BFN...But What Else Did I Expect?

I didn't want to get my hopes up. I told myself that the vitamins - and now chiropractic treatment - for P. would likely not result in "super sperm" that would spontaneously impregnate me. But still, I was up early yesterday morning at 10 DPO, peeing in a cup. Not even the hint of a line - not even an evap line after an hour!! But what else is new? Certainly the disappointment, pain, and self-doubt are not. And FF likes to slap me in the face by reducing my "early pregnancy signs" to 12 points. Awesome. Thanks, FF!

So what's next? P.'s second SA is on Friday. At which point we need to schedule our next consult with the RE to figure out the plan of action. I'm debating whether or not to schedule this for before or after our long 4th of July weekend, which will be spent with my pregnant sister and brother-in-law. What if we get new that I'm not ready to hear? Then after our visit would be better, I'm thinking. But I hate to push things out even farther. I don't know.

I am just terrified that we're going to be advised to proceed directly to IVF w/ICSI. I know this is not necessarily a logical fear given the fact that we still have no clue where P.'s numbers are. I should assume the best, right? How I wish I could, how I wish I could.

Anyway. So here I am, 11 DPO with spotting in full force and just waiting for AF to start. The only silver lining I can find is the fact that I seem to have O'd a few days earlier than normal -- ALMOST making a "normal" cycle, in fact. That's a good thing, right? Right? Though, having never received a positive OPK reading...of course I'm wondering if I am, in fact, ovulating? Why do I even let myself worry about this so much? Really, what's the point? I need to just pop my BuSpar and stop thinking about this sh*t.

In other news, P. made homemade vanilla ice cream this evening because I wanted it. Does he not completely rock? I love this man, I really do!

You'd Think I'd Learn...

...to stop getting my hopes up every cycle. But do I? Of course not. I sit here staring at my FF chart half the day. Temp dip, temp rise... Good signs, right?

Ugh. Somebody smack me. Seriously.

In other news: my new happy pills are pretty interesting. I take them twice a day. About 45 minutes after taking them, I start feeling this strange combination of floating, sleepiness and calm. It's actually pretty nice. This morning I was on a teleconference in which there were words being exchanged that normally would have sent me over the edge. Today? Nada. I was cool as a cucumber. I remember thinking, "Man, this would normally piss me off to no end." Yet, I didn't have the same reaction as usual. Sweet!

Also, my sister "came out" on facebook about her pregnancy yesterday. I had mixed feelings about this. First, most of her friends already knew, so it probably didn't surprise anyone. But the IF part of me had the punch-to-the-gut reaction. Like, "Really? You had to proclaim this on facebook?" I would never admit this to her. ::sigh:: I am pathetic.

When's it time for my next dose of BuSpar? :)

FF Is Still on Crack

I'm so over this charting crap. FF and I are both so confused by my body's signals! In fact, FF has reverted back to the faulty logic that I O'd on CD13 (yeah right, like I've ever O'd that early). From the huge temp spike I had this morning and the cramps I had on my right side last night, I would think that I O'd yesterday. But I never got a +OPK.

So what gives?

I'm so annoyed that I've really put a conscious effort into waking at the same time every morning, yet my chart is no easier to interpret than when I let myself sleep in on the weekends. Ugh. I can't believe I've been charting for over a year and a half now. This totally blows.



And...if I did O yesterday...our timing wasn't the greatest. We were doing the every other day thing really well, until yesterday. I'll just leave it at that, because I really don't want to start another pity party for myself at this point. :(

First RE Appt.

Today P. and I went to our very first "couple" doctor's appointment and met our RE. We like him, so that's one big hurdle down! He was very personable and seemed to be thorough, though I was surprised that he didn't lecture us on decreasing caffeine intake or anything like that. (Though I have to admit I am secretly glad, as I was planning on cutting out the coffee cold turkey; now I've decided I will limit myself to one cup per day.)

The big disappointment for me was the fact that, despite my OB's office swearing they sent my records over, the doctor did not have my previous records. Which means we still don't have the exact #'s from P's SA. Maybe I will just call and get the actual #'s tomorrow for my own sanity. I was really hoping for some sort of analysis of those #'s. The RE wrote a script for a vitamin for P. to take, and he's to take 50 mg of zinc daily. The hope is that these two things will help boost his count and motility. So he takes these for a month and then he'll repeat his SA. This time he can do it at home and either of us can drop it off at the RE's office, which is a big relief also!

