Is Anybody Out There?

Wow. I almost completely forgot about this blog. Seriously.

The reason I've neglected it so? I have ZERO to report on the baby front. Absolutely zero.

We did confirm that P's testosterone levels are low. He started testosterone supplements. He's on thyroid replacement therapy for his underactive thyroid. We saw an endocrinologist who then took him OFF the testosterone because he said it was contradictory to our quest to get pregnant.

And then... P. had a stroke. My 33 year old husband had a STROKE.

This is not something I would have expected, of course. And it happened while I was out of town on business. (I'll live with that strange guilt the rest of my life.)

This happened in October. He's been through a bazillion tests since. Turns out he has a hole in his heart. He's actually having surgery to close it in 2 weeks, which is good.

But all thoughts of having a child have obviously fallen by the wayside in light of all this. And honestly, I've pretty much given up on the prospect. I know that sounds depressing and all...and I suppose it really is. I've been filling my time with other pursuits, which makes all of that easier to forget. But I realize I'm probably causing myself some future mental anguish, and I probably should get my rear to some sort of therapy. I suppose.

Or maybe I'm really OK with everything? Who knows? All that really matters at this point is getting P. healthy. Hopefully we can accomplish that this year.

Before I popped in here to type, I quickly checked some of the IF blogs I used to read diligently. (Gawd, I haven't logged into The Nest/TTTC board in a million years.) I'm so sad to see there isn't a whole lot of good news out there. I really hope that everyone out there gets what they want. Truly. We all deserve it. Good luck to you all!

Can't promise I'll post again anytime real soon, but at least my memory has returned as far as recognizing that I have this blog out here. :-)

It's Been a While

Wow...I honestly didn't realize how long it's been since I posted. I did sort of go into a bit of a depression over everything, and even stopped updating my IRL blog for a bit.

But, today is a new day. We're dealing with all that's going on, I suppose. As best as anyone in this situation can be expected to deal, anyway.

There has been more "excitement" in our IF world since I last posted. P. saw the urologist and received confirmation that he has a varicocele. He doesn't necessarily recommend surgery, which is probably good considering P. passes out at the mere sight of a needle (OK, I'm exaggerating a bit here).

And then the urologist decided to draw P.'s hormone levels when I pointed out that nobody has looked at them. It seemed to be a last-ditch, make-the-wife-happy sort of thing. And though we don't have official results yet, the office did call P. and insisted that he come back in to talk to the doctor. They wouldn't tell him the results over the phone.

I've had enough experience with this sort of crap to know that means something is "off" in his levels. So right now I am holding out a smidgen of hope that there may be something the doctor can give us that will help even a little bit. I can't let go of the tiny shreds of hope that I find here and there. I just can't.

More soon.

Severe MFI

And there it is, we have the Dx that we were hoping not to have. :(

I'm still pretty numb, even though I had fully prepared myself for bad news. The counts were SO much lower than I was expecting, though; I was really thinking they would be borderline. P. had a hernia when he was born and had surgery within days of birth. Come to find out, this is probably the very thing that has caused his IF.

So what's next? Our RE basically said there is no point in trying anything other than IVF w/ICSI. He gave us a chance of less than 5% with IUI, and 65% with IVF and ICSI.

I just don't know for sure how I feel about IVF yet. More than anything, I just can't imagine how amplified the emotional roller coaster would be once we cross that line. When not only are you praying for a BFP, but you're spending thousands of dollars and investing hours into monitoring appointments and self injections.

Am I strong enough for all of this?

If we do it, I am leaning toward a split donation cycle -- where I would donate half my eggs during our IVF cycle. This would reduce the cost by half, but more importantly it would enable me to help someone else. And quite honestly, I'm pretty sure there is no way that I could handle more than one cycle of IVF. Not only would we be spending money that could be saved toward adoption (down the road), but I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle everything else involved.

Ugh. I really, really hate this. I also hate the fact that P. is calling himself "faulty" and feeling as though all of this is his fault. I know that everything happens for a reason and that God has a greater plan for us, but really? I can't help but think this is so unfair, though it happens to millions of other couples. :( I just wish we all could have it as easy as others!

Seeking Professional Help

I've decided that I need professional help. I'm not ashamed. Between HATING my job to the point where I nearly resigned yesterday, and the whole IF BS...I think it's only normal that I'm having panic attacks and bouts of depression. Well, normal for my genetic makeup, anyway.

