Is Anybody Out There?

Wow. I almost completely forgot about this blog. Seriously.

The reason I've neglected it so? I have ZERO to report on the baby front. Absolutely zero.

We did confirm that P's testosterone levels are low. He started testosterone supplements. He's on thyroid replacement therapy for his underactive thyroid. We saw an endocrinologist who then took him OFF the testosterone because he said it was contradictory to our quest to get pregnant.

And then... P. had a stroke. My 33 year old husband had a STROKE.

This is not something I would have expected, of course. And it happened while I was out of town on business. (I'll live with that strange guilt the rest of my life.)

This happened in October. He's been through a bazillion tests since. Turns out he has a hole in his heart. He's actually having surgery to close it in 2 weeks, which is good.

But all thoughts of having a child have obviously fallen by the wayside in light of all this. And honestly, I've pretty much given up on the prospect. I know that sounds depressing and all...and I suppose it really is. I've been filling my time with other pursuits, which makes all of that easier to forget. But I realize I'm probably causing myself some future mental anguish, and I probably should get my rear to some sort of therapy. I suppose.

Or maybe I'm really OK with everything? Who knows? All that really matters at this point is getting P. healthy. Hopefully we can accomplish that this year.

Before I popped in here to type, I quickly checked some of the IF blogs I used to read diligently. (Gawd, I haven't logged into The Nest/TTTC board in a million years.) I'm so sad to see there isn't a whole lot of good news out there. I really hope that everyone out there gets what they want. Truly. We all deserve it. Good luck to you all!

Can't promise I'll post again anytime real soon, but at least my memory has returned as far as recognizing that I have this blog out here. :-)

It's Been a While

Wow...I honestly didn't realize how long it's been since I posted. I did sort of go into a bit of a depression over everything, and even stopped updating my IRL blog for a bit.

But, today is a new day. We're dealing with all that's going on, I suppose. As best as anyone in this situation can be expected to deal, anyway.

There has been more "excitement" in our IF world since I last posted. P. saw the urologist and received confirmation that he has a varicocele. He doesn't necessarily recommend surgery, which is probably good considering P. passes out at the mere sight of a needle (OK, I'm exaggerating a bit here).

And then the urologist decided to draw P.'s hormone levels when I pointed out that nobody has looked at them. It seemed to be a last-ditch, make-the-wife-happy sort of thing. And though we don't have official results yet, the office did call P. and insisted that he come back in to talk to the doctor. They wouldn't tell him the results over the phone.

I've had enough experience with this sort of crap to know that means something is "off" in his levels. So right now I am holding out a smidgen of hope that there may be something the doctor can give us that will help even a little bit. I can't let go of the tiny shreds of hope that I find here and there. I just can't.

More soon.

Facebook Strikes Again

This morning I found out that we'll have a nephew in December. Thanks to my sister's sister-in-law who announced it in her FB status.

I wonder if my sister hasn't called me about this because of the solemn nature of the news that P. and I received this week?

I told my parents about it (our bad news) last night, over the phone. I cried for the first time since our RE appointment. And when it started, it came out for about 2 hours. I tried not to do it in front of P., but I failed.

Severe MFI

And there it is, we have the Dx that we were hoping not to have. :(

I'm still pretty numb, even though I had fully prepared myself for bad news. The counts were SO much lower than I was expecting, though; I was really thinking they would be borderline. P. had a hernia when he was born and had surgery within days of birth. Come to find out, this is probably the very thing that has caused his IF.

So what's next? Our RE basically said there is no point in trying anything other than IVF w/ICSI. He gave us a chance of less than 5% with IUI, and 65% with IVF and ICSI.

I just don't know for sure how I feel about IVF yet. More than anything, I just can't imagine how amplified the emotional roller coaster would be once we cross that line. When not only are you praying for a BFP, but you're spending thousands of dollars and investing hours into monitoring appointments and self injections.

Am I strong enough for all of this?

