You'd Think I'd Learn...

...to stop getting my hopes up every cycle. But do I? Of course not. I sit here staring at my FF chart half the day. Temp dip, temp rise... Good signs, right?

Ugh. Somebody smack me. Seriously.

In other news: my new happy pills are pretty interesting. I take them twice a day. About 45 minutes after taking them, I start feeling this strange combination of floating, sleepiness and calm. It's actually pretty nice. This morning I was on a teleconference in which there were words being exchanged that normally would have sent me over the edge. Today? Nada. I was cool as a cucumber. I remember thinking, "Man, this would normally piss me off to no end." Yet, I didn't have the same reaction as usual. Sweet!

Also, my sister "came out" on facebook about her pregnancy yesterday. I had mixed feelings about this. First, most of her friends already knew, so it probably didn't surprise anyone. But the IF part of me had the punch-to-the-gut reaction. Like, "Really? You had to proclaim this on facebook?" I would never admit this to her. ::sigh:: I am pathetic.

When's it time for my next dose of BuSpar? :)

Happy Pills

My doctor ended up prescribing BuSpar to me today, and it is supposed to help with both anxiety and depression. And it's one of the very few medications that is rated category "B" for pregnancy. So there we go. I have my fingers crossed that this will help me get through the days with some happiness again!

In other news, my sister is officially in her second trimester! I've debated "announcing" this on my IRL blog ~ she said doesn't care either way. Eh, we'll see. She went off her anxiety and depression meds for her pregnancy, but she says she is dealing with some major depression now. That makes me so sad that she hasn't felt very excited about her pregnancy for quite some time. :( But I totally understand that it must be hard for her, withdrawing from her meds after being on them for YEARS. She's going to talk to her OB about getting back on something safe for pregnancy. Maybe we'll end up on the same meds. Who knows?

I honestly think that my sister had a hope tucked away, that she and I would be pregnant at the same time. I would have loved that, too. But as I explained to her, this is not something I can control. :( Oh well.

In other news, supposedly today is 7DPO. I feel crampy and dizzy. Fun times.

Seeking Professional Help

I've decided that I need professional help. I'm not ashamed. Between HATING my job to the point where I nearly resigned yesterday, and the whole IF BS...I think it's only normal that I'm having panic attacks and bouts of depression. Well, normal for my genetic makeup, anyway.

Let me give you a family run-down. My grandmother is bipolar. My grandfather is clinically depressed. My mom has been clinically depressed and on medication as long as I can remember. And my sister has been diagnosed with anxiety problems. P. also has anxiety issues, but has been off meds since about a year after we started dating.

Me? I was diagnosed as clinically depressed about 10 years ago and did a year on Prozac. Loved the way I felt on Prozac, but hated the lethargy and weight gain. Took myself off it and never looked back (kids, don't try this at home -- against all doctor recommendations!).

Anyway. So I tried to make an appointment directly with a psychiatrist, but they couldn't get me in until September. WTF?? I have mental issues, but you can't see me until September? I was tempted to embellish my story, but decided that might get me more than I bargained for. So I called my GP and can see them tomorrow. That's good. I need medication, people, and I need it now. I just hope there is something they can give me that will be safe for potential pregnancy. (Potential...argh.)

And just so we're clear... I am not the type of person who would automatically resort to medication. That's not me. I've been diligently going to yoga, working out, getting acupuncture, going to church...trying all the great activities that would normally help me through times like this. If I were healthy. But apparently, I'm not healthy right now. So I give in. Because I just can't do it on my own anymore. Feel free to judge or weigh in. I've got no issues with my decision.