I really want to do. I came up with 3 options that I know would make me happy just this past week. The problem? Each would require about 3 years of school full time. (And I already have 2 Master's degrees because I am a nerd with no life.) Considering how much I make at my previous job & the fact that P. and I make equal salaries, I just don't know how we could swing it. Especially if we ever do get successful as becoming KTFU. I had decided to go ahead and take a pre-req class at the community college this summer term & was really excited about it -- until I found out I won't be considered in-state for tuition until Fall term. And it would seriously take me 1.5 - 2 years to finish just the pre-req courses if I only take one at a time while working full time.

::sigh::

Add to that the fact that I finished our taxes this weekend and realized we owe thousands of dollars thanks to P. working overseas half the year, making considerably more than usual.

I know, I know - all I'm doing is whining & I'm annoying even myself. Right after Easter, no less - when we just celebrated the hope in His rising. I just need to accept the fact that when it rains, it pours. That's all there is to it. All I can do is press on. And try to do so with a smile.

In other news, P. immediately made an appointment to have his SA done this week - after he had to console me to stop my uncontrollable sobbing after we got home yesterday. He really is my rock & I don't know what I'd do without him. So hopefully we'll have the results in a couple weeks. Just in time for our one year anniversary of TTC. I guess I'll wait and see the results before deciding what to do should the results be normal. And in the meantime, I will do my best to remove my frustration and sadness from my sister's very exciting pregnancy.

And finally - I have no idea what's going on with my temps. They are even more wild than normal. It's probably my own fault because I've drowned my sorrows in a couple glasses of wine the past 2 nights. Guess I need to stop that so that my chart might hopefully show some signs of normalcy.

So Confused

I know I've been missing in action lately. With P. gone and being on a TTC break cycle, I didn't have much to say. :)

I guess I could have blogged about how my little sister told me she and her husband are now officially TTC, but I refrained because the first few days were a little emotional for me. Don't get me wrong - I wish them all the best in their TTC journey, of course! And I completely look forward to having biological niece(s)/nephew(s)! But...well...I'm sure you can imagine how I would feel if they are successful before us, after P. and I have been trying for a while.

Anyway. So this cycle completely doesn't matter because we've had no baby-making sex; however, I am still confused about what's going on. My last two cycles, I've only had an 11 day LP. Today is 13 DPO for me. I also normally spot a few days before AF shows up, but as of today...nada. I'd like for my LP to go back to 13-14 days like it used to be, so this could be good news. But it's still pretty confusing. Additionally, I had almost no CM this cycle. Seriously. So while my chart shows a clear thermal shift, I had nothing to go by in the CM department. Please get with the program, body!

Also: I've been experiencing hella cramps the past 5 days...but only while I'm doing cardio. WTF? That is very strange. This morning was horrible. I was jogging on the treadmill and suddenly was gripped with the most painful freaking cramps of all time. I got hot and dizzy. They felt like PMS cramps, but then I realized with some horror that I had to move my bowels in the most urgent way! Ugh. So I actually had to STOP the treadmill and run to the bathroom. I was only 1/2 way through my workout at that point, so I decided to return to my workout after this, er, event. (Meanwhile, I KNOW people were watching and knew exactly why I left the treadmill and ran to the bathroom...how freaking embarrassing!)

So I started jogging again, but the cramps progressively got so bad that I had to give up. And I have an enormous tolerance for pain, so you can imagine how irritated I was by this. But I was in so much pain! So I slowed down, came to a stop, and basically ran to my car. Drove home (we only live a few minutes away) and only began to feel better after sitting down for about 20 minutes - and "going" 2 more times. (Sorry if this is TMI...but hey, it's my blog!) WTF? This is really bizarre behavior, even for my messed up self. Argh.