It's Been a While

Wow...I honestly didn't realize how long it's been since I posted. I did sort of go into a bit of a depression over everything, and even stopped updating my IRL blog for a bit.

But, today is a new day. We're dealing with all that's going on, I suppose. As best as anyone in this situation can be expected to deal, anyway.

There has been more "excitement" in our IF world since I last posted. P. saw the urologist and received confirmation that he has a varicocele. He doesn't necessarily recommend surgery, which is probably good considering P. passes out at the mere sight of a needle (OK, I'm exaggerating a bit here).

And then the urologist decided to draw P.'s hormone levels when I pointed out that nobody has looked at them. It seemed to be a last-ditch, make-the-wife-happy sort of thing. And though we don't have official results yet, the office did call P. and insisted that he come back in to talk to the doctor. They wouldn't tell him the results over the phone.

I've had enough experience with this sort of crap to know that means something is "off" in his levels. So right now I am holding out a smidgen of hope that there may be something the doctor can give us that will help even a little bit. I can't let go of the tiny shreds of hope that I find here and there. I just can't.

More soon.

Facebook Strikes Again

This morning I found out that we'll have a nephew in December. Thanks to my sister's sister-in-law who announced it in her FB status.

I wonder if my sister hasn't called me about this because of the solemn nature of the news that P. and I received this week?

I told my parents about it (our bad news) last night, over the phone. I cried for the first time since our RE appointment. And when it started, it came out for about 2 hours. I tried not to do it in front of P., but I failed.

BFN...But What Else Did I Expect?

I didn't want to get my hopes up. I told myself that the vitamins - and now chiropractic treatment - for P. would likely not result in "super sperm" that would spontaneously impregnate me. But still, I was up early yesterday morning at 10 DPO, peeing in a cup. Not even the hint of a line - not even an evap line after an hour!! But what else is new? Certainly the disappointment, pain, and self-doubt are not. And FF likes to slap me in the face by reducing my "early pregnancy signs" to 12 points. Awesome. Thanks, FF!

So what's next? P.'s second SA is on Friday. At which point we need to schedule our next consult with the RE to figure out the plan of action. I'm debating whether or not to schedule this for before or after our long 4th of July weekend, which will be spent with my pregnant sister and brother-in-law. What if we get new that I'm not ready to hear? Then after our visit would be better, I'm thinking. But I hate to push things out even farther. I don't know.

I am just terrified that we're going to be advised to proceed directly to IVF w/ICSI. I know this is not necessarily a logical fear given the fact that we still have no clue where P.'s numbers are. I should assume the best, right? How I wish I could, how I wish I could.

Anyway. So here I am, 11 DPO with spotting in full force and just waiting for AF to start. The only silver lining I can find is the fact that I seem to have O'd a few days earlier than normal -- ALMOST making a "normal" cycle, in fact. That's a good thing, right? Right? Though, having never received a positive OPK reading...of course I'm wondering if I am, in fact, ovulating? Why do I even let myself worry about this so much? Really, what's the point? I need to just pop my BuSpar and stop thinking about this sh*t.

In other news, P. made homemade vanilla ice cream this evening because I wanted it. Does he not completely rock? I love this man, I really do!

You'd Think I'd Learn...

...to stop getting my hopes up every cycle. But do I? Of course not. I sit here staring at my FF chart half the day. Temp dip, temp rise... Good signs, right?

Ugh. Somebody smack me. Seriously.

In other news: my new happy pills are pretty interesting. I take them twice a day. About 45 minutes after taking them, I start feeling this strange combination of floating, sleepiness and calm. It's actually pretty nice. This morning I was on a teleconference in which there were words being exchanged that normally would have sent me over the edge. Today? Nada. I was cool as a cucumber. I remember thinking, "Man, this would normally piss me off to no end." Yet, I didn't have the same reaction as usual. Sweet!

Also, my sister "came out" on facebook about her pregnancy yesterday. I had mixed feelings about this. First, most of her friends already knew, so it probably didn't surprise anyone. But the IF part of me had the punch-to-the-gut reaction. Like, "Really? You had to proclaim this on facebook?" I would never admit this to her. ::sigh:: I am pathetic.

When's it time for my next dose of BuSpar? :)

Hung.Over.

Someone drank a little too much white wine with her fabulous sushi last night. Any guesses as to who might be the culprit? ::sarcasm:: Yeah, the fog is still hanging around my head at 3:30 PM. Oops.

Almost every cycle, P. and I go through this ritual of going out for sushi and sashimi "just in case" I get knocked up and won't be able to indulge again for 9 months. Yesterday wasn't really a conscious effort in this department; it just sort of happened. Still, just thinking about the old days of high hopes during each cycle makes me feel a little naive.

Anywho. I have no idea if my temp was reliable this morning or not, given: (1) the drinking, and (2) the fact that I woke up around 2:00 and couldn't fall back to sleep (thank you, headache + dehydration). But it was .1 degree higher than yesterday's.

In other news, I haven't heard back from the company that interviewed me last week. So I'm guessing I won't be invited back for another interview. In all honesty, it's a management position and I can say pretty confidently that I am OVER management stuff. I haven't even done that much of it, but I hate the managerial responsibilities of my current job immensely.

And proof that I have officially gone insane: I enthusiastically applied for a position that pays less than half of what I currently make. But it sounds almost like my dream job. And I've definitely discovered that money doesn't buy happiness. I need a job that helps me stay happy and positive. So there it is. I did receive a personal email response from the hiring manager within a couple hours of emailing my application, resume and cover letter. That's always a good sign.

In my fantasy world, I'd be offered a new job next week so I could put in my 2 week notice and NOT have to begin the nightmarish travel schedule demanded of me this summer by my current job. But when do things IRL ever work out like they do in my fantasy world? ::sigh::

Hey, at least it's the weekend. I think I'm going to sneak a nap before P. gets home from work. So.Exhausted.

No O

Yep, just when I thought I somewhat had a handle on what my crazy body was doing... +OPK, then steadily dropping temps. Awesome. I guess I can probably chalk it up to high stress this cycle, but now I'm worried about how long this cycle might end up going. Maybe I'll still O? Who knows?

At least the RE will have recent evidence of the EPIC FAIL that is my body when we go in next month. Add the male factor, and as a couple we're just going to look like losers. Ugh. :(

I am so Selfish

Yesterday I had a voicemail from my sister - she told our parents the good news yesterday! She sounded much more excited in her message, so everything must be sinking in now. :)

That said, I am kind of laying low and I hate to admit that I don't want to talk to my parents about it yet. I know they're going to be so excited, and that's great - but I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together if I talk to them about it. Additionally, I have talked to my mom about our struggles so far, I don't know if she's told my dad or not (I'm guessing no, but I could be wrong), and I don't want to talk about how badly she feels for us. Because I know she will be keenly aware of how I am feeling. And I love her for that, but I'm not ready to talk about it.

So now I feel selfish because I've already planned to avoid talking to anyone until at least this weekend. Which will be easy to do since I've been filling my schedule more and more as I've felt emptier and emptier over the past few weeks.

Yet here I am, typing out my self pity in the blogosphere for nobody to read except myself. Sad.

But in other news, I saw my acupuncture doc again yesterday and since my general health is better, he wants to focus on my fertility now. Which is good. :) I started evening primrose oil yesterday for my [lack of] CM situation. He also placed some needles - with electricity - around my stomach and abdomen to stimulate my ovaries. He seems hopeful that I will ovulate earlier this cycle, so we'll see. That would be fantastic. I will keep my fingers crossed.