Another Punch to the Gut

I've been anxiously awaiting some correspondence via snail mail for the past couple weeks. I'll save that explanation for another time, but the general idea is important to understand. So yesterday afternoon, despite the fact we were having a torrential downpour, I literally ran out to the mail box after I heard the truck go by.

I get back into the house, thoroughly drenched. Yet I tear excitedly through the stack of mail, coming to the last piece in disappointment because what I've been waiting for has not arrived.

And what, pray tell, is this last piece of mail? Nothing other than a brochure from Blue Cross/Blue Shield (my health insurance provider) that asks - on the cover, in big bold letters - "Could a baby be in your future?" And then goes on to explain that as soon as I find out I am pregnant, I should call their advice line to get tips for maintaining a healthy pregnancy.

What.the.&%$#?? BC/BS - you guys know better than anyone that I am seeing an RE. Therefore, if you had an iota of common sense and/or sensitivity, you'd realize that sending this propaganda to someone who's experiencing IF might not be the best idea ever. Thanks for further inundating me with pregnant belly overload; as if I don't see cute baby bumps every time I leave the house, now you've made sure the images can penetrate my fortress of solitude. I have nowhere to hide and be alone with my empty ute.

::sobs::

One Interview Down + Crazy Temps

I think the interview yesterday went well! Honestly, I was so nervous about the technical requirements of the job description that the thought of canceling the interview seriously entered my mind about two hours before it was scheduled to take place. But I manned up, set my expectations very low, and went in with my chin up. As it turns out, I had nothing to worry about. The hiring manager was very pleased with my background, and he seemed to hint that I'd be called back for the second round of interviews. Part of me is actually a little excited about the prospect of all this, especially considering how the company found me. I mean, you always hear about things that are "meant to be." Could this be one of them? We shall see. I did send out a hand written thank you card today, per proper interviewing etiquette. :)

In other news... What.The.%$#&. is going on with my temperatures? Seriously? Now FF is all confused by the fluctuations and has decided that I might have O'd on CD13. Um, FF...I have never, in the history of mankind, O'd that early. Additionally, all I am getting are negative OPKs. And if I did O that early, I'd be screwed (no pun intended) in that we have not gotten busy due to someone not feeling well and/or being tired all the time. ::sigh:: I got P. to the gym twice over the past week, but I need to keep him going so he'll have more energy. I feel like the Energizer Bunny, who apparently married Eeyore. Sheesh.

OK, more soon. I'm just looking forward to the weekend at this point!

OMG - Houston, We Have an Interview!

So. Nervous.

I have my first in-person interview in years scheduled for Wednesday. It's for a position that I really don't think I qualify for when it comes to technical skills. But the weird thing is, I didn't apply for it. The company's VP for HR found me. Little, incompetent me, of all people.

Anyway, I've worked for my company for the past 9 years and haven't interviewed in at least 4. And those interviews 4 years ago were all accomplished over the phone. So I know I am going to be a complete and utter nervous wreck come Wednesday.

This job is really more of a management position than I would like, and it's an the same industry, which I'd honestly like to leave. But the location is perfect - actually very near our house. And it has the potential to be far more interesting than my current job, at least. And there most likely would not be an insane amount of travel involved.

So, we'll see. I'm not getting my hopes up or anything. But just the fact that I have finally been invited for an interview has immensely improved my self-confidence, and that's something I've been lacking for a long time.

in TTC news, my body is confusing me as usual. I had some fertile patches of CM very early in this cycle, but that seems to be gone now. I hate when my body tricks me into believing that maybe, just maybe I will O at a decent time for once. Argh.

Anyway, that's it for now. I've got prosecco chilling and I think I'm going to pop it open and go to town. A girl needs to forget her woes now and then. Happy Memorial Day, everyone!

Must Find New Job Immediately

No, I didn't get laid off. Things were really shaky on my project for the past 3 weeks, but word on the street is that we officially have "authority to proceed" with work at this point. Of course, when you seriously dislike your job, this isn't necessarily great news.

