BFN...But What Else Did I Expect?

I didn't want to get my hopes up. I told myself that the vitamins - and now chiropractic treatment - for P. would likely not result in "super sperm" that would spontaneously impregnate me. But still, I was up early yesterday morning at 10 DPO, peeing in a cup. Not even the hint of a line - not even an evap line after an hour!! But what else is new? Certainly the disappointment, pain, and self-doubt are not. And FF likes to slap me in the face by reducing my "early pregnancy signs" to 12 points. Awesome. Thanks, FF!

So what's next? P.'s second SA is on Friday. At which point we need to schedule our next consult with the RE to figure out the plan of action. I'm debating whether or not to schedule this for before or after our long 4th of July weekend, which will be spent with my pregnant sister and brother-in-law. What if we get new that I'm not ready to hear? Then after our visit would be better, I'm thinking. But I hate to push things out even farther. I don't know.

I am just terrified that we're going to be advised to proceed directly to IVF w/ICSI. I know this is not necessarily a logical fear given the fact that we still have no clue where P.'s numbers are. I should assume the best, right? How I wish I could, how I wish I could.

Anyway. So here I am, 11 DPO with spotting in full force and just waiting for AF to start. The only silver lining I can find is the fact that I seem to have O'd a few days earlier than normal -- ALMOST making a "normal" cycle, in fact. That's a good thing, right? Right? Though, having never received a positive OPK reading...of course I'm wondering if I am, in fact, ovulating? Why do I even let myself worry about this so much? Really, what's the point? I need to just pop my BuSpar and stop thinking about this sh*t.

In other news, P. made homemade vanilla ice cream this evening because I wanted it. Does he not completely rock? I love this man, I really do!

FF Is Still on Crack

I'm so over this charting crap. FF and I are both so confused by my body's signals! In fact, FF has reverted back to the faulty logic that I O'd on CD13 (yeah right, like I've ever O'd that early). From the huge temp spike I had this morning and the cramps I had on my right side last night, I would think that I O'd yesterday. But I never got a +OPK.

So what gives?

I'm so annoyed that I've really put a conscious effort into waking at the same time every morning, yet my chart is no easier to interpret than when I let myself sleep in on the weekends. Ugh. I can't believe I've been charting for over a year and a half now. This totally blows.



And...if I did O yesterday...our timing wasn't the greatest. We were doing the every other day thing really well, until yesterday. I'll just leave it at that, because I really don't want to start another pity party for myself at this point. :(

No O

Yep, just when I thought I somewhat had a handle on what my crazy body was doing... +OPK, then steadily dropping temps. Awesome. I guess I can probably chalk it up to high stress this cycle, but now I'm worried about how long this cycle might end up going. Maybe I'll still O? Who knows?

At least the RE will have recent evidence of the EPIC FAIL that is my body when we go in next month. Add the male factor, and as a couple we're just going to look like losers. Ugh. :(

Always Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

Right now I am waiting for P. to come home from his overseas business trip. He is currently scheduled to come home on Saturday, but they're having a meeting today to see whether or not they'll have to stay longer. Ugh. So I'm also waiting to hear from him on his schedule.

I'm also waiting to see if I O'd or not. I got a +OPK on Saturday, which was thrilling because I haven't been checking very diligently. I did not get EWCM, but I think I had some watery CM. But I totally screwed myself by staying up late & waking up late this weekend, so now I'm not sure if that affected my temps. Yesterday it was relatively high, so I thought maybe I'd O'd on Saturday, but this morning it was much lower. So maybe I'll O today? I don't know. And I really don't know why I am so obsessed because P. isn't here, there's been no sex, and oh by the way - apparently his swimmers won't be able to do the job right now anyway. Darn. :(

And of course I am waiting, not so patiently, for our RE appointment next month. I just got the paperwork from the doc's office in the mail and it is insane! We have to fill our about 10 pages of information. It will totally be worth it, of course, but I know getting P.'s family health history will probably be like pulling teeth. I am seriously on the verge of spilling our troubles to his mom. This would ease my ability to get health info without having to beat around the bush. And besides, I love my MIL to death and her support would be great. I haven't mentioned this to P. yet, but I would definitely ask him before I say anything.

In the midst of all this waiting, I've decided to educate myself a bit more on the whole IF thing. I actually went to the library yesterday, for the first time in years! (I spend WAY too much $$$ on books as it is, so I've drawn the line.) I am currently reading "The Male Biological Clock" by Harry Fisch, a leading urologist who specializes in IF. It's very informative for me! I just want to make sure that I have a clue about the background info before we meet with the RE so I can ask intelligent questions and ensure we don't get pushed into anything too quickly. I'm really trying to stay positive when it comes to thinking we might be able to do this naturally...but it's not always easy!

Anyway, that's all my news for today. Here's wishing everyone much more patience than I seem to possess! :)