As for me, he did a quick internal after our consultation to obtain a sample of CM for analysis. Not sure if they're trying to determine if it's hostile or what. My period is about to start any time now, so of course I was spotting for the internal. Oh well. As soon as my period starts, I am to call and schedule the dreaded HSG! I'm nervous about having it done, but I know it will be helpful. He already wrote the script for a painkiller and antibiotic for me to take in conjunction with the procedure. The office is very well organized, so that gives me some peace of mind!

And that's about it for now. Once we have completed the next SA and my HSG, we'll go back in to see what the next steps are. Our RE's hope is P.'s SA will improve, he'll be able to regulate my cycles with drugs, and we'll be able to do this with timed intercourse. Of course, he did warn that if P's numbers are severely low, IVF might be our only option. I am just praying that is not the case...

So overall, I'd classify today as a success.

And my final note: FF is on so much crack, it's insane! It has changed my crosshairs back and forth at least 6 times over the past week. I'm still not convinced I ovulated at all. Whatever...

Spotting...Ugh

I've been trying not to think too much about my daily "symptoms" now that I've only got a mere 4 days left until testing.  I thought that by not thinking about it, I wouldn't be stressing...which might transform into good luck...  But this morning I was greeted with brown spotting.  BAH!  And as if to rub it in further, my FF "Early Pregnancy Signs" probability has dropped to 27.  Niiiiiice.

The thing that upsets me the most about the spotting is the fact that I've been taking vitamin B-6 religiously and that seemed to cut down on pre-AF spotting last cycle.  Not this cycle, I guess.

Not much in the way of cramping yet, but I know it's only a matter of time at this point.  Oh well.  I'm sure everyone is so interested in every little twinge in my ute.  :P  Ha ha!

Happy MLK Day, and Happy Inauguration Day Eve!  :-)

FF Early Pregnancy Signs

OK...I've been a FF VIP user for well over a year now, but recently they've been rolling out some strange "enhancements."  Such as the Early Pregnancy Signs silliness.  Leveraging the data that FF has collected through who-knows-how-many user charts, the system checks your signs or symptoms (such as nausea, headache, etc.) against those experienced in charts that result in pregnancy.  The algorithm then spits out a pregnancy probability for your current chart.

As if we don't have enough stupid things to obsess over, now I have a pregnancy probability.  Great.

This has been in place for a few months, so I don't know why I am just now getting around to ranting about it.  But I hate this thing.  Let me tell you, the past two cycles the damn thing has given me around 80% probability of being pregnant.  WRONG!  And this cycle, which I've pretty much already written off, it's telling me I only have a 30% probability.  Awesome.  Thanks, FF!  Now if I DO end up KTFU this cycle, at least I will be able to add to the theory that has been propagated by other Nesties - that the lower your "score," the better chance you have of being KTFU!  Ha!  :P

In other news, I doped myself up with Benadryl last night, slathered myself with anti-itch cream, and was able to sleep soundly until 4 AM, when I woke up with heartburn.  The heartburn was probably due to the super hot and tasty Indian food I ate last night (yellow lentils in spinach sauce and chili naan....YUMMO), he two glasses of Pinot Grigio, and the fact that I passed out within 15 minutes of getting home from the restaurant.  Ah well.  It was all still worth it.  :)

Disclaimer: Do not follow my bad example and mix Benadryl and alcohol.  Unless, of course, you've had insomnia all week due to incessant, full body itching.  And you're willing to provide entertainment to others!  :)

Are My Cycles Regulating?

I've been so irregular for so long now that I have not bothered looking for any patterns in my cycles.  But today as I was entering my temp on FF, I realized that my last two cycles were fairly similar - I O'd on CD 25 and 26, and cycle length was 40 and 41 days.  And sure enough, this cycle I O'd on either CD 25 or 26.  Amazing!

That said, I've done a little too much Googling about late ovulation.  Apparently some doctors believe that there are problems when women O past CD 21 on a regular basis.  ::sigh::  Can I ever be normal?  I am now really interested to see what my blood test results will be after CD 3 testing next cycle.  I wonder if I will eventually end up on Clomid so I can O earlier?  I would rather avoid medication, but it sure would be nice to have more chances to conceive.

All in due time.

In other news, my Lyme seems to be flaring.  Perfect.  I get this awful generalized itching all over my body that literally wakes me up in the middle of the night because it is so bad.  I am on the verge of pursuing acupuncture because traditional doctors never seem to know how to handle my health issues.  I should just make an appointment now.  I need a swift kick in the ass.