But the reason I have revamped my resume (yet again) and have been applying for positions like a crazy woman is because now that the project is starting, the ridiculous business travel schedule is coming out. And it appears that I would be out of town not only during O for this cycle, but also for next cycle.

Are you effing kidding me? Right after my HSG, when the RE told us to really try to get things done naturally post-tube flushing??

And not only that, but fast forward a few months (should we not be successful naturally) & imagine we have to begin cycling. How the &%$# am I supposed to go in constantly for monitoring appointments - never mind insemination or retrieval/transfer or whatever - when I can get sent places at the drop of a hat?

This just isn't going to work. I must find a new job. For our marriage, my sanity, and any shot we have at procreating. So let the search begin (or continue, as it were). Please, please, PLEASE come through for me, Lord!

In other news, my sister texted me and saw the babe during the u/s! I am waiting for her to call and tell me everything. She's been extremely sick for about the past week, but she's smart enough that she hasn't complained about it that much to me. :)

Make it Stop!

Oh.my.God. I woke up this morning feeling extremely sick to my stomach. At first, I thought it was just cramps & tried to go back to sleep. Once I got up, I realized I felt nauseated, yet strangely hungry at the same time. So I ate a few cookies (breakfast of champions?). And now I feel like the room is spinning.

Ugh. I'm not sure if this is some after-effect of yesterday's medical festival, or the ice cream in which I indulged. It's probably the latter, but I'll blame it on the former.

All Clear!

Wow, the HSG today ended up going much better than I expected, for the most part! The part that surprised me: the "pain" was really no more uncomfortable than a regular pap. ::sigh of relief::

The only complication, per se, was the fact that the doc was having a hard time inserting the catheter all the way! He tried one, started the dye, and it started pouring out on the table. So he switched to another catheter; same thing happened. As you can imagine, I was getting really nervous at this point. I could feel my legs shaking. Then when the doc asked, "Are you sure you've never had an abnormal pap?" - I almost passed out because I was certain that I had some major structural deformity.

But the third time was the charm. I watched on the screen as the dye slowly started filling my ute and then trickling out my tubes! My doc said he was sending "extra dye through" to help clear everything, and he mentioned how this helps boost fertility. So I guess we can hope that the vitamins will help P. & the HSG will help me! My cycles will still be wacky, of course, but we can always hope.

Speaking of vitamins, I saw my acupuncture doc this afternoon & he had me pick up some Wheat Germ Oil to add to P.'s regimen; apparently it packs a powerful combo of selenium and vitamin E.

After P. & I left the RE's office, we went out for lunch. We were hoping to hit up a German restaurant in the area, but it wasn't open for lunch today. :( But that's OK - we found a new Greek place and had yummy meals. And then we hit up Coldstone Creamery so I could pack on a couple extra pounds! I got the Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip and went overboard with a medium size cup, but boy was it fantastic! I totally didn't *need* it, but it was a comforting consolation prize for having to go through such a crazy procedure as that HSG. I wasn't going to back down on my demands for ice cream even though the procedure didn't really hurt. I'm not completely lacking in common sense! :P

Update: I started feeling some cramping about 5 hours after my HSG and popped another Rx Naproxen. It's sort of knocking out the cramping, but not totally. It's not horrible, just enough to be annoying. And I am sooooo sleepy, probably from getting so worked up over the whole thing today. So while I should be going to an exercise class in which I am enrolled, I think I'm going to stay home and relax tonight. That's something I don't do enough of anyway.

Proud of Myself: 3 Columns!

I am proud of myself for one thing, Internet: I converted the blizz-og to a 3 column format!! Woot! I couldn't have done it without this helpful link that JLT provided on her blog recently.

I was having problems applying a cute template until I downloaded the image, resized it, uploaded and reapplied...but I found that I actually like it better when the sizing is wrong. So if you think my birdies on the side look weird because they're cut off...yeah, the sizing is wrong, but it's a LOT easier to read my text without all the graphics in the way. And I still get a little glimpse of some cute little birds. That's how I like it, so that's how it's gonna stay for now. My blog, my rules. :)

Now I just need to find the time to convert my IRL blog & I will be very proud of my accomplishments for once!

