BFN...But What Else Did I Expect?

I didn't want to get my hopes up. I told myself that the vitamins - and now chiropractic treatment - for P. would likely not result in "super sperm" that would spontaneously impregnate me. But still, I was up early yesterday morning at 10 DPO, peeing in a cup. Not even the hint of a line - not even an evap line after an hour!! But what else is new? Certainly the disappointment, pain, and self-doubt are not. And FF likes to slap me in the face by reducing my "early pregnancy signs" to 12 points. Awesome. Thanks, FF!

So what's next? P.'s second SA is on Friday. At which point we need to schedule our next consult with the RE to figure out the plan of action. I'm debating whether or not to schedule this for before or after our long 4th of July weekend, which will be spent with my pregnant sister and brother-in-law. What if we get new that I'm not ready to hear? Then after our visit would be better, I'm thinking. But I hate to push things out even farther. I don't know.

I am just terrified that we're going to be advised to proceed directly to IVF w/ICSI. I know this is not necessarily a logical fear given the fact that we still have no clue where P.'s numbers are. I should assume the best, right? How I wish I could, how I wish I could.

Anyway. So here I am, 11 DPO with spotting in full force and just waiting for AF to start. The only silver lining I can find is the fact that I seem to have O'd a few days earlier than normal -- ALMOST making a "normal" cycle, in fact. That's a good thing, right? Right? Though, having never received a positive OPK reading...of course I'm wondering if I am, in fact, ovulating? Why do I even let myself worry about this so much? Really, what's the point? I need to just pop my BuSpar and stop thinking about this sh*t.

In other news, P. made homemade vanilla ice cream this evening because I wanted it. Does he not completely rock? I love this man, I really do!

FF Is Still on Crack

I'm so over this charting crap. FF and I are both so confused by my body's signals! In fact, FF has reverted back to the faulty logic that I O'd on CD13 (yeah right, like I've ever O'd that early). From the huge temp spike I had this morning and the cramps I had on my right side last night, I would think that I O'd yesterday. But I never got a +OPK.

So what gives?

I'm so annoyed that I've really put a conscious effort into waking at the same time every morning, yet my chart is no easier to interpret than when I let myself sleep in on the weekends. Ugh. I can't believe I've been charting for over a year and a half now. This totally blows.



And...if I did O yesterday...our timing wasn't the greatest. We were doing the every other day thing really well, until yesterday. I'll just leave it at that, because I really don't want to start another pity party for myself at this point. :(

Ugh

I am just feeling so blah right now. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm in the midst of what's going to be either a very long cycle, or an annovulatory one. Plus, my skin went completely psycho about 3 days ago and I have zits absolutely everywhere. I normally break out right around O and again when PMSing (isn't life grand), but it's a real b*tch when O is delayed or doesn't come at all. It's like my body decides to kick me while I'm down. Lovely.

And because my life is full of craptastic news lately: my job is now in jeopardy. Sort of. I can't complain too much because my employer is really good about preventing layoffs, and management does everything possible to move people to new projects. So now my manager is working with another manager to try to get me on another project - at least temporarily. It's a project that I really had no desire to be a part of, but considering the fact that my salary is equal to P.'s...well, I simply can't afford to be picky at this point.

I hope it gets resolved soon because my current project only has funding for me through today. Then I have to use all my accrued vacation time next week. After that, I don't know where it leaves me. You can bet your bottom dollar I will be spending my extra time next week madly applying for other jobs...but given the fact that I've yet to even be called for an interview for any of the multitudes of jobs I've applied for over the past six months...yeah, not looking so good.

::sigh::

When it rains, it really pours.

Just had to vent a little. I don't discuss my job in my "real life" blog, so I felt this was as good a place to vent as any other!

Looking Forward to this Week

I'm trying to be positive about this week and its potential!

First, I have an appointment with a nurse practitioner on Tuesday morning to discuss the...errrr...digestive problems I've been experiencing for the past few weeks.  I called on Friday morning after vomiting, and wouldn't you know that my stomach has been acting more normal since then?  Well, with the exception of not being able to eat much food without feeling ill.  I guess it's good to get in anyway, even if there's not much she'll be able to do for me.  At the very least, I'll make a new patient appointment with the doctor that I'd like to start seeing as my GP; he works in the same office as the nurse practitioner, which is how I found her in the first place.

And second, I have the aforementioned acupuncture appointment on Thursday.  I am very excited about that.  I just hope the acupuncture doc isn't overwhelmed by my complaints -- digestive problems, itching all over my body, wacky menstrual cycles, OH MY!  I found this acupuncturist via good online reviews, so I have a lot of hope.  If nothing else, it will be interesting!

Other than that, not too much.  P's going out of town for work for the week tomorrow.  Our living room furniture gets delivered Wednesday.  As much as I dislike being by myself, part of me is looking forward to a few days alone.  I'm envisioning some yoga sessions in the living room, fun solo walks with the dogs, maybe a chick flick or two.  :)  What sucks is when P comes home this weekend, I fly out a few hours later for a business trip.  However, we're both playing hooky Friday the 13th and have an excellent dinner planned on the town.  And we have fun plans for Valentine's Day as well.  And, if my wacky cycles stay somewhat consistent this time...I should be O'ing right around that time.  Here's to hoping it works out (and I don't end up O'ing while we're apart)!