BFN...But What Else Did I Expect?

I didn't want to get my hopes up. I told myself that the vitamins - and now chiropractic treatment - for P. would likely not result in "super sperm" that would spontaneously impregnate me. But still, I was up early yesterday morning at 10 DPO, peeing in a cup. Not even the hint of a line - not even an evap line after an hour!! But what else is new? Certainly the disappointment, pain, and self-doubt are not. And FF likes to slap me in the face by reducing my "early pregnancy signs" to 12 points. Awesome. Thanks, FF!

So what's next? P.'s second SA is on Friday. At which point we need to schedule our next consult with the RE to figure out the plan of action. I'm debating whether or not to schedule this for before or after our long 4th of July weekend, which will be spent with my pregnant sister and brother-in-law. What if we get new that I'm not ready to hear? Then after our visit would be better, I'm thinking. But I hate to push things out even farther. I don't know.

I am just terrified that we're going to be advised to proceed directly to IVF w/ICSI. I know this is not necessarily a logical fear given the fact that we still have no clue where P.'s numbers are. I should assume the best, right? How I wish I could, how I wish I could.

Anyway. So here I am, 11 DPO with spotting in full force and just waiting for AF to start. The only silver lining I can find is the fact that I seem to have O'd a few days earlier than normal -- ALMOST making a "normal" cycle, in fact. That's a good thing, right? Right? Though, having never received a positive OPK reading...of course I'm wondering if I am, in fact, ovulating? Why do I even let myself worry about this so much? Really, what's the point? I need to just pop my BuSpar and stop thinking about this sh*t.

In other news, P. made homemade vanilla ice cream this evening because I wanted it. Does he not completely rock? I love this man, I really do!

The State of my CM

Because I am sure that everyone wants to know!

I don't know if it's because I recently had the HSG, or because I've been taking my Evening Primrose Oil supplements religiously...but either way, I've noticed significant improvement in the quality of my CM this month! So with the high hopes that perhaps P.'s vitamins are helping...we've been getting busy every other day in anticipation of ovulation. We're trying to keep it fun and lighthearted (easier said than done), but I already know that I will be dealing with extreme disappointment should I see another BFN this month.

Because now I know that each BFN brings me closer and closer to medical intervention that I was so hoping to avoid in this journey.

Right now, I'm not ready to give up on the idea that we can do this on our own.

By the way, today is CD21. I hope that I O very soon - earlier than usual would be really nice.

Ugh

I am just feeling so blah right now. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm in the midst of what's going to be either a very long cycle, or an annovulatory one. Plus, my skin went completely psycho about 3 days ago and I have zits absolutely everywhere. I normally break out right around O and again when PMSing (isn't life grand), but it's a real b*tch when O is delayed or doesn't come at all. It's like my body decides to kick me while I'm down. Lovely.

And because my life is full of craptastic news lately: my job is now in jeopardy. Sort of. I can't complain too much because my employer is really good about preventing layoffs, and management does everything possible to move people to new projects. So now my manager is working with another manager to try to get me on another project - at least temporarily. It's a project that I really had no desire to be a part of, but considering the fact that my salary is equal to P.'s...well, I simply can't afford to be picky at this point.

I hope it gets resolved soon because my current project only has funding for me through today. Then I have to use all my accrued vacation time next week. After that, I don't know where it leaves me. You can bet your bottom dollar I will be spending my extra time next week madly applying for other jobs...but given the fact that I've yet to even be called for an interview for any of the multitudes of jobs I've applied for over the past six months...yeah, not looking so good.

::sigh::

When it rains, it really pours.

Just had to vent a little. I don't discuss my job in my "real life" blog, so I felt this was as good a place to vent as any other!

No O

Yep, just when I thought I somewhat had a handle on what my crazy body was doing... +OPK, then steadily dropping temps. Awesome. I guess I can probably chalk it up to high stress this cycle, but now I'm worried about how long this cycle might end up going. Maybe I'll still O? Who knows?

At least the RE will have recent evidence of the EPIC FAIL that is my body when we go in next month. Add the male factor, and as a couple we're just going to look like losers. Ugh. :(

Eff My Life

I am in such a foul mood today. First of all, I dropped P. off at the airport for his 2 week, overseas business trip. Bah. This took place after this morning's ginormously failed attempt at lovin'. I've been enthusiastically checking my CM in the hopes of an earlier - or even normal (!!!) - ovulation due to my supplements or whatever. But as usual, it's been pretty pathetic. So anyway, I sorta forgot about this when we were about to get it on this morning... Imagine my, er, embarrassment when I had nothing going on down there. So to remedy the situation, I ran to the bathroom to apply my trusty Pre-seed. Real spontaneous, romantic and fun - right? By the time I got back to bed, P. had apparently lost the urge.

So now he's gone for 2 weeks, I didn't get any, and I ended up having an emotional breakdown in the bedroom this morning thanks to this. It wasn't even going to be baby-making sex, for crying out loud! It should have just been fun! But no, I've come to find out this whole stupid TTC crap bleeds over into every aspect of our sex life, and the pressure is freaking unbearable. I am so bitter that we're going through all this while so many couples don't ever have to bother with temping, CM & CP checking, pineapple, supplements, Pre-Seed, green tea, OPKs....forever and ever, effing amen.

So Eff My Life. That's all I have to say.

By the time I start my next cycle, it will have been a year since we started TTC. The dreaded year. And to think of the hopefulness we started out with. It seems so ridiculous now.

And to add insult to freaking injury... I just got in from walking the dogs, and a little girl asked why I wouldn't let her pet my male dog. I told her it's because he's very protective of me (which is true, but honestly he seems to hate most kids and would like to chase them). She asked, "Do you have kids?" I said no. She said, "Oh! It's probably because he's never been around kids then."

The fact that a 7 or 8 year-old kid can make me come home and bawl like a baby? Absolutely pathetic.

Like I said, Eff. My. Life.

ETA: I am glad that I have copious amounts of wine chilling in the fridge right now. I think I deserve at least a glass or two and a nice hot bath. Heck, it seems like I'm always trying to console myself lately. I hate how frequent my pity parties have become.

Are My Cycles Regulating?

I've been so irregular for so long now that I have not bothered looking for any patterns in my cycles.  But today as I was entering my temp on FF, I realized that my last two cycles were fairly similar - I O'd on CD 25 and 26, and cycle length was 40 and 41 days.  And sure enough, this cycle I O'd on either CD 25 or 26.  Amazing!

That said, I've done a little too much Googling about late ovulation.  Apparently some doctors believe that there are problems when women O past CD 21 on a regular basis.  ::sigh::  Can I ever be normal?  I am now really interested to see what my blood test results will be after CD 3 testing next cycle.  I wonder if I will eventually end up on Clomid so I can O earlier?  I would rather avoid medication, but it sure would be nice to have more chances to conceive.

All in due time.

In other news, my Lyme seems to be flaring.  Perfect.  I get this awful generalized itching all over my body that literally wakes me up in the middle of the night because it is so bad.  I am on the verge of pursuing acupuncture because traditional doctors never seem to know how to handle my health issues.  I should just make an appointment now.  I need a swift kick in the ass.