%*#$ You, Jim & Pam!

Let me preface this by saying that I love The Office. It is the only show on television that I watch regularly, because I am just not that big of a TV watcher quite honestly. Sometimes I'll start watching a show, but then I get bored and end up on the Internet and realize that I didn't pay any attention to what was on TV. But that never happens with The Office; the Macbook stays firmly shut from 9:00 - 9:30 PM on Thursdays!

So during last night's episode, when the Corporate volleyball team insisted Pam go to the hospital to get her ankle checked out...I knew something was up. I'm just awesome like that. :P And then when the nurse asked her if there was any chance she could be pregnant, and Pam brushed it off...well, I knew what was coming, but it was like everything started happening in slow motion and I couldn't stop watching. It was like a train wreck, except the "wreck" part of it was simply the projection of what's going on in my life.

Yes, Internet, I know it's just a TV show. But still, watching Jim's excited reaction when Pam broke the good news... It was like someone had kicked me in the stomach. P., who was lying next to me, thought he was clever when he stated, "Oh, she's pregnant!" I gave him some rude and flippant response about how - duh! - I'd seen that coming from a mile away. And then I promptly rolled my back toward the TV and tried to go to sleep for about an hour and a half.

The fact that a TV show could get me that worked up? Pathetic! Ugh. I do not want to be that person. Maybe I do need a swift kick to the stomach. Or about 10 shots of Patron. Either way.

Confessions

#1: The tone of this blog is quite a bit different from my "IRL" blog (link in right-hand column). I've come to realize that I am much more negative in this blog due to the nature of the content. However, I hope to begin changing that & posting in a more authentic "voice." I promise to start working on that.

#2: I am terrified of the upcoming HSG. My period started full force on Tuesday night, so I called the RE's office yesterday morning, and they scheduled my HSG for Monday morning! EEK! My sister works in radiology & has sat in on these procedures, and she assures me I'll be fine. I have to admit that some of my fear was relieved when I found out that our RE will actually perform the procedure, so that's good. But still, I fear that I will pass out from pain right on the table. And then our RE will know exactly what a wimp I am, possibly deciding right then and there that I am NOT strong enough to handle anything beyond TI. :P OK, maybe not. I'm sure it will all be fine. Right???

#3: My sister's first ultrasound is next week. I have to admit a tiny pinch of hurt at the fact that our "schedules" are so aligned - as in, she sees the OB right around the same times I see the RE. BUT, I am very excited to hear how the u/s goes and how she feels when she hears the heartbeat, etc.! :)

**Edited to Add (ETA): I forgot to say that P. is absolutely fantastic! Without me even asking, he took Monday off to be with me for the HSG. And he said we'd get ice cream afterwards. ::sigh:: Sometimes I forget how truly lucky I am! And despite the difficulties of this whole IF thing, it seems to be bringing us even closer together. I need to keep this feeling close during the dark times!

First RE Appt.

Today P. and I went to our very first "couple" doctor's appointment and met our RE. We like him, so that's one big hurdle down! He was very personable and seemed to be thorough, though I was surprised that he didn't lecture us on decreasing caffeine intake or anything like that. (Though I have to admit I am secretly glad, as I was planning on cutting out the coffee cold turkey; now I've decided I will limit myself to one cup per day.)

The big disappointment for me was the fact that, despite my OB's office swearing they sent my records over, the doctor did not have my previous records. Which means we still don't have the exact #'s from P's SA. Maybe I will just call and get the actual #'s tomorrow for my own sanity. I was really hoping for some sort of analysis of those #'s. The RE wrote a script for a vitamin for P. to take, and he's to take 50 mg of zinc daily. The hope is that these two things will help boost his count and motility. So he takes these for a month and then he'll repeat his SA. This time he can do it at home and either of us can drop it off at the RE's office, which is a big relief also!

