RE Office FAIL

So I caved and called the RE's office from the airport on Friday, in an attempt to get the results of P.'s second SA. Any guesses as to what transpired?

After sitting on hold for a LONG time (well, maybe 5 minutes), the receptionist said in an annoyingly cheerful voice: "The doctor hasn't had a chance to review your results yet. But that's OK; they will be available when you come in for your appointment on the seventh."

Me: "Um...but...the tech told my husband to call back yesterday to get the results."

Receptionist: "Those results will be ready for your appointment. Have a great weekend!"

Argh. So I was all prepared to get some real numbers and do a little research, going to our appointment with a vague clue of what to expect. Instead, we're going in blind.

I guess the silver lining is that I won't spend my precious long weekend researching that crap. Instead, I'll probably spend it drunk as a skunk to keep myself from worrying about the upcoming appointment. RE Office FAIL!

I Just Realized...

...that with my travel schedule for work this summer - and our big vacation for our 5th anniversary in August/September - that if the RE wants to start cycling us, we won't really be able to start until October. October?! Noooooo!!!

Let me tell you, I am NOT a patient person. Infertility is definitely NOT for impatient, Type A personalities like myself. :(

I don't know. When we go back for our 2nd consult and "game plan" appointment with the RE (likely right before or after 4th of July), I'll have to bring my planner so we can discuss my crazy schedule. Maybe he can start me on Clomid and P. and I can attempt TI (though it's kind of hard to get TI right when the two partners will be separated often!). But then again, even with Clomid I'd need to be around for monitoring, wouldn't I?

Argh. I am so frustrated with my travel schedule right now. And I am so worried that when we go back to the RE, he's going to tell us IVF is our only option anyway. I so need to stop stressing over things that I simply can't control (easier said than done!).

Anyway. In other news, I had a serious talk with my manager yesterday. I told her all the things that I see as "going awry" in our organization, why I am hating work, the fact that I had to go on anti-anxiety meds, and eventually told her I'd give this job until the end of July. That's when I will make an assessment as to whether I can stick it out, or if I need to find something else. She was really great about it and took responsibility for poor communication and other issues. She also made concessions to try to help me in the short term. And she assured me she would touch base with a local manager to see if they have a position that might work for me. We'll see if all this comes to fruition or not. This will be one of the litmus tests for my assessment at the end of July.

In the meantime, back to the stress of the daily grind. I get to go to southern VA on a business trip next week - lucky me! ::sarcasm:: I guess that's a problem with me living in beautiful, sunny Florida -- I never want to leave. :)

OH. And also? Today is CD2. :( Yesterday I woke up with the WORST.CRAMPS.EVER. Compete suckage, I tell you.

You'd Think I'd Learn...

...to stop getting my hopes up every cycle. But do I? Of course not. I sit here staring at my FF chart half the day. Temp dip, temp rise... Good signs, right?

Ugh. Somebody smack me. Seriously.

In other news: my new happy pills are pretty interesting. I take them twice a day. About 45 minutes after taking them, I start feeling this strange combination of floating, sleepiness and calm. It's actually pretty nice. This morning I was on a teleconference in which there were words being exchanged that normally would have sent me over the edge. Today? Nada. I was cool as a cucumber. I remember thinking, "Man, this would normally piss me off to no end." Yet, I didn't have the same reaction as usual. Sweet!

Also, my sister "came out" on facebook about her pregnancy yesterday. I had mixed feelings about this. First, most of her friends already knew, so it probably didn't surprise anyone. But the IF part of me had the punch-to-the-gut reaction. Like, "Really? You had to proclaim this on facebook?" I would never admit this to her. ::sigh:: I am pathetic.

When's it time for my next dose of BuSpar? :)

Happy Pills

My doctor ended up prescribing BuSpar to me today, and it is supposed to help with both anxiety and depression. And it's one of the very few medications that is rated category "B" for pregnancy. So there we go. I have my fingers crossed that this will help me get through the days with some happiness again!

In other news, my sister is officially in her second trimester! I've debated "announcing" this on my IRL blog ~ she said doesn't care either way. Eh, we'll see. She went off her anxiety and depression meds for her pregnancy, but she says she is dealing with some major depression now. That makes me so sad that she hasn't felt very excited about her pregnancy for quite some time. :( But I totally understand that it must be hard for her, withdrawing from her meds after being on them for YEARS. She's going to talk to her OB about getting back on something safe for pregnancy. Maybe we'll end up on the same meds. Who knows?

I honestly think that my sister had a hope tucked away, that she and I would be pregnant at the same time. I would have loved that, too. But as I explained to her, this is not something I can control. :( Oh well.

In other news, supposedly today is 7DPO. I feel crampy and dizzy. Fun times.

Seeking Professional Help

I've decided that I need professional help. I'm not ashamed. Between HATING my job to the point where I nearly resigned yesterday, and the whole IF BS...I think it's only normal that I'm having panic attacks and bouts of depression. Well, normal for my genetic makeup, anyway.

Let me give you a family run-down. My grandmother is bipolar. My grandfather is clinically depressed. My mom has been clinically depressed and on medication as long as I can remember. And my sister has been diagnosed with anxiety problems. P. also has anxiety issues, but has been off meds since about a year after we started dating.

Me? I was diagnosed as clinically depressed about 10 years ago and did a year on Prozac. Loved the way I felt on Prozac, but hated the lethargy and weight gain. Took myself off it and never looked back (kids, don't try this at home -- against all doctor recommendations!).

Anyway. So I tried to make an appointment directly with a psychiatrist, but they couldn't get me in until September. WTF?? I have mental issues, but you can't see me until September? I was tempted to embellish my story, but decided that might get me more than I bargained for. So I called my GP and can see them tomorrow. That's good. I need medication, people, and I need it now. I just hope there is something they can give me that will be safe for potential pregnancy. (Potential...argh.)

And just so we're clear... I am not the type of person who would automatically resort to medication. That's not me. I've been diligently going to yoga, working out, getting acupuncture, going to church...trying all the great activities that would normally help me through times like this. If I were healthy. But apparently, I'm not healthy right now. So I give in. Because I just can't do it on my own anymore. Feel free to judge or weigh in. I've got no issues with my decision.

Trepidation

Confession: I am beyond nervous about the RE appointment on Tuesday. I am so afraid that he is going to tell us the SA #'s are so low that IVF is our only option. I know I am not being reasonable by allowing this line of thinking to take place, but yet here I am.

Perhaps I've freaked myself out by reading 3 books about IF in the past week? Yet somehow, I don't think that arming myself with information is a bad thing. What bothers me is the fact that I still have no clue what I think about IVF for us. I know we would be mostly OOP (out of pocket) for that & despite our good salaries, I'm just not sure about the financial and emotional strain of such a prospect.

I need to stop thinking about it and just get through the darn appointment!

I also plan on discussing stress/anxiety with the RE. Because between this IF BS and the hell that is my job, I seriously don't think I can continue making it through the days without medication. I am being 100% serious here. I eat clean, work out, do yoga and relaxation exercises, and still I am an emotional wreck. This is not good.

OK...T-minus 41 hours until we meet with the RE. I can make it...

Also - FF is on crack. I did not ovulate when it thinks I did. I also have no idea when AF will show up due to this fact.