Let me give you a family run-down. My grandmother is bipolar. My grandfather is clinically depressed. My mom has been clinically depressed and on medication as long as I can remember. And my sister has been diagnosed with anxiety problems. P. also has anxiety issues, but has been off meds since about a year after we started dating.

Me? I was diagnosed as clinically depressed about 10 years ago and did a year on Prozac. Loved the way I felt on Prozac, but hated the lethargy and weight gain. Took myself off it and never looked back (kids, don't try this at home -- against all doctor recommendations!).

Anyway. So I tried to make an appointment directly with a psychiatrist, but they couldn't get me in until September. WTF?? I have mental issues, but you can't see me until September? I was tempted to embellish my story, but decided that might get me more than I bargained for. So I called my GP and can see them tomorrow. That's good. I need medication, people, and I need it now. I just hope there is something they can give me that will be safe for potential pregnancy. (Potential...argh.)

And just so we're clear... I am not the type of person who would automatically resort to medication. That's not me. I've been diligently going to yoga, working out, getting acupuncture, going to church...trying all the great activities that would normally help me through times like this. If I were healthy. But apparently, I'm not healthy right now. So I give in. Because I just can't do it on my own anymore. Feel free to judge or weigh in. I've got no issues with my decision.

Another Punch to the Gut

I've been anxiously awaiting some correspondence via snail mail for the past couple weeks. I'll save that explanation for another time, but the general idea is important to understand. So yesterday afternoon, despite the fact we were having a torrential downpour, I literally ran out to the mail box after I heard the truck go by.

I get back into the house, thoroughly drenched. Yet I tear excitedly through the stack of mail, coming to the last piece in disappointment because what I've been waiting for has not arrived.

And what, pray tell, is this last piece of mail? Nothing other than a brochure from Blue Cross/Blue Shield (my health insurance provider) that asks - on the cover, in big bold letters - "Could a baby be in your future?" And then goes on to explain that as soon as I find out I am pregnant, I should call their advice line to get tips for maintaining a healthy pregnancy.

What.the.&%$#?? BC/BS - you guys know better than anyone that I am seeing an RE. Therefore, if you had an iota of common sense and/or sensitivity, you'd realize that sending this propaganda to someone who's experiencing IF might not be the best idea ever. Thanks for further inundating me with pregnant belly overload; as if I don't see cute baby bumps every time I leave the house, now you've made sure the images can penetrate my fortress of solitude. I have nowhere to hide and be alone with my empty ute.

::sobs::

SA Results

They're in. And because my OB/GYN's office called ME (instead of me tracking them down), I knew before the nurse even told me that they were not good. The verdict: Low count, low motility. ::sigh::

So she gave us three options:

1. Just wait a month and run the SA again (I wasn't wild about this one since I knew this would result from the next two anyway...)

2. Have P. go directly to a urologist.

3. Both of us see an RE.

I was initially confused about whether 2 or 3 would be best. Not knowing where to turn for answers, I posted my very first question/intro on the Bump's Trouble Trying to Conceive (TTTC) board. Feeling like a complete rookie despite having lurked there for well over a month, I posted and waited to b flamed. Instead, these awesome ladies gave me some great input & made me feel very welcome. That made me feel like I wasn't alone & I had somewhere to turn for support, which was a small miracle in itself!

So with the input from the fantastic TTTC ladies and after talking to P., we decided to see an RE first and see if he has a urologist that he works with for IF. I think it will be good for us to be under the care of the RE, who can look at our issues as a couple, rather than just continuing to see separate specialists for everything. Besides, I'm not convinced that I'm off the hook with my own issues, given my late ovulation.

Luckily, the nurse gave me the name of the RE they prefer to work with, and it wasn't hard to set up a consultation there. We go in on May 12, assuming the limbo that is my career doesn't get in the way with travel during that week. So now I just need to make it until then!

In other news, I've completely gotten over my own sadness when discussing my sister's pregnancy with her, and that makes me happy. I even told her today about the SA results & having to see the RE. I am so thankful that I am able to see beyond my own issues and not let them get in the way of my relationship with my sister, because she truly is my best friend besides P.

So all in all, I guess today is a good day...because at least I'm getting somewhere. I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not even allowing myself to think about the "what-if's" with regard to how bad the semen situation might be; I just need to hold on to some hope for the time being.

ETA: P. took the news surprisingly well. I thought that hearing that his swimmers weren't completely up to par was going to crush his fragile male ego, but I forgot: he is one of those guys who seems to have no feelings at times! His response: "Stuff like this happens. I'll work with a doctor and try to get it fixed quickly." Ahhhh...God love him! I wish I could be so laid back about all of this, I really do!