As for me, he did a quick internal after our consultation to obtain a sample of CM for analysis. Not sure if they're trying to determine if it's hostile or what. My period is about to start any time now, so of course I was spotting for the internal. Oh well. As soon as my period starts, I am to call and schedule the dreaded HSG! I'm nervous about having it done, but I know it will be helpful. He already wrote the script for a painkiller and antibiotic for me to take in conjunction with the procedure. The office is very well organized, so that gives me some peace of mind!

And that's about it for now. Once we have completed the next SA and my HSG, we'll go back in to see what the next steps are. Our RE's hope is P.'s SA will improve, he'll be able to regulate my cycles with drugs, and we'll be able to do this with timed intercourse. Of course, he did warn that if P's numbers are severely low, IVF might be our only option. I am just praying that is not the case...

So overall, I'd classify today as a success.

And my final note: FF is on so much crack, it's insane! It has changed my crosshairs back and forth at least 6 times over the past week. I'm still not convinced I ovulated at all. Whatever...

Trepidation

Confession: I am beyond nervous about the RE appointment on Tuesday. I am so afraid that he is going to tell us the SA #'s are so low that IVF is our only option. I know I am not being reasonable by allowing this line of thinking to take place, but yet here I am.

Perhaps I've freaked myself out by reading 3 books about IF in the past week? Yet somehow, I don't think that arming myself with information is a bad thing. What bothers me is the fact that I still have no clue what I think about IVF for us. I know we would be mostly OOP (out of pocket) for that & despite our good salaries, I'm just not sure about the financial and emotional strain of such a prospect.

I need to stop thinking about it and just get through the darn appointment!

I also plan on discussing stress/anxiety with the RE. Because between this IF BS and the hell that is my job, I seriously don't think I can continue making it through the days without medication. I am being 100% serious here. I eat clean, work out, do yoga and relaxation exercises, and still I am an emotional wreck. This is not good.

OK...T-minus 41 hours until we meet with the RE. I can make it...

Also - FF is on crack. I did not ovulate when it thinks I did. I also have no idea when AF will show up due to this fact.

Proof that We're on the Same Page

P. is a man of few words and does not generally show his emotions. So our TTTC issues have been...slightly difficult for me in that I feel as though I have to force him to talk about his feelings. There have been some days where I really wondered if he wanted this as badly as I do.

But when P. returned home from his overseas business trip yesterday, we had a short discussion about our upcoming RE appointment and he said, "Oh, I know this is going to happen." I asked how he knew. He said he brought something from overseas to ensure it. And he brought out of his bag a package of two pacifiers emblazoned with the logo for our favorite European soccer team.

This may not sound all that meaningful to others, but let me assure you that I almost broke down then and there. Actions speak louder than words, and this simple gesture makes it perfectly clear to me that P. wants this as much as I do.

I love this man more that I could ever express in a blog. :)

Ugh

I am just feeling so blah right now. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm in the midst of what's going to be either a very long cycle, or an annovulatory one. Plus, my skin went completely psycho about 3 days ago and I have zits absolutely everywhere. I normally break out right around O and again when PMSing (isn't life grand), but it's a real b*tch when O is delayed or doesn't come at all. It's like my body decides to kick me while I'm down. Lovely.

And because my life is full of craptastic news lately: my job is now in jeopardy. Sort of. I can't complain too much because my employer is really good about preventing layoffs, and management does everything possible to move people to new projects. So now my manager is working with another manager to try to get me on another project - at least temporarily. It's a project that I really had no desire to be a part of, but considering the fact that my salary is equal to P.'s...well, I simply can't afford to be picky at this point.

I hope it gets resolved soon because my current project only has funding for me through today. Then I have to use all my accrued vacation time next week. After that, I don't know where it leaves me. You can bet your bottom dollar I will be spending my extra time next week madly applying for other jobs...but given the fact that I've yet to even be called for an interview for any of the multitudes of jobs I've applied for over the past six months...yeah, not looking so good.

::sigh::

When it rains, it really pours.

Just had to vent a little. I don't discuss my job in my "real life" blog, so I felt this was as good a place to vent as any other!