Facebook Strikes Again

This morning I found out that we'll have a nephew in December. Thanks to my sister's sister-in-law who announced it in her FB status.

I wonder if my sister hasn't called me about this because of the solemn nature of the news that P. and I received this week?

I told my parents about it (our bad news) last night, over the phone. I cried for the first time since our RE appointment. And when it started, it came out for about 2 hours. I tried not to do it in front of P., but I failed.

BFN...But What Else Did I Expect?

I didn't want to get my hopes up. I told myself that the vitamins - and now chiropractic treatment - for P. would likely not result in "super sperm" that would spontaneously impregnate me. But still, I was up early yesterday morning at 10 DPO, peeing in a cup. Not even the hint of a line - not even an evap line after an hour!! But what else is new? Certainly the disappointment, pain, and self-doubt are not. And FF likes to slap me in the face by reducing my "early pregnancy signs" to 12 points. Awesome. Thanks, FF!

So what's next? P.'s second SA is on Friday. At which point we need to schedule our next consult with the RE to figure out the plan of action. I'm debating whether or not to schedule this for before or after our long 4th of July weekend, which will be spent with my pregnant sister and brother-in-law. What if we get new that I'm not ready to hear? Then after our visit would be better, I'm thinking. But I hate to push things out even farther. I don't know.

I am just terrified that we're going to be advised to proceed directly to IVF w/ICSI. I know this is not necessarily a logical fear given the fact that we still have no clue where P.'s numbers are. I should assume the best, right? How I wish I could, how I wish I could.

Anyway. So here I am, 11 DPO with spotting in full force and just waiting for AF to start. The only silver lining I can find is the fact that I seem to have O'd a few days earlier than normal -- ALMOST making a "normal" cycle, in fact. That's a good thing, right? Right? Though, having never received a positive OPK reading...of course I'm wondering if I am, in fact, ovulating? Why do I even let myself worry about this so much? Really, what's the point? I need to just pop my BuSpar and stop thinking about this sh*t.

In other news, P. made homemade vanilla ice cream this evening because I wanted it. Does he not completely rock? I love this man, I really do!

You'd Think I'd Learn...

...to stop getting my hopes up every cycle. But do I? Of course not. I sit here staring at my FF chart half the day. Temp dip, temp rise... Good signs, right?

Ugh. Somebody smack me. Seriously.

In other news: my new happy pills are pretty interesting. I take them twice a day. About 45 minutes after taking them, I start feeling this strange combination of floating, sleepiness and calm. It's actually pretty nice. This morning I was on a teleconference in which there were words being exchanged that normally would have sent me over the edge. Today? Nada. I was cool as a cucumber. I remember thinking, "Man, this would normally piss me off to no end." Yet, I didn't have the same reaction as usual. Sweet!

Also, my sister "came out" on facebook about her pregnancy yesterday. I had mixed feelings about this. First, most of her friends already knew, so it probably didn't surprise anyone. But the IF part of me had the punch-to-the-gut reaction. Like, "Really? You had to proclaim this on facebook?" I would never admit this to her. ::sigh:: I am pathetic.

When's it time for my next dose of BuSpar? :)

Happy Pills

My doctor ended up prescribing BuSpar to me today, and it is supposed to help with both anxiety and depression. And it's one of the very few medications that is rated category "B" for pregnancy. So there we go. I have my fingers crossed that this will help me get through the days with some happiness again!

In other news, my sister is officially in her second trimester! I've debated "announcing" this on my IRL blog ~ she said doesn't care either way. Eh, we'll see. She went off her anxiety and depression meds for her pregnancy, but she says she is dealing with some major depression now. That makes me so sad that she hasn't felt very excited about her pregnancy for quite some time. :( But I totally understand that it must be hard for her, withdrawing from her meds after being on them for YEARS. She's going to talk to her OB about getting back on something safe for pregnancy. Maybe we'll end up on the same meds. Who knows?

I honestly think that my sister had a hope tucked away, that she and I would be pregnant at the same time. I would have loved that, too. But as I explained to her, this is not something I can control. :( Oh well.

In other news, supposedly today is 7DPO. I feel crampy and dizzy. Fun times.

Must Find New Job Immediately

No, I didn't get laid off. Things were really shaky on my project for the past 3 weeks, but word on the street is that we officially have "authority to proceed" with work at this point. Of course, when you seriously dislike your job, this isn't necessarily great news.

But the reason I have revamped my resume (yet again) and have been applying for positions like a crazy woman is because now that the project is starting, the ridiculous business travel schedule is coming out. And it appears that I would be out of town not only during O for this cycle, but also for next cycle.

Are you effing kidding me? Right after my HSG, when the RE told us to really try to get things done naturally post-tube flushing??

And not only that, but fast forward a few months (should we not be successful naturally) & imagine we have to begin cycling. How the &%$# am I supposed to go in constantly for monitoring appointments - never mind insemination or retrieval/transfer or whatever - when I can get sent places at the drop of a hat?