If we do it, I am leaning toward a split donation cycle -- where I would donate half my eggs during our IVF cycle. This would reduce the cost by half, but more importantly it would enable me to help someone else. And quite honestly, I'm pretty sure there is no way that I could handle more than one cycle of IVF. Not only would we be spending money that could be saved toward adoption (down the road), but I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle everything else involved.

Ugh. I really, really hate this. I also hate the fact that P. is calling himself "faulty" and feeling as though all of this is his fault. I know that everything happens for a reason and that God has a greater plan for us, but really? I can't help but think this is so unfair, though it happens to millions of other couples. :( I just wish we all could have it as easy as others!

RE Office FAIL

So I caved and called the RE's office from the airport on Friday, in an attempt to get the results of P.'s second SA. Any guesses as to what transpired?

After sitting on hold for a LONG time (well, maybe 5 minutes), the receptionist said in an annoyingly cheerful voice: "The doctor hasn't had a chance to review your results yet. But that's OK; they will be available when you come in for your appointment on the seventh."

Me: "Um...but...the tech told my husband to call back yesterday to get the results."

Receptionist: "Those results will be ready for your appointment. Have a great weekend!"

Argh. So I was all prepared to get some real numbers and do a little research, going to our appointment with a vague clue of what to expect. Instead, we're going in blind.

I guess the silver lining is that I won't spend my precious long weekend researching that crap. Instead, I'll probably spend it drunk as a skunk to keep myself from worrying about the upcoming appointment. RE Office FAIL!

Everything Sucks

I finished work for the evening just 30 minutes ago, and burst into tears when I realized it was already bed time. This came after crying in public while sitting by myself at a bar (awesome), and a gasping cry while talking to my husband on the phone (during which I burst into fresh tears multiple times).

This job has officially robbed me of my sanity, and IF has robbed me of my hope. When you combine the two, there's little left but an empty shell of what used to be a happy, optimistic girl.

I'm not quite sure what to do yet. All I know is that I cannot continue on the same path. This is all wrong. Something has to give.

Shoot. I just realized that the RE's office said I can call tomorrow for the results of the second SA. Our next consult is scheduled after the 4th of July. Besides the fact that I will probably not have time to call tomorrow, I'm not even sure if I want to know the results before we talk to the doctor. It might just stress me out more. I don't know. What would you do?

I Just Realized...

...that with my travel schedule for work this summer - and our big vacation for our 5th anniversary in August/September - that if the RE wants to start cycling us, we won't really be able to start until October. October?! Noooooo!!!

Let me tell you, I am NOT a patient person. Infertility is definitely NOT for impatient, Type A personalities like myself. :(

I don't know. When we go back for our 2nd consult and "game plan" appointment with the RE (likely right before or after 4th of July), I'll have to bring my planner so we can discuss my crazy schedule. Maybe he can start me on Clomid and P. and I can attempt TI (though it's kind of hard to get TI right when the two partners will be separated often!). But then again, even with Clomid I'd need to be around for monitoring, wouldn't I?

Argh. I am so frustrated with my travel schedule right now. And I am so worried that when we go back to the RE, he's going to tell us IVF is our only option anyway. I so need to stop stressing over things that I simply can't control (easier said than done!).

Anyway. In other news, I had a serious talk with my manager yesterday. I told her all the things that I see as "going awry" in our organization, why I am hating work, the fact that I had to go on anti-anxiety meds, and eventually told her I'd give this job until the end of July. That's when I will make an assessment as to whether I can stick it out, or if I need to find something else. She was really great about it and took responsibility for poor communication and other issues. She also made concessions to try to help me in the short term. And she assured me she would touch base with a local manager to see if they have a position that might work for me. We'll see if all this comes to fruition or not. This will be one of the litmus tests for my assessment at the end of July.

In the meantime, back to the stress of the daily grind. I get to go to southern VA on a business trip next week - lucky me! ::sarcasm:: I guess that's a problem with me living in beautiful, sunny Florida -- I never want to leave. :)

OH. And also? Today is CD2. :( Yesterday I woke up with the WORST.CRAMPS.EVER. Compete suckage, I tell you.