Trepidation

Confession: I am beyond nervous about the RE appointment on Tuesday. I am so afraid that he is going to tell us the SA #'s are so low that IVF is our only option. I know I am not being reasonable by allowing this line of thinking to take place, but yet here I am.

Perhaps I've freaked myself out by reading 3 books about IF in the past week? Yet somehow, I don't think that arming myself with information is a bad thing. What bothers me is the fact that I still have no clue what I think about IVF for us. I know we would be mostly OOP (out of pocket) for that & despite our good salaries, I'm just not sure about the financial and emotional strain of such a prospect.

I need to stop thinking about it and just get through the darn appointment!

I also plan on discussing stress/anxiety with the RE. Because between this IF BS and the hell that is my job, I seriously don't think I can continue making it through the days without medication. I am being 100% serious here. I eat clean, work out, do yoga and relaxation exercises, and still I am an emotional wreck. This is not good.

OK...T-minus 41 hours until we meet with the RE. I can make it...

Also - FF is on crack. I did not ovulate when it thinks I did. I also have no idea when AF will show up due to this fact.

Always Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

Right now I am waiting for P. to come home from his overseas business trip. He is currently scheduled to come home on Saturday, but they're having a meeting today to see whether or not they'll have to stay longer. Ugh. So I'm also waiting to hear from him on his schedule.

I'm also waiting to see if I O'd or not. I got a +OPK on Saturday, which was thrilling because I haven't been checking very diligently. I did not get EWCM, but I think I had some watery CM. But I totally screwed myself by staying up late & waking up late this weekend, so now I'm not sure if that affected my temps. Yesterday it was relatively high, so I thought maybe I'd O'd on Saturday, but this morning it was much lower. So maybe I'll O today? I don't know. And I really don't know why I am so obsessed because P. isn't here, there's been no sex, and oh by the way - apparently his swimmers won't be able to do the job right now anyway. Darn. :(

And of course I am waiting, not so patiently, for our RE appointment next month. I just got the paperwork from the doc's office in the mail and it is insane! We have to fill our about 10 pages of information. It will totally be worth it, of course, but I know getting P.'s family health history will probably be like pulling teeth. I am seriously on the verge of spilling our troubles to his mom. This would ease my ability to get health info without having to beat around the bush. And besides, I love my MIL to death and her support would be great. I haven't mentioned this to P. yet, but I would definitely ask him before I say anything.

In the midst of all this waiting, I've decided to educate myself a bit more on the whole IF thing. I actually went to the library yesterday, for the first time in years! (I spend WAY too much $$$ on books as it is, so I've drawn the line.) I am currently reading "The Male Biological Clock" by Harry Fisch, a leading urologist who specializes in IF. It's very informative for me! I just want to make sure that I have a clue about the background info before we meet with the RE so I can ask intelligent questions and ensure we don't get pushed into anything too quickly. I'm really trying to stay positive when it comes to thinking we might be able to do this naturally...but it's not always easy!

Anyway, that's all my news for today. Here's wishing everyone much more patience than I seem to possess! :)