This just isn't going to work. I must find a new job. For our marriage, my sanity, and any shot we have at procreating. So let the search begin (or continue, as it were). Please, please, PLEASE come through for me, Lord!

In other news, my sister texted me and saw the babe during the u/s! I am waiting for her to call and tell me everything. She's been extremely sick for about the past week, but she's smart enough that she hasn't complained about it that much to me. :)

Confessions

#1: The tone of this blog is quite a bit different from my "IRL" blog (link in right-hand column). I've come to realize that I am much more negative in this blog due to the nature of the content. However, I hope to begin changing that & posting in a more authentic "voice." I promise to start working on that.

#2: I am terrified of the upcoming HSG. My period started full force on Tuesday night, so I called the RE's office yesterday morning, and they scheduled my HSG for Monday morning! EEK! My sister works in radiology & has sat in on these procedures, and she assures me I'll be fine. I have to admit that some of my fear was relieved when I found out that our RE will actually perform the procedure, so that's good. But still, I fear that I will pass out from pain right on the table. And then our RE will know exactly what a wimp I am, possibly deciding right then and there that I am NOT strong enough to handle anything beyond TI. :P OK, maybe not. I'm sure it will all be fine. Right???

#3: My sister's first ultrasound is next week. I have to admit a tiny pinch of hurt at the fact that our "schedules" are so aligned - as in, she sees the OB right around the same times I see the RE. BUT, I am very excited to hear how the u/s goes and how she feels when she hears the heartbeat, etc.! :)

**Edited to Add (ETA): I forgot to say that P. is absolutely fantastic! Without me even asking, he took Monday off to be with me for the HSG. And he said we'd get ice cream afterwards. ::sigh:: Sometimes I forget how truly lucky I am! And despite the difficulties of this whole IF thing, it seems to be bringing us even closer together. I need to keep this feeling close during the dark times!

Some Good, Some Bad

First and foremost, P. is off getting his SA this morning! I wonder how long it will take for the results to come in? No matter what the results, I'm excited to figure out what's going on...even if I'm a bit nervous about it as well.

Second, I managed to talk to all members of my immediate family yesterday without completely losing it. Apparently they all collaborated and pretty much knew why I was "missing in action" and they decided to bombard me with phone calls and texts on Tuesday. Ugh. So I couldn't really ignore them anymore. My mom and I - well, even my dad and I - had some good discussions about the TTC frustration, so I guess it helps to have others in on the secret who I can talk to. Because I'm sure P. is overwhelmed by being my sole source of support all the time. I did not discuss any of this with my sister, even though I know she knows. Instead, I just vented to her about the thousands of freaking dollars we owe in taxes this year. :(

Third, I ordered some gifts for my sister (and brother-in-law. sort of) that should get there tomorrow, on my sister's birthday no less. I got them the Mayo Book on Pregnancy, Belly Laughs, What to Expect While You're Expecting, and a sea band with a cute print. I went back and forth on whether I should get them something really baby related (like these books) or something only loosely related (lucky bamboo was my other pick). But I decided that this was the way to go since my sis is really new to all this PG stuff and was overwhelmed with the amount of info out there. So hopefully I made the right choice!

And finally, P. informed me yesterday that he may be out of town again soon - probably only for a week, but quite possibly during my fertile days. This, of course, seriously pissed me off because he was out of the country last cycle. His bosses haven't decided if he'll just be in D.C. for this next trip, or actually overseas. So all I can hope at this point is that he's not gone during my fertile time, or if he is - he just goes to D.C. because then I could actually go with him. So we'll see.

The hits - they just keep on coming...!

I am so Selfish

Yesterday I had a voicemail from my sister - she told our parents the good news yesterday! She sounded much more excited in her message, so everything must be sinking in now. :)

That said, I am kind of laying low and I hate to admit that I don't want to talk to my parents about it yet. I know they're going to be so excited, and that's great - but I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together if I talk to them about it. Additionally, I have talked to my mom about our struggles so far, I don't know if she's told my dad or not (I'm guessing no, but I could be wrong), and I don't want to talk about how badly she feels for us. Because I know she will be keenly aware of how I am feeling. And I love her for that, but I'm not ready to talk about it.

So now I feel selfish because I've already planned to avoid talking to anyone until at least this weekend. Which will be easy to do since I've been filling my schedule more and more as I've felt emptier and emptier over the past few weeks.

Yet here I am, typing out my self pity in the blogosphere for nobody to read except myself. Sad.

But in other news, I saw my acupuncture doc again yesterday and since my general health is better, he wants to focus on my fertility now. Which is good. :) I started evening primrose oil yesterday for my [lack of] CM situation. He also placed some needles - with electricity - around my stomach and abdomen to stimulate my ovaries. He seems hopeful that I will ovulate earlier this cycle, so we'll see. That would be fantastic. I will keep my fingers crossed.